Sarah: Did you go for the Economy 7 in the end, Colm? I thought you said the hot water settings were a minefield?
Gerry: For the love of God, Sarah, no diversions.
Mary: Aye, come on, let's pick it up. They tied you to the heater.
Colm: They did indeed. And there I am, shackled to the thermostatic valve with my new shoelaces, when one of them, the smaller fella, or, hang on, maybe it was the...
Gerry: It doesn't matter, Colm.
Colm: Well, it was one of the two. He is looking for the keys to the van. All ranting and raving and getting himself all worked up, threatening to set fire to my good chaise-longue and all sorts. By Jesus, they were absolutely desperate to borrow thon van.
Mary: Colm, they didn't borrow your van. They stole your van. Used it to move arms across the border. And then they blew it up.
Colm: Aye. Nightmare altogether.

Colm: And Kennedy, of course, the poor critter.
Gerry: How?
Colm: Lovely fella. Hands on him like shovels.
Gerry: How the feck are we back in the same fecking place!
Joe: What's going on?
Gerry: I've driven 178 miles and I'm back where I was five fecking hours ago, Joe, that's what's going on!
Joe: You stupid bloody eejit.
Colm: Thon Reagan character, he was another.
Gerry: Stop listing presidents, Colm!
Joe: He'll list presidents if he wants to list presidents!

Colm: She made the whole thing up! As mad as a bag of cats, she was.
Police Officer: Sir.
Colm: And she had been clattering the wean in thon fake tan stuff, to make him more Spanish-y looking, you know?
Police Officer: There's a van matching the descriptions on CCTV.
Colm: Which how suspicions were raised, you see, because there was a powerful whiff off the wee critter.
Chief Inspector Byers: That'll do. Thank you very much for your time. You've been a huge help. We'll take it from here.
Erin: We can go?
Chief Inspector Byers: Yes, please. Do, go, right now. And for the love of suffering Jesus, take him with ye.
Erin: Thank you, you're a legend, Colm, a legend!
Clare: Thank you, Colm!
Colm: Any time, wains! Any time at all!

Gerry: Colm, I've been thinking about this business with Eammon's roof.
Colm: Desperate altogether. Ach, sure there's nothing worse. I remember one...
Gerry: OK! We're going to play a game. [picks up bread stick] You can only speak if you're holding this.
Colm: Fair enough, Gerry.
Gerry: Must get a bit lonely for you, rattling round that big house on your own.
Colm: I live in a two-bedroom terrace, Gerry. Oh, sorry. I live in a two-bedroom...
Gerry: Two bedrooms is still one bedroom too many. But what if Eammon came and stayed with you for a bit?
Colm: I don't know, Gerry.
Gerry: Why not? Sure, you'd be company for each other.
Colm: The thing is... Now, how do I put this? I'm trying to find the right word.
Gerry: What?
Colm: You don't have the breadstick, Gerry.
Gerry: Feck the breadstick. What is it?
Colm: Well, I find Eammon a bit... boring, to be honest.
Gerry: I see. [snaps breadstick and crushes it]