Robin: I can't believe you're leaving New York. Wait, is this be- Is this because of me?
Ted: No, it's not because of you. Well, maybe at first it was, but... It's been a really long week. Some stuff has happened and... it's just made me feel like it's, it's time to move on. Yes, good things happened to me in New York, but bad things happened, too.
Robin: Like your top five worst relationships?
Ted: Okay, come on. Let me hear it.
Robin: Number five, Blah Blah. Number four, boats, boats, boats. Number three, Karen. Number two, uh, Zoey. She made both lists. Number one, by a landslide, Jeanette.
Ted: Jeanette, of course.
Robin: By the way, have you talked to Jeanette lately?
Ted: I haven't talked to her.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Liar.

Lily: And this is a picture of the restaurant where you and Barney had your first date. And now you're getting married. And this is the receipt from the meal you and Barney ate at that restaurant on your first date. And now you're getting married.
Robin: Can we look at this later?
Lily: Later? There is no later. Robin, this is a day you only get to do once. You need to appreciate the importance of it right now.
Robin: Oh, my God. How did I only just now realize this? Dude, this hotel has The Wedding Bride 2 on pay-per-view. Score. This is the best day of my life!

Robin: The saltine challenge? Now?
Lily: Heh. It's his wedding day. Guys do weird things on their wedding day.
Genevieve: Well, on my wedding day, Robin's father completely disappeared for about three hours. He just said, "I've gotta go and teach somebody some manners," and off he went. And then three hours later, he emerged from the woods with a dead elk slung across his shoulder. And I didn't even know that there were elk in Bermuda. But this Barney, he sounds like a fine young man.
Robin: Yes, he is.

Genevieve: Oh, darling. Oh, you're going to be fine. You know, for every marriage in the world like I had with your dad, you know, there's a marriage like those two in there. Marriage, it's... Oh, it's terrifying. It's like flying. You know, you're filled with this mortal dread. But if you find someone you feel safe with, it's like flying. But if you've got someone that you feel is really there for you, someone you can depend on, you're gonna be fine. Do you have someone like that?
Robin: I do.

[October 2016:]
Lily: I can't get out of this thing. I'm holding it. Wait, are you leaving?
Robin: Yeah, I got a big day tomorrow. I got to get some sleep.
Lily: No, you can't leave. This is a big moment. We're saying good-bye to the apartment. The whole gang has to be here.
Robin: The gang? Do you know who the gang is to me, Lily? Here's what the gang is: the gang is a married couple who I never see anymore, about to have their third kid. It's my ex-husband, hitting on slutty cops right in front of me. And it's the guy I probably should have ended up with with the beautiful mother of his child. I mean, who in their right mind would call that group of people "the gang"?
Lily: Oh.. Oh, oh, so... So what? This is all just over then? Our whole friendship is just over?
Robin: No. No, of course not. Look, we'll... We'll always be friends. It's just... never gonna be how it was. It can't be. And that doesn't have to be a sad thing. There- There's so much wonderful stuff happening in all of our lives right now. Look, more than enough to be grateful for. But the five of us hanging out at MacLaren's, being young and stupid... that's just not one of those things. That part's over. I got to go. Good night, Lily.
Lily: Good night.

Ted: Okay, what the hell just happened?
Robin: Oh, come on, it wasn't so bad, was it?
[flashback at earlier that night at MacLaren's:]
Robin: Hey, Simon.
Simon: Wow, look at you. You got old.
Robin: Yeah. You look great. You got hotter, like that's possible.
[present:]
Robin: Look, I know it didn't go as planned, but I can't help it. I mean... he's still got it.
[flashback:]
Simon: Whoa! Four bucks for a brew? What a rip. Good thing I'm packing. [removes a beer can from his pants]
[present:]
Robin: So he's not a snob. He's from a different part of Canada, you know? The maple leaf flag on the back of the pickup truck? He's Red Province. He's from the Deep North.

Robin: [on the phone] I think that I am more than qualified for the job. My weaknesses? Um, I would say caring too much, working too hard, and putting my career in front of my love life. Whoops, that last one was real. What?!

Lily: So I grew up in Park Slope.
Robin: Oh, I love Park Slope. When did you move to Manhattan?
Man: [interrupting] You're from Park Slope?
Robin: Uh, no she is. [points to Lily]
Man: [ignores Lily] So where're you from? Heaven?
Robin: Yeah, I'm a ghost! Died fifteen years ago, like that pickup line.

Robin: You are bad at this, dude.
Barney: Oh, whatever, Robin.
Robin: Like you've ever talked your way out of a ticket.
Marshall: What, are you kidding me? Robin's a pretty girl. Pretty girls don't get tickets. I bet she's been pulled over tons of times, never once gotten a ticket.
Robin: That is outrageous! And factual.
[flashback to Robin crying as a police officer approaches her car:]
Police Officer: License and re... Aw, honey. No, no, no, don't cry. It's okay. No ticket for you. Go a little slower next time, okay?
Robin: [wiping her tears away in the rear mirror] Thank you.

Security Guard: I'm sorry, ma'am. You either need to be a student or the date of a student.
Lily: Wow. "Ma'am?" Check and mate.
Barney: It's cool. Time to activate plan B. Scherbatsky, how comfortable are you with a crossbow? Scherbatsky?
Robin: [to two students playing video games] Hey, guys. Do you want to take two hot girls to prom?
Student: We don't have that kind of money.
Robin: For free.
Student: Oh, hell yeah!
Robin: Great. I'm Robin, this is my friend Lily.
Lily: Hi. Shall we?
Student: Sure. I knew it would happen. This is the dream.