Rory: [answers phone] Hello?
Paris: How's this sound for a template? "I have done my best. I have lost. Mr. Nixon has won. The democratic process has worked its will, so now let's get on with the urgent task of uniting this country."
Rory: What is that?
Paris: Hubert Humphrey's concession speech. Now, other than the part about Nixon, parts of it really seem to apply here.
Rory: Paris-
Paris: Hey, I'm not going to steal it. I'll paraphrase and give him credit.
Rory: Paris.
Paris: Not that the person who actually wins will even know who Hubert Humphrey is but, hey, I bet they'll organize one boffo senior ditch day.

Paris: I mean, come on, Senator Boxer, as one of our foremost Democratic leaders, I ask you, do you really think it looks good to have the American Secretary of the Treasury traveling around with Bono? I mean, I know apparently he's a saint, he's going to save the world, yada, yada, yada, but my God! He never even takes the sunglasses off. We have an image to maintain, don't we? I mean, aren't we at least trying to pretend we're the superpower in this world? I mean, why not just send Carson Daly over to the Middle East next time Cheney goes, huh? Or hey, hook up Freddie Prinze Jr. with Colin Powell next time he meets with NATO. I mean, hell! Let's hear what Freddie has to say, right?
Senator Barbara Boxer: Oh, great, Doug. Paris, do you know Republican Congressman Doug Ose from California? You don't? Great. You two will have so much to talk about. Bye.
Congressman Doug Ose: Barbara...
Paris: Ose, right?
Congressman Doug Ose: Yes, that's right.
Paris: Let's take a walk.

Rory: Paris, if he just wanted to celebrate winning a debate, you guys could've had coffee afterward, but he asked you out on a date.
Paris: He did?
Rory: Yes.
Paris: Did I accept?
Rory: Yes.
Paris: I'm going on a date?
Rory: Yes, you are.
Paris: Oh man, I can't believe this! I finally get asked out on a date and I missed it? Was it a good ask-out?
Rory: It was a very good ask-out.
Paris: God, I wish I'd been there.
Rory: Well, you'll be there tonight.
Paris: Tonight? Tonight I have a date. Tonight I have a date with Jamie, a Princeton man. I can overlook that. Oh my God, I can't believe it... I have a date.

Paris: My Thanksgiving is turning into a Wes Craven movie.
Rory: How so?
Paris: I called shelters to volunteer to serve food. It's Thanksgiving, you'd think they have needs. Nope. Every stupid soup kitchen in town turned me down because they have enough volunteers.
Rory: Bummer.
Paris: I'm on a couple waiting lists, but it doesn't look good.
Rory: I've never heard of too many volunteers.
Paris: Who are all these jackasses who volunteered anyway? They can't all be students like me. They're not all putting it on a college application. I get something out of it and these other people don't get a thing. Talk about selfish.

Paris: How many times do I have to tell them? You can't put a two-inch ladle of gravy into a one-inch potato crater. You either need a smaller ladle or a bigger crater. Otherwise, you get this.
Rory: Gravy on your asparagus.
Paris: Yes.
Rory: Paris, the cafeteria workers serve hundreds of students a day. A little gravy spillage is natural.
Paris: I see. So I should just sit quietly and shovel in whatever slop they throw my way like some inmate in the chow line at Leavenworth doing twenty to life? I don't think so.

Paris: I've been going over it in my head. I mean, it seemed to go pretty well. The fire was nice and thank God he didn't try to put on any ridiculous make-out music, and then it just happened. I was actually fairly surprised at the timing of it because I wasn't wearing anything particularly alluring, and in the moments just before the act...
Rory: Oh, God.
Paris: We were actually discussing modern day Marxism in America, which is not what I would have deemed a "come and get it" sort of conversation, but nevertheless, he came and got it, and I have to figure out what that means to me on a psychological level. So, I thought maybe if you and I could have sort of a healthy debate about it, I could come to some sort of reasonable conclusion about how I should be feeling right about now. So, come on, talk. What do you think?
Rory: I...
Paris: Are you pro?
Rory: Well...
Paris: Con?
Rory: Well...
Paris: Undecided?

Rory: "Apply yourself. Get all the education you can, but then do something. Don't just stand there, make it happen. " Lee Iacocca. "Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one." Malcolm Forbes. "Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught." Oscar Wilde. These are only three of many countless views on the expansion of the human mind. I personally believe in all of them, and fortunately for me, so does Chilton. An institution not just because of age and standing, but because of ideas. Because it encourages ideas and it will accept nothing less than everything you have to give. This is the place where our lives start.
Paris: You know, it's funny, me standing here before you right now. I've thought about nothing else for four years but this school, this big important school with all of its history and tradition and really super teachers. And I dedicated myself to it completely, heart and soul, believing in its power, believing in its ability to get me where I needed to go. Harvard. I thought of nothing else. Many of you out there can attest to that fact. I was on my way and nothing could stop me. And here's the really funny thing, after four years of slaving away, I go home today and I found this. I'm not going to Harvard. I got the tiny envelope, the one that reads, "Sorry, Paris. We're not interested. Try again next year. Love, Harvard." And the thing that's really funny here is, who in the world deserves to go to Harvard more than me? Have you seen how hard I've worked over these past four years? I mean, can anyone here believe that I'm not going to Harvard? I can't. I'm not going to Harvard. I am not going to Harvard. I had sex, but I'm not going to Harvard.
Rory: Okay.
Paris: And I have to tell you that if you asked me which of those two events I thought would be the least likely to happen, it would not be the not going to Harvard.
Rory: Thank you and good night.
Paris: I'm being punished. I had sex, so now I don't get to go to Harvard.
Rory: Paris, come on.
Paris: She's never had sex. She'll probably go to Harvard. She's a shoe in. Pack your chastity belt, Gilmore, you're going to Harvard!
Rory: Come on!

Rory: Okay, you've got to stop doing this.
Paris: What happened? Harvard was my destiny. I was flipping through Harvard class schedules when you were still delighting to The Adventures of Gumby and Pokie.
Rory: I was more of a Pee Wee Herman kind of gal.
Paris: It's partly my parents' fault, they didn't brand me properly. I should've been at the 92nd Street Y or Brick Church.
Rory: Prep schools?
Paris: Pre-schools. It decides everything. But I'm not totally blameless. I found a spot in my interview that I'm sure doomed me.
Rory: You recorded your Harvard interview?
Paris: The plan was to archive everything, then donate it to the university upon my demise. Little did I expect that my demise would come this early.

Paris: Well, I didn't buy a new purse, I pierced my nose. And within an hour of having it done, my nose swelled up to four times its normal size, blocking all nasal passage, making it impossible to breathe. I went to the emergency room, where they pried the thing out of my nose and shot me up with antibiotics. I spent the night with an ice pack strapped to my face.
Rory: Oh, Paris.
Paris: It seems that I was allergic to the crap metal hoop that I paid $19.95 to have jammed into my nose.
Louise: Did you take a picture?
Paris: No, Louise, I did not take a picture. I was a little busy trying to get air to my brain cells, a burden you've not yet faced.

Paris: Ladies, thank you for seeing me. I know you're busy with work and have families to get home to, so I really appreciate your courtesy, and I'll make it brief. Having Grad Night on a yacht is the worst idea since Neville Chamberlain told the people of England, "Hey, don't worry about Hitler. He's a stand-up chap." Forget the inconvenience of being at sea with guests unable to leave if the party is dull or if the band, which will inevitably be composed of accountants with semi-mullets, decides to do a half-hour tribute to Kenny G. The seasickness factor alone, abetted by snuck-in flasks and badly cooked food, could lead to an epidemic, which may lead to lawsuits the school could ill afford. These points conclusively call for a change in venue to a hotel ballroom, a restaurant facility, several of which I've already called. Here are the results of my research. I've also included a list of maritime disasters from the past fifty years - capsizings, onboard fires, et cetera - and trust me, it'll put you off your lunch. Thank you for your time and cooperation.