301. The Night Before
Aired April 12, 2022
Erin and friends decide to break into the school to get a look at their GSCE results the night before they're released after Sister Michael implies they have not done well. Meanwhile, Granda Joe refuses to admit his new cat, Seamus, is a menace to the local pet population.
Quote from Michelle
Michelle: Jesus, this looks class. This Scottish drag queen takes on the entire English army.
James: William Wallace wasn't a drag queen, Michelle.
Michelle: He's wearing a skirt, and has a full face of foundation on him, James.
Quote from Clare
Erin: "Try to enjoy what time we have left." It doesn't even make any sense.
Clare: It means we've failed, Erin. It means no GCSEs, ergo no A-levels, ergo no university, ergo the end!
Michelle: "Ergo" wise up, Clare.
Erin: You're over-reacting.
Clare: I knew I should have cut ties with you lot a long time ago.
Erin: It's not our fault!
Clare: Of course it's your fault! You've dragged me down to your level, your stupidity has finally rubbed off on me. I was a scholar when I met you, Erin, a scholar!
Erin: You were three!
Quote from James
James: Do you know the bit about how we don't have to say anything at this time, and anything we do say may be given in evidence? You know, our right to remain silent? You haven't told me about my right to remain silent! What about my right to remain silent?!
Michelle: Shut the fuck up, James!
Quote from Uncle Colm
Uncle Colm: So, I says to myself, says I, Colm, who'd be ringing you at this hour? And sure, if I hadn't been in the middle of a Maeve Binchy, I'd have probably slept through the thing altogether.
Chief Inspector Byers: What was it we asked him?
Police Officer: I can't remember, sir.
Chief Inspector Byers: Jesus.
Uncle Colm: ...I'm like a dead one.
Quote from Uncle Colm
Erin: We also gave you a name.
Chief Inspector Byers: Nobody in Londonderry is called Hans, girls.
Uncle Colm: Well, you say that, now, but there's a young lad up in Pennyburn called Diego.
Chief Inspector Byers: Is this relevant?
Uncle Colm: The mother, she's a Derry woman, but the father, he was Spanish. Though not on the scene, by all accounts.
Chief Inspector Byers: Thank you, if we could just... [knock on door] Alex, don't leave me.
Police Officer: It's every man for himself, sir.
Uncle Colm: According to the mother, he - Diego's father, this is - well, he came over with the Spanish Armada, then cleared off, leaving her to raise the wean on her own, but that story didn't totally add up, was the thing.
Chief Inspector Byers: I need you to stop talking now.
Uncle Colm: The problem being that the Spanish Armada landed here in 1588, and that the son, Diego, as she called him, well, he was born more than four centuries later.
Chief Inspector Byers: I will caution you.
Quote from Aunt Sarah
News Anchor: [on TV] Once again, the Maze was the focal point of a troubled peace process today, as Mo Mowlam arrived for a visit that has been variously described as mad or brave.
Mo Mowlam: [on TV] If we manage to get people round the table on Monday...
Aunt Sarah: God, she's a ballsy wee thing, isn't she?
Ma Mary: I've said it before and I'll say it again, if anyone's gonna sort that lot out it'll be a woman.
Quote from Erin
Chief Inspector Byers: But the caretaker has informed us that a substantial amount of computer equipment seems to have vanished.
Erin: We didn't take it.
Chief Inspector Byers: What were you doing on the grounds, girls?
Erin: We went there to... We thought that we could... We were just trying to...
Orla: Break in.
Erin: We would like to speak to a solicitor, please.
Chief Inspector Byers: All in good time.
Erin: For the tape, the inspector is refusing us the right of legal representation.
Chief Inspector Byers: There is no tape.
Quote from Orla
Orla: That actor there looks so familiar.
Erin: That's you, Orla.
Quote from Michelle
James: These kids from Germany made a short film about the Berlin Wall, and it won an Oscar.
Michelle: Aye, but they probably had, you know, talent. Look, we need to face the fact that we've spent the summer making something that's really quite shite.
James: It's not shit, Michelle. Well, the script might need a bit of work.
Erin: Do not start on the script again. The script is a masterpiece!
Michelle: The script is boring, Erin. It doesn't make any sense. What's it even about?
Michelle: Urgh, I am so fucking sick of peace! It's all anyone ever bangs on about. OK, I think we should just cut our losses, and make a couple of fake videos for You've Been Framed.
Orla: Oh, I can fall down three flights of stairs without even hurting myself!
Michelle: It's £250 a pop, people!
Quote from Granda Joe
Granda Joe: And what's that gotta do with Seamus?
Da Gerry: The fact that the corpses starting piling up within hours of you taking in a feral cat is no coincidence, Joe.
Granda Joe: It wasn't Seamus! Seamus wouldn't hurt a fly.
Da Gerry: I've seen him eat flies.
Granda Joe: Seamus didn't kill anything! There's a tabby, two streets away, has a vendetta against him. They had a falling out. I don't know the details.
Da Gerry: So, Seamus has been framed by another cat?!
Granda Joe: Exactly!
Aunt Sarah: Jesus, that's desperate.