Lily: I never got in touch because I was too embarrassed. I screwed everything up. I have no job, no place to live. I lost the love of my life. Look, I know I have no right to ask this but do you think Marshall would take me back?
Ted: In a heartbeat. If you called him up, yeah, he'd take you back with open arms.
Lily: Wow. So, maybe I should call him?
Ted: Maybe? No! This is... Ow! Hold on. Look. If you're gonna go back to him, I don't wanna hear the word "maybe". "Maybe" cannot be in your vocabulary. This break-up almost killed him. And he cannot go through it again. So, unless you're absolutely certain, stay the hell away from him.

Ted: Hey, let's check out the porch, huh? Come on. I'm gonna put a grill out here, every Sunday, right here. It's gonna be a total sausage fest.
Marshall: Sausage party?
Ted: Burgers. Right, I'll do... We'll do burgers.

Ted: Guess I'm going to this concert alone. I'll be that weird guy. I mean, that other weird guy.
Kevin: You know, there is one guy you didn't ask yet. Someone who happens to be the biggest Weird Al fan in the whole world.
Ted: Kevin!
Kevin: Ted!
Ted: Oh! Oh, you are gonna flip when you see our tickets. They're in the shape of an accordion. What?! [runs off]
Robin: So, uh, you like Weird Al?
Kevin: Not in the slightest.

Victoria: Well, I'm sort of supposed to get married today.
Ted: All your friends and family are waiting for you in some church right now?
Victoria: Well, not all. We had five last-minute no-shows. Well, six.
Mrs. Matsen: Mazel tov, Ted. I was starting to think this would never happen.
Ted: Oh, no, Mrs. Matsen.
Mrs. Matsen: I told you he wasn't gay.
Ted: Wait, what?