Sookie: Bob has two seconds to get the hollandaise off the flame before I break his neck!
Lorelai: Sookie, listen, you hired Bob. You trained him in your image. He's great, and he's subbed for you before.
Sookie: But this is Thanksgiving, he has never done Thanksgiving.
Lorelai: He's ready, he'll sub for you seamlessly. Even Big Joe Newsanchor's have substitutes.
Sookie: And that's the thing. They still say, "And now the CBS Evening News with Dan Rather." You see? Dan is still associated with it even though he's off snorkeling or something, just like I'm gonna be associated with the dinner because Bob is substituting for Sookie.

Paris: My Thanksgiving is turning into a Wes Craven movie.
Rory: How so?
Paris: I called shelters to volunteer to serve food. It's Thanksgiving, you'd think they have needs. Nope. Every stupid soup kitchen in town turned me down because they have enough volunteers.
Rory: Bummer.
Paris: I'm on a couple waiting lists, but it doesn't look good.
Rory: I've never heard of too many volunteers.
Paris: Who are all these jackasses who volunteered anyway? They can't all be students like me. They're not all putting it on a college application. I get something out of it and these other people don't get a thing. Talk about selfish.

Lorelai: Oh, hey, Kirk. Doing your holiday shopping?
Kirk: Well, shopping, yes, and it is a holiday, but my shopping isn't holiday related, so technically no.

Lane: That is not Dave Rygalski.
Lorelai: Oh, intrigue.
Rory: Who is it?
Lane: I mean, not the one that I'm in a band with. That is Dave Rygalski, local Christian guitar player that my mom and I met very briefly and innocently at the dance marathon, and that I coincidentally ran across again when I found his ad seeking Christian guitar accompaniment gigs up on our church bulletin board.
Lorelai: Complicated.
Lane: I even put the fake ad up at church and pretended to find it with my mom next to me.
Rory: You're good.
Lorelai: So, are you guys dating?
Lane: We're laying the groundwork. If she gets to know him before we date and she approves of him, we won't have to hide anything.
Lorelai: Right, except how you met.
Rory: And who he really is.
Lane: But other than that, it's completely fib-free.

Kirk: A lady had a bunch of them at the grocery store and Kirk seemed to take an instant liking to me.
Lorelai: Kirk?
Kirk: Yes?
Lorelai: No, I mean, the cat's name is Kirk?
Kirk: Yep.
Lorelai: Weird coincidence or...
Kirk: I named him Kirk.
Lorelai: Isn't that confusing?
Kirk: Not when you think about it.
Lorelai: No, it's still confusing.
Kirk: I like the name, and whenever I call Kirk's name, I obviously won't be calling myself.
Lorelai: True.
Kirk: Although when my mom calls for Kirk, that may be confusing. Maybe I can get her to say CatKirk when she's calling Kirk, and HumanKirk when she's calling me.

Luke: Shouldn't we give thanks first?
Jess: Thanks for what?
Luke: Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.
Lorelai: Amen.

Lorelai: Now, Sookie, listen to me because you're torturing yourself here.
Sookie: Emily, hi.
Lorelai: Oh, that's nice. That's very high school. Stick with me here.
Sookie: Good to see you.
Lorelai: Yeah, that's funny. You know who's behind you? It's Joseph Stalin, my good friend. What are you doing back from the dead, Joe?
Emily: Lorelai.
Lorelai: Oh, Mom! Ah, geez, you scared me.
Emily: You heard Sookie greet me.
Lorelai: Oh, I thought it was a joke.
Emily: Like comparing me to Joseph Stalin?
Lorelai: I wasn't comparing you to Joseph Stalin.

Kirk: I've discovered Kirk likes my presence announced before I enter any room that he's in.
Lorelai: You have to announce yourself?
Kirk: Yeah, just a quick, "Is it okay if I come in?" from the adjacent room. Otherwise, he gets a little testy.
Lorelai: Hence the scratch.
Kirk: It's just a small laceration. Again, no biggie.
Lorelai: [gasps] Kirk, he got your neck!
Kirk: That was another mistake of mine. I put his food bowl down in front of him. He doesn't like that. Or she doesn't.
Lorelai: She? I thought Kirk was a boy.
Kirk: That was just a guess. He actually hasn't exposed his underside to me yet. Or hers.
Lorelai: Well, here's hoping your cat exposes itself to you soon.
Kirk: From your mouth to God's ears.

Rory: Maybe it won't be that bad.
Lorelai: Yeah, deep-frying's kind of in now.
Sookie: I don't care. You don't deep-fry turkey. Filet of fish, yes. A batch of fries, yes. A donut, yes. Not turkey.

Sookie: Rhiana, run it through the sieve again, I want it smooth as glass. Don't cut corners, people!
Lorelai: Is she melting down?
Michel: Like butter on a skillet.
Lorelai: Sookie... Just a sec, hon.
Sookie: How's your love life, Pete? A little frustrated, I bet. Wondering how I know that? 'cause you're taking it out on my egg whites. Gently, fold them gently. Cheryl, you're slicing not dicing, I can hear it in the chop. Adjust, my friend.
Lorelai: Sookie, whoa... Hey, let's talk.
Sookie: I'm extremely lacking in time here.
Lorelai: What's going on?
Sookie: Chaos? A travesty of cooking? It's a salmonella laboratory in here!