Barney: [answers phone] Go for Barney.
Marshall: Hey, man. It's Marshall. Check your e-mail. Sent you something.
Barney: What is it?
Marshall: Just a new website. Slapcountdown.com.
[Barney goes to the website. The countdown reads 55 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes, and 58 seconds]
Barney: What does this mean? Marshall? Ma...?
[Marshall hangs up. Marshall holds his hand to his face, then practices a slap)
Barney: No. [screams] No!

Marshall: That's three! Thanks, baby, you're the best. And as a special, added bonus, I've composed a song just for this occasion. Ted, lights!
[Marshall starts playing the piano]
Marshall: [singing] What is this feelin' that's put you in your place A hot, red burnin' on the side of your face you feel the blood rush to your cheek. Tears start to fill your eyes and your lips are tremblin' but you can't speak, you're tryin', Oh, you're tryin' not to cry! You just got slapped [Barney adds "Oh, oh"] Across the face, my friend [Barney adds "Oh, oh, oh"] You just got slapped. Yes, that really just happened. Everybody saw it and everybody laughed and clapped, it was awesome. Wait, you just got... slapped. Happy Slapsgiving, everybody.

Lily: Look, Stella, I understand that coming from New Jersey you don't picture yourself loving New York,
but trust me, Marshall didn't expect to, and now he wouldn't think of living anywhere else.
Marshall: I hate New York!
Lily: What?
Marshall: I'm sorry, but it's true. Okay, today I was walking around PriceCo. Have you ever been there? It's huge.
All the stores in New York are so cramped. Every time I turn, I knock something over. I'm like some huge monster that came out of the ocean to destroy bodegas.
Lily: But, Marshall, you love New York.
Marshall: Yeah, I do, except that I hate it. I'm too big for New York, okay? I'm always trying to fit into cramped little subway seats or duck under doorways that were built 150 years ago. Hey, guess what? People are bigger now. Build bigger doorways. What the hell is the matter with you?
Barney: Small city, big man, give it up.
Marshall: And it's so loud, all the time. Yes, it's the city that never sleeps. Well, guess what, I like to sleep. I've been tired for eight years. Tired and scared with black and blue marks on my elbows from trying to fit through
all these tiny, little elf doorways. New Jersey's great. It's got huge stores, and lawns and you never have to carry a cup again. Not for the rest of your life. I'm not afraid to say it... I love New Jersey. [off Lily's look] I'm just kidding.

Bud: If you want to impersonate a Canadian, just turn of the lights and get all scared!
Robin: What was that?
Marshall: Well, with Canada right across the border, we Minnesotans sometimes like to make jokes at your guys' expense and they're all sort of along the same theme.
Robin: That we're afraid of the dark?
Marshall: [laughs] Yeah. For example: Hey, everyone, how many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb? "What? Oh, no, the lightbulb's out?! I'm scared!"
Robin: That is insane. Why do you think the Canadians are afraid of the dark?
Marshall: Well, where does any prejudice come from, Robin? A stereotype starts, and all of a sudden it spreads like wildfire. Like Asians can't drive, Scotsmen are cheap, Brazilians always put on way too much postage.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Which brings us to Thursday.
[As Lily waits in the arrivals lounge, a man next to her starts playing "Auld Lang Syne" on the flute. Two other men join on horns. Soon even more band members appear. Marshall walks in with a sign for "Lilypad"]
Marshall: A muffin, a pastrami sandwich, and a bag of chips. And I know it's way past lunchtime, but I love you. More and more each day, I love you, Lily. Happy New Year.
Marshall: Um, wait, does this mean that I have to bring a marching band to the airport from now on?
Lily: Absolutely, it does.
Marshall: Crap.

[at MacLaren's where nobody but Barney is wearing black-tie:]
Marshall: It's not too many.
Barney: Thank you.
Marshall: No, don't get me wrong. You're disgusting, and the cops should probably clamp a boot on your genitals, but that number should be higher. After Barney told me about all this, I crunched the numbers and, Well, I had some charts made up. Barney here hits on roughly 20 girls a week.
Barney: Whoa, it's way more than 20. And B. Smooth don't do nothing roughly.
Marshall: Let's say 20. So, 20 girls a week means 1,040 girls a year. In Barney's 16 years of sexual activity, that means he's hit on 16,640 girls. Now, if he's bedded 199 of them, that is a success rate of... a little over one percent. That's a batting average of 12, eight times worse than the career batting average of... one-handed pitcher, that's right, pitcher... Jim Abbott.

Future Ted: [v.o.] It was true. Marshall had become addicted to creating songs and photo montages documenting various mundane events. So for months, all of Marshall's friends and professional colleagues were getting e-mails like this...
[Ted plays a series of video montages from Marshall featuring songs]
Marshall: [singing] Ordered Chinese food today Some moo shu pork sauce got away Flipped the cushion, Now everything's okay.
Marshall: [singing] Cat sitting for Lily's mom, Cat sitting for Lily's mom, It's gonna be fun, It's gonna bring us all closer together. [In one of the pictures, the cat is seen climbing out the window]
Marshall: [singing] Cat funeral, Cat funeral, It was an accident And not entirely my fault, Cat funeral, Meow, meow, meow, meow, Cat funeral, meow, meow, meow, meow. We'll miss you, Whiskers. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow...

Marshall: Relationships are like that. I mean, look, when you first met Don, you hated him. You thought, "This guy's a duck." But one of these days, you're gonna realize, "This is actually something that I love. He's a rabbit."
Ted: Whoa. I think you got it backwards there, buddy. The duck is the thing you love. The rabbit is the thing you hate.
Marshall: What?
Robin: Yeah, I gotta agree. Ducks up, rabbits down.
Lily: Definitely, ducks are better than rabbits.
Marshall: Are you guys... Ducks are... Ducks are... Rabbits are adorable. Ducks are, well... Have you ever been in a fight with a duck? I mean, ducks are jerks.
Future Ted: [v.o.] This led to one of the most intense arguments our group has ever had. [fast-forward]
Ted: Duck is delicious. Rabbit is all gamey!
Marshall: We're not talking about flavor, Ted!
Ted: Flavor counts! [fast-forward]
Marshall: Who carries around a duck's foot for good luck? Anyone? [fast-forward]
Robin: You wrap yourself in a comforter stuffed with rabbit hair. I'll wrap myself in one stuffed with duck feathers. Who's cozier? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. But who's cozier? [fast-forward]
Ted: Hold on! I have to get another book!
Ranjit: [speaking forcefully in a foreign language; fast forward]
Ted: Then why don't we take a rabbit, a duck, stick 'em in a cardboard box, and let them fight it out?
Marshall: Because it's illegal, Ted!
Ted: Only if we bet on it, Marshall! [fast-forward]
Marshall: Fine! I concede! You win.
Robin: Say it.
Ted: You have to say it.
Marshall: Ducks are good. Rabbits are bad.

Robin: See, Marshall, this is what I mean. You can't treat New York City like it's the small, friendly, crime-free, inbred, backwoods, Podunk, cow-tipping Minnesota hickville where you grew up.
Marshall: Crime-free? Crime-free? In 1994, the cashier from the feed store was held up at hoe-point.

Marshall: Lily, we have been looking forward to this magical, special night for two weeks now. And, sweetie, during that time, I have been, um... How do I put this delicately? Saving all my love for you.
Lily: I have read 11 books on conception. I have cut out alcohol, caffeine and sugar. I take my temperature every hour. But good for you for not playing with yourself.
Ted: I feel you, buddy.
Marshall: Ah, no. Ah. Don't even touch me, dude. It's been, like... It's been two weeks. I'm, like, a light breeze away from having a big problem. Seriously. [looks at Robin picking her teeth] Okay, I'm better now.