Ted: I'm starting to think a person gets a certain allotment of lighthouses per lifetime. And I've used all mine up.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that, kids, is the kind of stupid thing you say before you've met the person who hits the reset button on the world, who makes everything new again, who makes it seem ridiculous that you ever considered settling, because not two years later...
[flashforward:]
Ted: Look at that.
The Mother: It's like traveling back in time.
Ted: That is exactly what I said. Why couldn't it have been you here with me two years ago?
The Mother: That's probably for the best. When you vomit, I vomit. You know that.
Ted: Well, thanks for being here with me now.
The Mother: Thanks for bringing me. Wow. It is just bonkers beautiful here. I don't know how you could improve on a day like this.
Ted: Well, I'm gonna try. [gets down on one knee]
The Mother: Whoa.
Ted: Will you...
The Mother: Yes.
Ted: You didn't even let me...
The Mother: Yes.
Ted: Marry me?
The Mother: Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes... yes.

Ted: Oh. I think I'm gonna head home.
Barney: I understand.
Ted: What, you're not gonna try and stop me?
Barney: And how would I try and stop you?
Ted: I don't know, by telling me life is short, and if you ever come across a beautiful, exciting, crazy moment in it, you got to seize it while you can before that moment's gone?
Barney: Ted, this moment already is gone. The whole Minnesota Tidal Wave thing happened five years ago. It's just a memory. And the rest of this never happened. Right now, Marshall and Lily are upstairs, trying to get Marvin to go back to sleep. Robin and I are trying to decide on a caterer. And you've been sitting here all night, staring at a single ticket to Robots vs. Wrestlers because the rest of us couldn't come out. Look around, Ted. You're all alone.

[2030:]
Ted: And that, kids... is how I met your mother.
Daughter: That's it?
Ted: That's it.
Daughter: No. I don't buy it. That is not the reason you made us listen to this.
Ted: Oh, really? Then what's the reason?
Daughter: Let's look at the facts here. You made us sit down and listen to this story about how you met mom. Yet mom's hardly in the story. No. This is a story about how you're totally in love with Aunt Robin. And you're thinking about asking her out, and you want to know if we're okay with it.
Ted: I can't believe this. I kept this story short and to the point, and you guys still missed it. The point of the story is that...
Daughter: Is that you totally, totally, totally have the hots for Aunt Robin.
Ted: No, I don't.
Daughter: Yes, you do.
Ted: You're grounded.
Son: Wow, you are really into Aunt Robin.
Ted: You're grounded, too.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Back when we were dating, Robin and I had this running joke. We were the only two people in the world who found it funny.
Barney: No way! March does not have 31 days.
Marshall: Yes, it does! Everyone knows that. It's like general knowledge.
Ted & Robin: [salute] General knowledge.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And we did it all the time.

Lily: Isn't it sad? I mean in 2007, some countries actually still condone corporal punishment.
Ted & Robin: [salute] Corporal punishment.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Because once you start, it's surprisingly hard to stop.
Marshall: Oh, man, I got a kernel stuck in my teeth.
Ted & Robin: [salute] Colonel stuck-in-my-teeth.
Marshall: Please stop!
Barney: I hate you!
Lily: You're killing me!

Ted: Hey, Barney. I got a little poem for you. You want to hear it?
Barney: No, not really.
Ted: 'twas the night before, I had hours to kill. I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill.
Barney: With quill?
Ted: Barney, it's a poem. A busty, young lassie flashed me a grin. Her garb said "classy," but her eyes whispered "sin." She said, "You're a teacher?" I said, "Yes, indeed." "I must have you," she moaned, "I'm turned on by tweed." With haste we did scamper to my chamber anon. We fell to the couch, and, bro, it was on. I unlaced her bodice. Our passions grew deeper. And thus ends the tale of the sexless innkeeper.
Barney: No way. You made that up.
[A blonde woman comes out of Ted's bedroom]
Woman: Are you coming back bed, professor?

Future Ted: [v.o.] In the fall of 2009, a new couple had just moved in upstairs.We had not met but you could hear all the time. They were always... Well, kids, let's just say they were always "playing the bagpipes."
Robin: Okay, this is ridiculous. I can't believe those two are still bagpiping.
Ted: I know. It's been six hours. Must be that Tantric bagpiping that Sting is into.
Robin: She keeps yelling out for him to play the bagpipes harder, but it sounds like he's bagpiping her pretty hard. There's a glass of water in my bedroom that's vibrating like Jurassic Park.
Ted: You have neighbors! Shut the bagpipes up!

Robin: Why would he write a movie about that? Isn't he the bad guy in that story?
Lily: Yeah, and the good guy is a guy named Ted Mosby.
Ted: Funny, that was my memory of it, too. But, according to the movie...
[flashback to Ted and Royce watching The Wedding Bride:]
Secretary: [over intercom] Mr. Mosley, your fiancee is here.
Jed Mosley: Great. The old ball and chain. I can't wait to make her move out of her beautiful house in New Jersey and come live with me in an apartment above a bar. Send her in. Ah, Stella. To what do I owe the pleasure?
Stella: We're supposed to taste wedding cakes this afternoon, remember?
Jed Mosley: Ouch! No-can-do's-ville, babydoll. [puts feet on desk wearing red cowboy boots, falls out of chair] Whoa!

Ted: Okay, look, I've never told you guys this, but over the years, a few of my old high school buddies have asked me to give wedding toasts, and they haven't gone great. [v.o.] Somehow those weddings all fell smack-dab in the worst moments of my life.
[flashback to a wedding in 2008:]
Ted: Joel and Mora's love is a beautiful thing. I thought I had that... till my fiancee left me at the altar last week. I was asked not to talk about this, so I won't. [sobbing] I sit outside her house at night sometimes. She got a haircut.
[flashback to a wedding in 2009:]
Ted: After I lost my job last week, uh, I was asked not to give this toast... [The groom tries to take the mic] No, no, no! The happy couple needs to hear this. Things end. But from the ashes of your statistically probable divorce, hope can rise anew. That is why I'm starting my own architecture firm, Mosbius Designs.
[flashback to a wedding three months later:]
Ted: Mosbius Designs has failed. But Alex and Jessica's love reminds us that... [sobs] Oh, God!
Punchy: Classic Schmosby.

Marshall: So, how's living alone?
Ted: You know, it's interesting. When I first moved into my new apartment, I was nervous. For the first time in my adult life, I didn't have a roommate. But then it hit me, for the first time in my adult life, I didn't have a roommate! If I want to walk around naked, nobody cares. If I want to leave the laundry basket in the middle of the living room, nobody stops me. If I bring home soup from the deli and leave it in the fridge for two days, nobody eats it. And if I do something colossally stupid, nobody ever has to know. People make fun of the guy who stays home every night doing nothing. But the truth is... that guy's a genius. Because let's be honest, sitting around watching TV, drinking beer and eating ribs alone is what every red-blooded American would rather be doing at all times.
Marshall: Yeah, but wouldn't it be better to have someone to share the... I mean, don't you get lonely without... Yeah, that sounds pretty great.