Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Episode Two’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Derry Girls: Episode Two

102. Episode Two

Aired January 11, 2018

Erin and friends look for ways to earn some money for a school trip to Paris. Meanwhle, Uncle Colm recounts the story of how two gunmen forced their way into his house.

Quote from Uncle Colm

Colm: There was a knock at the door. This must have been, ah, we're talking eight, half eight, for I was halfway through my dinner. And up I got to open it, and there they both were, large as life. And the taller fella, though, to be fair, there was no more than an inch in it...
Mary: Jesus wept.
Colm: The slightly taller fella, he says to me, says he, "Do you know who we are?"
Joe: How is a body supposed to enjoy his dinner?
Colm: And I says to him, says I, "Well, I can't be sure now. But maybe if you took off the balaclavas..." And then he says to me, the slightly taller fella does, he says, "Step aside, we are armed."
Orla: Class.
Colm: And that is when the smaller fella, although, as I say, we are talking an inch...
Erin: Mammy, make it stop.
Colm: ...an inch and a half at most.
Sarah: I need a drink.
Colm: He has the bright idea of tying me to the radiator, you see. And I remember saying to myself, says I, "Colm, it's a good job you have the Economy 7 on the aul timer, or you'd be roasted here."

Rate

Quote from James

James: I don't really want anything.
Erin: You don't want anything?
Michelle: How could you not want anything? It's lovely.
James: I just don't really fancy it, that's all.
Orla: I don't understand.
Clare: Are you not feeling well, James?
James: I don't like it! OK? It's too greasy, it's much, much too greasy! Even the smell of it makes me feel physically sick!
Michelle: I'm sorry you had to hear that, Fionnula. [to James] You are a fucking embarrassment.
Fionnula: Get him out of here!
Michelle: You heard the woman.

Quote from Uncle Colm

Sarah: Did you go for the Economy 7 in the end, Colm? I thought you said the hot water settings were a minefield?
Gerry: For the love of God, Sarah, no diversions.
Mary: Aye, come on, let's pick it up. They tied you to the heater.
Colm: They did indeed. And there I am, shackled to the thermostatic valve with my new shoelaces, when one of them, the smaller fella, or, hang on, maybe it was the...
Gerry: It doesn't matter, Colm.
Colm: Well, it was one of the two. He is looking for the keys to the van. All ranting and raving and getting himself all worked up, threatening to set fire to my good chaise-longue and all sorts. By Jesus, they were absolutely desperate to borrow thon van.
Mary: Colm, they didn't borrow your van. They stole your van. Used it to move arms across the border. And then they blew it up.
Colm: Aye. Nightmare altogether.

Quote from Granda Joe

Joe: I'll have a chicken fillet burger. No lettuce, no tomato, no cheese...
Gerry: I'll just write plain, will I?
Joe: No onions, no cucumber.
Gerry: One plain...
Joe: No relish, no pickles, no mayonnaise.
Gerry: No chicken.
Joe: What do you mean, no chicken?! [phone rings]
Mary: Get that!
Joe: It's a chicken burger! Of course I want chicken! What are you? A simpleton? "No chicken."

Quote from Michelle

Michelle: Boo!
Clare: Where did you get all this?
Michelle: Fionnula's cupboard. I think she might have a bit of a problem.
Erin: You think Fionnula might have a bit of a problem? Put it away and get back downstairs now.
Michelle: Sit yourselves down and have a wee drink.
Clare: No, Michelle, it's wrong.
Michelle: So are those ski pants, Clare, but that didn't stop you pulling them over your hole this morning. Wait for it. [lights shots]
Clare: Michelle!
Michelle: Don't be such a shower of bore bags. Slainte, motherfuckers!

Quote from Sister Michael

Sister Michael: Before I dismiss you for the weekend, a few announcements. On Monday morning, several of our Year 13s will face their GCSE maths resit. Now, I know how daunting resit examinations can be, so if anyone is feeling anxious or worried, or even if you just want to chat, please, please, do not come crying to me. Let me see, what else?
Michelle: [to herself] Come on, come on, come on to fuck!
Sister Michael: Notice from Mr. McCauley. This year's destination for the Euro Trotters trip will be dramatic pause... Did you actually want me to do the dramatic pause? [Mr. McCauley nods] Interesting. Paris, it's going to be Paris. If you need any further information, there is a stall in the foyer. Sadly, I am unable to come on this one as I despise the French. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Quote from Michelle

Michelle: Fuck, we are not like Jenny Joyce. Nobody is just going to hand us things. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't have things. Come on, Clare. I know how much you have dreamed of seeing the Arc de... Whatever the fuck it's called. James, I know how much you want to practise the shit out of the past participle. Orla, you really really buzz off those Renault Clio ads. And you, Erin, well, you are just riding Charlene Kavanagh.
Erin: I'm not riding her. I just think it might be time I moved on friendship wise.
Clare: You are aware you are talking to your current friends.
Michelle: We can't give up on Paris. Let's do this, girls. Let's make it happen.
Erin: God, I have never seen you so fired up.
Michelle: I will buck a French lad, Erin. I will buck a French lad, so help me God!

Quote from Erin

Erin: Are you throwing alcohol on it? Are you actually throwing alcohol on it? And what in utter God are you doing? Seasoning it?!

Quote from Michelle

Clare: There's so much I want to do, the Champs-Elysees, the Arc de Triomphe, The Louvre...
Michelle: A French fella. That's what I want to do. Nation of rides. My fanny is going funny just thinking about it.
Erin: Could you not use that word, Michelle?
Michelle: What, fanny?
Clare: Why do you always have to be so coarse?
Michelle: What is the big deal? We all have one.
James: I don't.
Michelle: You are one.

Quote from Aunt Sarah

Mary: [on the phone] How is it going, Colm?
Sarah: [to Gerry] Would you ever think of going cordless?
Mary: Aye, it was freezing cold earlier, that's true.
Sarah: Gemma Sharkey went cordless and she's like a new woman now, Gerry.
Mary: No, it's not as cold now.
Sarah: She can make a call from her living room, from her kitchen, from her bedroom...
Mary: Right, look, Colm, I don't have long. We're sending to the chippy here.
Sarah: And the other night, right, and this is no word of a lie, she rang me from the bath. These cordless phones are the future.

Quote from Michelle

James: It would be good conversation practice as well, you know, for the orals.
Michelle: Which will be the only oral that you get.
James: OK, Michelle.
Michelle: Will you let me finish?
James: Well, I sensed where you were going.
Michelle: Blow jobs.

Quote from Granda Joe

Gerry: OK, that is one portion of redfish, one portion of whitefish, two bags of chips...
Joe: No, no, no! Two bags won't be enough.
Gerry: Two is plenty, Joe.
Joe: Four! Four should cover it.
Gerry: Three, then, we'll compromise.
Joe: I'll compromise you through that window.
Mary: That's enough, Da.
Joe: The tight bastard is trying to starve us all, Mary.
Gerry: OK, four bags of chips, then.

Quote from Michelle

Michelle: Where the fuck are we going to get the money for Paris now?
Orla: We could sell our organs.
Clare: We could. We could sell our organs. Or, and forgive me if this is a bit left-field, but could we not, you know, get jobs?
Michelle: There are no jobs in Derry. That's all you ever hear anybody say.
Clare: So what are these?
Michelle: I never really looked at this before. I just assumed they were all dead cat posters.
Clare: Missing cat posters.
Michelle: If you're an optimist.

Quote from Sister Michael

Choir: [all sing] I feel it in my fingers I feel it in my toes Doo, doo, doo-doo, doo Love is all around me And so the feeling grows Doo, doo, doo-doo, doo It's written in the wind It's everywhere I go...
Michelle: Sweet Jesus.
Choir: So if you really love me Come on and let it show...
Sister Michael: Did I not ban this one?
Miss Mooney: Let me see. Endless Love, The Power Of Love, What You Need Is Love, How Deep Is Your Love? It Must Have Been Love, I Want To Know What Love Is, I Will Always Love You. No, Sister, you didn't.
Choir: Cos on my love You can depe-he-hend...
Sister Michael: Put it on the list. Wonderful, girls. Lovely stuff.

Quote from Orla

Orla: If we go to Paris, I'd like to meet Nicole.
James: Who is Nicole?
Erin: For God's sake. How many times? It's just an ad. She's not a real person. Neither is Papa.

Quote from Granda Joe

Erin: It's Uncle Colm.
Mary: Well, I'm not taking it. I've been stung once already this week. Around 45 minutes talking about his new shoelaces.
Sarah: Sure, I've stopped answering my phone altogether for fear it's him, Mary.
Mary: Will you take it, Da?
Joe: No chance, love. I mean, I know I shouldn't say this about my own brother, but, by Christ, he's a boring bastard.

Quote from Aunt Sarah

Sarah: Ach, well, I'm delighted for you, Colm.
Gerry: What?!
Sarah: Well, I just mean that, well, before, he had nothing really going for him, but now, well, now he is somebody. Now he is the fella that got tied to his own radiator.
Colm: Thanks, Sarah.
Sarah: We should ring UTV. Get them to do an interview. When Shauna Sharkey was interviewed, do you mind the time when her brother got hijacked? Well, Fionnula gave her free chips for a month.
Mary: You're joking?
Sarah: Honest to God.

Quote from Ma Mary

Sarah: Ach, Fionnula, what about you? I thought I could smell vinegar. I am just on my way to meet our Colm here. I'm a nervous wreck. We are doing this interview, you see, for UTV. I'm going to be on UTV, Fionnula.
Mary: Save your breath, Sarah. There'll be no free chips. There will be no chips full stop.
Sarah: Excuse me?
Mary: What do you expect me to do on a Friday, Fionnula? Cook? You expect me to cook?
Fionnula: You could order a pizza.
Orla: Pizza's not as nice.
Mary: No, you are right, Orla. Pizza is not as nice. Maybe you should all have thought about that. Is there nothing we can do?

Quote from Ma Mary

Mary: Dip into your trust fund? Of course, no bother at all. Pass us in the phone, I just need to ring the bank. 7654321, that's the account number. The password, what is it again? What was it now? Oh, aye, catch yourself on.

Quote from Ma Mary

Erin: This is the truth, Mammy.
Mary: Erin, if you expect me to believe that Michelle tripped while carrying a scented candle, you must think I came up the Foyle in a bubble.

Next Page 

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode