Daphne: Oh, Martin, look at you. Sitting in your chair all sour and grumpy.
Ronee: You must be drunk in this picture, Niles. You've got your arm around a floor lamp.
Niles: Oh, no, that's Maris in her Easter hat.

Niles: Oh, excuse me. [answers phone] Hello? Maris. Maris? What's wrong? Oh, pumpkin. It's all right. No, no, everything's going to be- Oh, dear. [puts phone away] Sorry, I have to go. Maris is despondent. They kicked her out of the cast of "Cats."
Daphne: Why?
Niles: She couldn't remember the words to "Memory."

Martin: What happened to that Louis the French guy birthday party?
Niles: Disaster there too! Maris reminded me that an entire branch of her family tree were slaughtered by the Huguenots.

Martin: Well, I feel bad about Yoshi, but are you sure it's a good idea spending the evening with Maris?
Niles: Well, she's terribly upset. Maris and Yoshi were very close. In fact, I remember he once made a topiary likeness of her and wept without shame when it developed root rot.

Donny: Well, why didn't you tell me that's where Maris's money came from?
Niles: It's never easy... Maris's money?
Donny: Yeah, I mean you told me that Maris's family money came from timber?
Niles: It did. It did come from timber.
Donny: Oh, that's what you really think.
Niles: Well, of course. It's true.
Donny: And that's what all of Maris's friends think, too? All those country club snobs who would kill for a good piece of dirt on someone?
Niles: Well, what are you talking about? If her family money didn't come from timber, where did it come from?
[Donny hands Niles a case file.]
Niles: Urinal cakes?

Niles: [on the phone] Maris, I'm afraid I'll be delayed a few hours. Frasier and I have taken it upon ourselves to tackle a home repair. Yes, I'm working with my hands. Yes, I've worked up a bit of a sweat. I suppose I could take my shirt off.
Frasier: Niles, what are you doing?
Niles: She seems to be getting aroused at my attempt at manual labor. [on phone] Maris, I'm holding some sort of wrench.
Frasier: [taking the phone] Give me that! [on phone] Hello, Maris? Maris, Niles is busy now. No, never mind what I'm wearing.

Daphne: Evening, Dr. Crane. Did you bring Eddie's pills?
Niles: Yes, and the vet gave very specific instructions. "Take one tablet per hour or as needed until trembling subsides." I'm sorry, these are for Maris.

Daphne: Oh, that'll be Dr. Crane. He said he was going to bring his dog over.
Martin: Oh, not that four-legged Maris.
Frasier: Dad, please. Don't call it that in front of him. He has no idea.
Martin: How could he not? It acts like Maris. It barks like Maris. Aside from the fact that it eats now and then, they're dead ringers.

Niles: Dad, please.
Martin: No! I don't believe in civilians having guns.
Niles: This isn't fair. Maris's mother gave her a gun.
Martin: Well, then Maris's mother can clean the mess up after she accidentally blows your brains out.
Niles: Dad, now you're talking nonsense. Maris's mother has never cleaned anything in her life.

Niles: What were you going to say?
Frasier: No, no. I'd rather not.
Niles: Well, there's no need to, I think I know what you were getting at. You've been wanting to ask me this for years. Did I marry Maris for the money? [Niles looks at Frasier. Frasier nods] I resent that! I did not marry Maris for the money. It was just a delightful bonus.
Frasier: So, you really do love her?
Niles: Of course I love her. But it's a different kind of love.
Frasier: You mean it's not human?
Niles: No. No, I mean it doesn't burn with the passion and intensity of a Tristan and Isolde. It's more comfortable, more familiar. Maris and I are old friends. We can spend an afternoon together - me at my jigsaw puzzle, she at her auto-harp - not a word spoken between us and be perfectly content.
Frasier: I'm told it was a lot like that near the end in the Hitler household.