The Captain Quote #16
Future Ted: [v.o.] Lily had just started a job as the art consultant for an eccentric billionaire, the Captain.
Lily: [answers phone] Ahoy. There's a hot new artist in Red Hook.
The Captain: He's molded world currency into a sculpture of a soulless plutocrat defecating on the poor. A scathing indictment of capitalism. I'll go as high as $200K as long as you think I can flip it for double in six months.
Lily: Aye, aye, Cap'n.
Quote from Ted
Ted: Well, you know what might cheer you up?
Ted: There's a new Woodworthy Manor on tonight.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Woodworthy Manor was a show about an upper class English estate at the beginning of the 20th century.
Man: [on TV, British accent] My word! You can't possibly mean...
Woman: [on TV, British accent] But I do! With the succession of Lady Eastbrooke to Viscountess of Marlyemead, our cousin Baldrick becomes... the Earl of Witherstead.
Ted: The Earl of Witherstead! I only posted that prediction 15 times on the forums!
Quote from Barney
Robin: Hey, with the wedding so close, maybe we should talk about where we're going to live.
Barney: Fine, enough. Stop begging. We'll live here. But you owe me.
Robin: Yeah, I don't know. There's just a lot of things I don't totally love about your apartment.
Barney: Like what?
Robin: Well, for example, why is your bed on what look like train tracks?
[flashback to Barney in bed with a woman:]
Woman: You were wonderful.
Barney: Well, you don't get to be a state-certified orgasmologist without learning how to please a woman.
Woman: You don't mind if I spend the night, do you?
Barney: Um, how else are we gonna get to know each other on a deeper level? Excuse me, I just have to log
tonight's orgasms with the licensing board.
[Barney gets out of bed and pulls a vase on the counter. The bed suddenly starts to recede into the wall. A new bed appears below it and raises into place.]
Barney: The Ho-be-gone Sleep System by Stinson, patent pending.
Robin: What is on the other side of the wall? Where do the hos go?
Barney: [scoffs] What am I, a contractor?
Quote from Romeward Bound
Lily: Okay, I'm gonna call The Captain, get this over with.
The Captain: [answers phone] Ahoy.
Lily: Hello, Captain?
The Captain: Lily, I hope you're not calling to harpoon our big move to Rome.
Lily: Thank you, but I can't ask my husband to abandon his career.
The Captain: Would you like me to try and convince him? I'm very persuasive.
Lily: I'm sorry, the ship has sailed.
The Captain: What's that mean?
Lily: Well, you know, "The ship has sailed"? That it's over and there's nothing you can do?
The Captain: What a peculiar expression. Well, thanks for all your hard work, Lily. I've never been good at good-byes, so... [hangs up]