Niles: I gave Maris her birthday saddle. She was so thrilled she treated me to a little Lady Godiva impression.
Frasier: Oh, my.
Niles: Apparently, the oils in the saddle reacted badly with her cellulite cream and created a powerful epoxy.
Frasier: Oh, dear.
Niles: Yes, it took an hour and a full bottle of nail polish remover to get her free. Today, her poor little thighs were so sore the only way she could find comfort was to straddle a frozen butterball turkey.

Frasier: Niles, tonight let's go to Orsini's for one glorious farewell dinner.
Niles: Why not? I'll make the reservations. We'll take Dad and Daphne.
Frasier: Great. Will Maris be joining us?
Niles: Oh, sadly no. She had a bad experience there one Christmas Eve. An Italian soccer team was at the next table. Maris announced she was in the mood for a goose and, perhaps inevitably, tragedy ensued.

Frasier: Uh, excuse me? She's been missing for three days and you're just panic-stricken now?
Niles: I only just realized. The last two nights, I- I knocked on Maris's bedroom door to wish her goodnight and I was greeted with a chilly silence, so naturally I assumed everything was status quo.

Martin: Besides, the note said it's someone you've been with.
Niles: Hmm. There have been so few women since Maris. There were so few women before Maris. Hence, there was Maris.

Niles: No, it was my antiques scout. The present I ordered for Maris's birthday has finally arrived. I got her the most exquisite antique saddle.
Frasier: Oh. How does it look on you?
Niles: You won't laugh when you see it. It is bejeweled but not overdone, much like my Maris. The craftsmanship is breathtaking. It's been so expertly restored you can barely see the stitching.
Frasier: Again, like Maris.

Niles: I'm having lunch with Maris.
Martin: With Maris?
Niles: Yeah. We scheduled this weeks ago. She still has some of my first editions. I thought she might be more amenable to returning them if I took her to her favorite bistro.
Frasier: Well then, the worst you're out is a cup of clear broth.
Niles: No, this is lunch. She takes her large meal in the evening.

Roz: Is it true that she fired one of the gardeners because she found a worm on the front walk?
Niles: Well, to be fair, Maris has always been frightened and disgusted by them.
Roz: It's just a stupid worm.
Niles: No, I'm talking about gardeners.

Martin: Yeah, and the interesting thing happened when we were leaving. We ran into Maris's lawyer on the way out.
Niles: And he told us the whole story. Apparently, Maris and Esteban had a fight, and Maris kicked him out. She was trying to calm herself by practicing her tableau vivant pose with the, with the crossbow. Which, she needs all the practice she can get. She has terribly weak triceps. Well, all of a sudden Esteban burst back in through the balcony window. Maris was-was startled to death and pulled the trigger in self-defense. He was dead before he hit the parquet.

Niles: I remember my wedding day. Standing at the altar, feeling faint, shaky, sweating. I remember Maris was so distraught thinking I might have cold feet. I'll never forget how relieved she was to learn that it was just a congenital heart murmur that would plague me for the rest of my life.

Frasier: So, where's Maris?
Niles: Well, we were just getting ready to leave the house, when Maris got a glimpse of herself in the hall mirror-
Frasier: Niles, at the end of this story, will I roll my eyes?
Niles: I did.
Frasier: Well then, just skip it.