Frasier: Well, that was something.
Niles: Please, you call that a tantrum? Maris used to do that once a week. The poor thing needed help slamming the door.

Niles: [answering his phone] Niles Crane. Maris! Where are you? Still at the beauty parlor? What? No, calm down. Calm down. Stop crying. It can't be as bad as all that. Exactly how much hair do you have left? Oh. Well, don't panic, we just have to find another character for you to be tonight. Uh, there's an Ionesco play called "The Bald Soprano!" [chuckles] No I'm joking, Maris. What? You've got to come. Maris, for God's sake, you have thirty-seven wigs, just go down to the wig vault and pick one. Maris, this evening means a great deal to me. I need you here with me. Do you care about my feelings at all? [call disconnects] Well, that answers that.

Frasier: By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night.
Niles: She's on your bed.
Frasier: My bed?
Niles: Yes. She's asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.

Niles: I need something to take my mind off the fact that at this very moment, Maris is slipping out of her frilly under-things and into a non-fat milk bath.

Martin: Hey, where did Maris go?
Father Mike: Well, I believe Mrs. Crane is over there.
Niles: Where? Oh, bless her busy little heart, she's cornered Lydia Beaumont, head of the museum board. Maris has been angling to get on that board for years.
Martin: It looks like Lydia's getting away.
Niles: Oh, yes, the old freshen-the-drink ploy. Poor Lydia has no idea with whom she's dealing. That's right, Maris, chug that sherry. On with the chase! Yes, there she goes, she's gaining, she's gaining, she's coming round the ice sculpture. It's Mrs. Beaumont and Maris, Mrs. Beaumont and Maris, and... Yes! They meet again!
[The table starts applauding]
Niles: I fully expect they'll be board mates before they clear away the desserts.

Roz: Would you knock it off. What is so amazing?
Niles: All right, come here, come here.
Niles: Right, you see that rotund woman coming out of "Chock Full Of Donuts"?
Frasier: Uh-huh.
Roz: Yeah.
Niles: Watch. Before she gets in her car she will finish that bear claw and then go back in. This is her third time.
Frasier: That's what you brought us over here for? To gawk at some poor woman's struggle with junk food?
Roz: Big deal. So she's overweight, you don't need to point it out.
Roz: It's rude.
Frasier: It's childish.
Niles: It's Maris!