Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, in April of 2013, your mother and I were very close and yet very far apart. I was living on West 82nd Street. She was up on West 115th. She was getting a degree in economics. I was teaching architecture. I was always at MacLaren's. She was always... not spending all her time in a bar. She was dating some finance guy named Louis. And I... I was alone.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, for a brief period when I was seven, my best friend was a balloon. It was the classic story: boy meets balloon, boy and balloon become friends, boy loses balloon when Mom sets out hot dogs in the backyard.
Young Ted: No!
Future Ted: Decades later, boy's new best friend finds out about the whole thing and never lets him live it down.
Ted: I hate you so much.
Future Ted: The whole thing taught me a lesson. If you love something, you can never let it go, not even for a second, or it's gone forever.
Young Ted: Well, at least I still got my hot dogs. No!
Future Ted: It was a lesson that took me nearly 30 years to unlearn

Arthur: Eriksen, it's, uh, 3:00 a.m. You know what, you might as well not even go home.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And so Marshall stayed right on at Goliath National Bank. Of course, it wouldn't last forever. But that's another story.
[As the camera pans out on Marshall in his office, we see it's another museum exhibit: "Corporate Marshall - Extinct"]

Future Ted: [v.o.] And so I made up my mind to settle for Cassie.
Ted: So, um, what kind of music do you like?
Cassie: Hmm... nothing.
Future Ted: Still, I felt optimistic. After all, Cassie was cute and single and heck, it's not like the universe was telling us we shouldn't be together.
[Cassie trips on a children's toy car and falls down the stairs]