Robin: Okay. Bye. [hangs up] I thought it was mine, so I answered it.
Ted: Was it...?
Robin: It was your girlfriend. You might want to call her back. [tosses Ted his phone; goes to the bedroom]
Future Ted: [v.o.] I called Victoria from the cab and we broke up. Yes... And there you have it, kids. The stupidest thing I've ever done. In one night, I managed to hurt two people I cared about. And none of it would've happened if I just listened to my mom. So I guess if there's a lesson to be learned here, it's this: when it's 2:00 a.m., just go to sleep.

Future Ted: [v.o.] But, kids, later that night, Katie did it, and she got pregnant... with quintuplets... and she lived out her days in a trailer park... where she died an alcoholic. So the moral here, kids, don't have sex until you're married. Maybe even, like, a year or two into marriage.
Son & Daughter: Dad!
Daughter: Come on, what really happened?

Lily: 28. Two more 'til the big one, three-oh.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Actually, my 30th birthday wasn't so bad. Well, except for the goat in my bathroom. Which is a great story. But I'll get to that later.

Future Ted: [v.o.] So, when the day arrived, we all climbed into a rented Escalade and set out. Now, every bachelor party is usually made up of the same stock characters. You've got the groom, the best man, the guy who speaks only in clichés...
Stuart: Dead man walking!
Future Ted: ...the guy who disappears at the beginning of the night and doesn't show up again until the end.
Brad: All right, who's up for a little blackjack before we check in.
Barney: No, no, no.
Marshall: None for me.
Ted: See you guys back at the room, then.
Future Ted: And, of course, well... Barney. Every bachelor party has a Barney.

Future Ted: [v..o.] So I got out of the cab, ready to say all of that stuff, ready to explode, but then... It all just went away. And that was it. In that moment, I wasn't angry anymore. I could see Stella was meant to be with Tony. Kids, you may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone's face. But there's a third option, you can just let it go. And only when you do that is it really gone, and you can move forward. And that, kids, was the perfect ending to a perfect love story. It just wasn't mine. Mine was still out there waiting for me.

Future Ted: [v.o.] What's a Woo Girl? Let me explain. A Woo Girl is a type of young woman, who, like the cuckoo bird or the whip-poor-will, gets her name from the signature sound she makes. Now, a woo can be elicited in many different ways. From a certain song coming on the jukebox, to half-priced shots, from a ride on a mechanical bull, to, well, pretty much anything.

Barney: You will not believe who we saw tonight.
Marshall: Dude, um...
Barney: We saw the third doppelganger!
Lily: [gasps]
Future Ted: [v.o.] I should explain. Over the years we had spotted two strangers who looked exactly like members of our group.
[flashback to the group walking down the street:]
Barney: Hey, hey, hey, hey! [points to a short-haired woman wearing a flannel shirt and a baseball mitt]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Lesbian Robin.
[flashback to the group, minus Robin, outside a theater where they see an advertisement on a bus for a Mexican television show, "Senor Justicia":]
Future Ted: [v.o.] And Mustache Marshall. By the following summer, we would find the remaining two doppelgangers. But I'll get to that.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, as you probably guessed, that wasn't the night I met your mother. Although I think I glimpsed her foot. But I did get a little bit closer to meeting the woman of my dreams. And your mom? Well, she got her yellow umbrella back.

Future Ted: [v.o.] So that was Saint Patrick's Day, 2008. I found out years later that your mom was at that party. I just didn't meet her. And it's a good thing I didn't, 'cause if I had met her, I don't think she would have liked me. Heck, I don't think I liked me. But that's okay. Tomorrow had arrived. You see, I didn't know it yet, but my luck was about to change.

Robin: Wow, that is one bad-ass blue French horn.
Ted: Yeah.
Robin: Mmm.
Ted: Sort of looks like a Smurf penis.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Son, a piece of advice. When you go on a first date you really don't wanna say "Smurf penis". Girls don't ordinarily like that. [Robin chortles] But that was no ordinary girl.