Robin: Still, when you think about it, married for 60 years and they still wanna jump each other's bones. I mean, it's kind of sweet.
Barney: In 60 years, that'll be us, right?
Robin: Yeah. It will. So, what do you think? Hmm? On the count of three?
Barney: Mm. Okay.
Robin: Okay.
Both: One, two, three. Mandy Patinkin.

Lily: Okay, so prove to me you can make a female friend. What about her?
Robin: Ugh. The girl with the bangs? Any chick who does that to her hair is going through a big life transition I don't wanna hear about. Next time grow your bangs long enough to cover your mouth. Pass.
Lily: Okay, well, what about her?
Robin: Ugh. Comfortable shoes? Ha, ha. What, are you filibustering later? It's after 5, put on some heels. Pass.
Lily: Okay, well, what about...?
Robin: Ugh.
Lily: I haven't even pointed to anyone yet.

Robin: I don't know what to say.
Lily: Just be yourself. Say something nice.
Robin: Which one? I can't do both.

Robin: There, there. Sister. Who needs a lady hug?
Amanda: Ugh. What the hell are you doing?
Robin: Wait, did you just ugh my hug?
Amanda: I don't need a hug. I'm pissed off because the Rangers just lost to the Boston Bruins.
Both: I hate the Boston Bruins.

Robin: Okay, we really wanted him to marry us. His church has cute coming out the wazoo. But when we met with him...
[flashback:]
Reverend: No pets in my church. No casual attire in my church. No gum. No sports logos, particularly the Orlando Magic.
Barney: Reverend? More like never-end. Prayer five.
Reverend: No shouting. No cell phones. I'll warn you that I turn down most wedding requests. Particularly from boozy, promiscuous Manhattanites, who only want me to marry them because my church has "cute" coming out the wazoo.
Barney: People are like that?
Robin: That is the total opposite of us.

[title: Robin Takes the Cake]
Robin: Simon. Nice to see you. So, what brings you to New York?
Simon: I live here now.
Robin: What? Really?
Simon: Yeah.
Robin: That's great.
Woman: Can I get a fork?
Marshall: [v.o.] He'd always been a deadbeat and your classic hoser phony, but seeing Simon all cleaned up hit Robin like a Zamboni. And as she looked him up and down, young Robin felt a tingle. Had Simon blossomed finally? And if so, was he single?
Robin: So great.
Marshall: [v.o.] She purred, whilst batting her eyelashes like a flooze.
Simon: Yup, I'm engaged to Louise Marsh, and our pad's got a Jacuzz!
Marshall: [v.o.] The bakery spinned, the floor dropped out. The air was thick as syrup. Poor Robin swooned, she couldn't breathe, her eyes began to tear up. And as she tried to stammer some excuse to get away, Simon said:
Simon: Our wedding cake is pretty bitchin', eh?
Marshall: [v.o.] And so was born the worst idea poor Robin's ever had. And on Ted's door there came a rapping.
Robin: I did something bad.

[title: Robin Takes the Cake]
Marshall: [v.o.] As Robin told her tale, Ted knew she'd made a massive boo-boo. For stealing someone's wedding cake is terribly bad juju.
Ted: Robin, I'm beside myself to see what you've become! You must return this cake at once!
Robin: I can't!
Ted: Why not?
Robin: 'Cause... [takes bite] Yum.
Marshall: [v.o.] Ted gasped, for he had never seen a brazen act so vicious. Robin felt remorse, and yet...
Robin: Oh, God, this is delicious!
Marshall: [v.o.] So one piece led to two, then three, then five, then 17. She savaged that poor cake like some rapacious wolverine. Eating, gobbling, munching, so the frenzied night wore on. And by the time your mom arrived, the cake was halfway gone.
Lily: I came as soon as I got word. So how bad is the damage?
Ted: See for yourself the product of her cake-in-gullet crammage!
Robin: Half a cake? What have I done?! The world shall not forgive it! This day will live in infamy. I never shall outlive it! For I have become the girl that eats her feelings, don't mistake it. I think I need to get out of this chair before I break it.

Barney: Canada. What do we ask on the wedding invitation? "Will you be having the elk or the moose?"
Lily: Canada. What, are you gonna walk down the aisle wearing snowshoes?!
Marshall: Canada. What, is everyone gonna have access to universal healthcare so no one has to choose between going bankrupt and treating a life-threatening illness?
Ted: Canada? W- What's the band gonna play for your first dance? Crash Test Dummies? See, it's funny 'cause who gets a band?
Robin: Enough. It was just an idea.

Darren: By the way, I am so psyched for the wedding tomorrow, Robin. I'm truly honored that you and Barney asked me to be a part of it.
Robin: We're honored you're here... valued invitee. [telepathically] Help me. Who is this?
Lily: [telepathically] Maybe he's one of your long-Iost Canadian cousins?
Robin: Uh, do you happen to have all of your fingers and teeth?
Darren: Uh, yeah. Heh.
Robin: [telepathically] Not one of my cousins.

Robin: You know, I liked Stella. Even though she broke your heart, I'd still put her in your top five.
Ted: Which are...?
Robin: All right, number five, Stella. Number four, Zoey. Number three, uh, the Slutty Pumpkin. Number two, Marshall, that time you guys pretended to be a couple when Barney was trying to sell the apartment. And number one, Victoria.
Ted: Well, you've given this some thought.
Robin: Well, we all have. There's kind of a running e-mail chain about it. But the pastry chef was the best. No question.
Ted: I do miss her sticky buns.
Robin: Uh, euphemism?
Ted: Nope.