Ted: I can't believe this. She singles me out by name. Calls me a "fat cat." Me and my "fat-cat friends." We're not fat cats.
Barney: Exactly. I say, Marshall, my good man, how's my bow tie?
Marshall: Impeccable, old bean. To industry!
Barney: Ah, bully!
Future Ted: [v.o.] Okay, that night we weren't the skinniest of felines.

Future Ted: [v.o.] The next night, Marshall and Robin went to dinner, just the two of them. Now historically, they had three solid conversation topics: cold weather...
Robin: December chill. So great.
Marshall: Totally.
Future Ted: [v.o.] sports...
Marshall: Did you catch the game last night?
Robin: Yeah. Nail-biter.
Future Ted: [v.o.] and cold weather sports.
Marshall: You know what's fun? Is cold weather sports.
Robin: They are fun.
Future Ted: [v.o.] They blew through them all in the first 16 seconds.

[in MacLaren's:]
Future Ted: [v.o.] That same night, Barney and Lily were still fighting about, um... something. Or was it that other thing?
Lily: Barney.
Barney: Save it, Lily. I am still mad at you for... something, and for that other thing.
Lily: Look, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. But let's be honest. You've been super sensitive lately.
Barney: No, I haven't! God, how can you say that?!
Lily: Watch out!
[Lily pulls Barney out of the way of a passing motorcycle:]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Wait. They were on the street.
Lily: Watch out! Oh!
Barney: Wow. Thanks, Lily. You saved me. [signalling his ice cream] You saved us. Look, I know you didn't mean whatever it was you said that made me so mad.
Lily: I think I probably didn't.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And just like that, the fight was over. You know, kids, friendship is funny sometimes.
Lily: Wait. I still can't resist getting one last shot in.
Barney: [gasps]
Future Ted: Like I said, the fight was just getting started.

Lily: Seriously? I step away for five seconds, and you eat all my onion rings? No surprise there.
Barney: What's that supposed to mean? Are you calling me fat?
[Lily shrugs]
Barney: If there is one thing you never do, it is call a woman fat right to her face!
Future Ted: [v.o.] Wait. Barney's not a woman. That's right. Barney wasn't hurt by Lily, Lily was hurt by Barney.
[flashback to the gang in the apartment:]
Lily: Want to hang?
Barney: Nah.
Lily: [gasps]
[flashback to Lily and Barney in the street:]
Barney: Watch out!
Lily: Wow. Thanks, Barney. You saved me. [signals to ice cream] You saved us.
[present:]
Lily: If there's one thing you never do, it's call a woman fat right to her face!
Future Ted: [v.o.] Okay, now I'm on track. The rest of this story should make perfect sense.
Barney: Oh, Lily, I'm sorry. Hey, you want to see a magic trick?
[Barney makes a bottle of beer levitate above Lily's stomach]
Lily: You're a jerk.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Okay, that makes no sense. Kids, I'm officially admitting defeat. I will never remember this story. I'm sorry for wasting your time.

Future Ted: Kids, "Edward Forty Hands" is a game that involves taping two 40-ounce bottles of malt liquor to your hands. The object is to finish both bottle- Oh, my God, why am I telling you this? Let's move on.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, there was one part I left out.
[flashback to Ted and Victoria at the bus terminal:]
Victoria: Good-bye, Ted.
Ted: Okay, yes. What's the answer?
Victoria: There is a reason that it didn't work out between you and me, but it's not Germany. And I'm willing to bet it's the same reason none of your other relationships in the last six years have lasted either. It's Robin.
Ted: No.
Victoria: Yes. She is so much bigger in your world than you realize. And this thing that you're all doing, you and Barney and Robin, where the three of you hang out at the bar night in, night out, like you're all just buddies? That doesn't work. Trust me.
Ted: No, you've got it all wrong.
Victoria: I'm right about this. Good-bye, Ted.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And sure enough, she was right. It didn't work. We just didn't realize it yet.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Would the five of us always live within a few minutes of that booth? No, that's life, kids, but here's what I discovered. Our booth was wherever the five of us were together.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, someday you're gonna throw a party, and you might find yourself worrying if something's gonna go wrong. Well, don't. What you should worry about is everything going wrong. And what's really scary is how quickly that can happen. At Lily and Marshall's housewarming party for instance, it only took five minutes. Now, a lot happened in those five minutes. You know what? I'm gonna take this room by room. We'll start in the living room.

Ted: So, you completely rejected the guy who's been obsessing about you for 16 years, and he was okay with it? Whoa. Is creepy Daryl more emotionally adjusted than I am?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, sometimes in life you'll make a pit for someone in your mind. But ultimately the only person in that pit is yourself.
[elsewhere:]
Robin: I'm sorry. Just seeing you with Barney has brought up some old feelings, and I... I really don't like feelings. But that's not your fault or Barney's fault. It's just really hard seeing you with him.
Future Ted: Which means there's only one person who can let you out of the pit.

Ted: Oh, really? And are you guys saying this because you don't want me to be with Jeanette, or because you want me to stay single so you guys can keep your clubhouse? J'accuse!
Future Ted: [v.o.] I had a point, and they knew it. You see, in early 2013, I was the only single guy in the group. Which meant whenever Marshall or Barney bought something they weren't allowed to keep in their apartments...
[montage of Ted taking delivery of Marshall's arcade game, Barney's Stormtrooper, Marshall's cotton candy machine, Barney's scooter, Marshall's horse, Barney's kayak -which he magically carries in holding both the front and back]