Sam: So, Fras, where's Lilith these days?
Carla: It's been three or four weeks since we've seen old death with hips. You're not trying to hide her from us, are you?

Sam: Aw, come on, what are you doing here?
Carla: I had to get out of the house, Sam.
Sam: Walls closing in on you?
Carla: No. Too much broken glass on the floor. [throws glasses on the floor]
Sam: Sweetheart. Come on, everything's going to be OK. It's going to be fine.
Carla: Oh, it's not gonna be fine, Sam. It's never going to be fine again. Nothing in my life makes sense anymore. How could this happen? How could he do this? How could I not know? What's wrong with me? What was wrong with him?
Woody: How did he know which pants were in which house?
Carla: How do I know who he really loved? I mean, it was different with Nick. Nick was scum with ear hair. But Eddie... I mean, Eddie was good. The fact that somebody good loved me made me feel good. Now if it turns out he wasn't any good after all, does that mean that all this time I've been a fool?
Woody: I bet he kept jeans at your house and his dress slacks at her place.

Carla: Sammy, what took you so long?
Rebecca: I decided to hang around and wait for the lab report. When I finally got it, I was afraid to look at it. I've been walking around the Common hoping someone would mug me and steal it.
Carla: Yeah. Well, those things are really hot. I carry a sign in my car: "Driver has no lab results."

Beth: I don't like to brag or anything, but I just lost 50 pounds. I don't think Woody will even recognize me.
Diane: Beth, that's wonderful. Norman, isn't that wonderful?
Norm: Yeah, it's great. Great. You know, actually, I just lost a little weight recently myself.
Carla: No, I just found it.

Cliff: Carla, you've really got strong, peasant hands.
Carla: Thank you, Cliff.
Cliff: It's really quite a refreshing change, you being nice to me all of a sudden.
Carla: It's not all of a sudden. It's like when you're in third grade when you tease the boy you secretly like the most.
Cliff: You mean the whole third grade secretly liked me?
Carla: Forget it.
Cliff: Wait a minute, Carla, are you trying to say you like me?
Carla: Well...
Cliff: Oh, come on, don't be shy. Say it. Say it so the guys can hear it.
Carla: [quietly] I like you. I said it.

Sam: Hey, fellas, listen up, you know how I've been trying to hustle up more business for the bar? Well, I think this baby's just the ticket. Cheers is now the proud owner of a blood pressure tester.
Carla: That's that's great, Sammy. I think we ought to get some velvet ropes outside to handle the lines.
Sam: No, no, come on, will you? Lighten up here, this could be fun. What the hell is this? They sent me a slot machine.
Carla: Well, I lived kind of a sheltered girlhood, but offhand, I'd say this looks like a Gametime model 36X with remodelled sprockets, triple-action tumblers. "The Big Boy".

Carla: Dave, this is a really good idea.
Dave: Yeah, it's pretty good, isn't it?
Carla: About time you got around to Mayday.
Dave: Well, actually, I'm really kind of excited that he agreed to do the interview. You know, John McEnroe cancelled out on me.
Carla: So Sam was your second choice?
Dave: No. Gerry Cheever's out of town with his horses.
Carla: Third?
Dave: ML Carr has laryngitis.
Carla: Fourth?
Dave: Jim Rice is out of town, and, uh, Robert Parish was last week. And Becky Bannerman, the junior high school gymnast, is on a field trip.
Carla: But Sam was the first retired guy you thought of?
Dave: No. Well...
Carla: [grabs Dave's tie] I said, Sam was the first retired guy you thought of!
Dave: The very first.
Carla: He's honored.

Sam: I'm gonna be in back, cleaning up.
Carla: That's our job, Sam.
Sam: [o.s.] It's my bar, Carla!
Diane: Listen, Carla, will you watch my customers while I'm gone, please?
Carla: Sure. I'll go over, act geeky, give 'em the wrong drinks. They'll never know you're gone.

Carla: No emotional appeal here, Sam. This is a purely intellectual argument. You let this bar go gay, you are gonna have to hire male waitresses. Right? That means I'm out on the street, and I'm not gonna be able to feed little... [holds baby bump] Sammy Tortelli. He kicked. What? Ssh, ssh, ssh. What's that he's trying to say there? [high-pitched voice] I'm hungry. I'm hungry. Please don't let Sammy do this to us.
Sam: Thanks for keeping emotions out of it.
Coach: I think it's a trick, Sam.

Woody: Hey, Carla? Vinnie Claussen is here to see you.
Carla: What's he doing here? You better not watch this, kid. You're about to see a guy's dreams dashed on the rocks of Tortelli Point.