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‘Carla Loves Clavin’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: Carla Loves Clavin

923. Carla Loves Clavin

Aired March 21, 1991

Carla is hoping to win a car in the Miss Boston Barmaids Contest, until she learns that Cliff is one of the judges. Meanwhile, Rebecca hires Norm to paint the office.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Boy, that Carla sure is smart, buttering up to Mr. Clavin so she'll win. Wish I'd had those smarts when I was doing the county fair circuit with my hog Maribelle. Rule number one: you got to schmooze. You gotta go to the right parties. You gotta sell out. I wouldn't. So I brought Maribelle home a loser. It broke my heart.
Frasier: How was Maribelle?
Woody: Not bad with applesauce.

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Quote from Norm

Norm: Okay, Rebecca, uh, here's the deal. I'll paint the whole office, including woodwork, and, uh, it'll run you 400.
Rebecca: $400 sounds reasonable.
Norm: Oh, no, that's 400 beers. The "B" with the slanty line through it. It's kind of my own special currency.
Rebecca: It's a deal.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Well, this year they're holding it at Cheers.
Norm: All right!
Paul: All right!
Sam: No, no, no, no. No, It's not what you think. They changed all the categories here. Listen to this. Speed, efficiency, memorization, personal warmth, courtesy. I mean, it's like bra size doesn't even exist anymore!
Frasier: Well, Sam, they're just trying to keep pace with the current social enlightenment. I mean, how would you like to be judged solely on the basis of your looks and your body alone?
Sam: I'd love it. I'd win.

Quote from Norm

Rebecca: I couldn't help but notice, for the last couple of days you have just been sitting here doing nothing.
Norm: Hi. I'm Norm Peterson. Obviously, we haven't met.
Rebecca: This really bothers me.
Norm: Why?
Rebecca: Because... Because you have a job to do and instead, you are just sitting here talking to Cliff all day long. I mean, you're not even trying.
Norm: Rebecca, do you get Cheers? I mean, do you understand the concept?
Rebecca: I want to see some work by the end of today. If you can't get the job done, I will hire a professional.
Norm: Oddly enough, that's what Vera said on our honeymoon.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: So, uh, how're you gonna get out of this one?
Norm: Relax, Cliffy, I got it covered. I have a new industrial paint sprayer. Gets the job done in a couple of hours.
Cliff: Very clever.
Norm: Mm-hmm. It was invented by the Japanese so they could paint, you know, more efficiently and quickly.
Frasier: Whereas you will use it to drink more beers, watch more TV, and put off everything until the very last minute.
Norm: Right. You see, they're way ahead of us in technology, but they don't have our creativity.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Take it easy, take it easy.
Carla: He wants a very dry martini with a twist. [shoves Cliff off his stool]
Cliff: What'd you do that for?
Carla: It's nothing personal. I was just letting off steam.
Cliff: Then why don't you push Norm off his stool?
Carla: You don't know much about physics, do you?

Quote from Carla

Carla: Woody, a beer for Cliff, please. And, uh, I have to get, four, five, six pretzels with the salt brushed off just one side. [sobbing] I touched his skin! Oh, horror, horror!
Frasier: You might pretend it's something less repulsive.
Carla: Less. Less repulsive than Cliff's naked back? Oh! You mean like a dead animal lying on the side of the road squirming with maggots?
Frasier: Precisely. Visualize.
Carla: Visualize! Yeah! I think that can work. Thanks, Doc. It's only maggots. It's only maggots.

Quote from Carla

Carla: You know, over the years, I've been pretty bad to Clavin.
Norm: Mmm.
Carla: And I've done some things that maybe I shouldn't have.
Norm: Mm-hmm.
Carla: Called him names. Punctured his tires. Set fire to his hair.
Norm: What's the question?
Carla: Do you think he noticed?
Norm: [snorts] You made this guy eat a bug once. Come on, that's a birthday the guy's never gonna forget.
Carla: Okay, I'll send him flowers.
Norm: Carla, that bug laid eggs in his stomach.
Carla: Yeah. That was kind of a bonus.

Quote from Paul

Cliff: Well, that, uh, Paul, in a nutshell, is the history of Western civilization. You were right to come to me.
Paul: I didn't come to you, Cliff. I was, uh, waiting to use the phone.
Carla: Go on, Cliff. I'm listening. I'm interested in Western civilization.
Paul: You all right, Carla?
Carla: Beat it, lard butt!
Paul: Thank God. I thought I was hallucinating.

Quote from Norm

Rebecca: Oh, and, Norm, remember, this time Sam wants something really simple.
Norm: Oh, yeah. I've got some, some choices here. Um, I've got sand white, uh, ivory white, off-white, Navajo white...
Rebecca: They all look just alike.
Norm: Well, they're different.
Rebecca: Are you sure?
Norm: Well, yeah. Of course I'm sure. What do you think? I'm trying to push one color on you? I mean, I resent that, Rebecca.
Rebecca: Oh, I'm sorry. No, that one's fine, right there.
Norm: Oh, cream white.
Rebecca: Mm-hmm.
Norm: Excellent choice. And, as luck would have it, I happen to have 42 gallons of it in my garage.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Well, good morning, Sam.
Sam: Yeah? What's good about it?
Frasier: Well, you have your health, a good business, and friends who put up with your violent mood swings.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Yeah. It's just I got some bad news. You guys all remember the Miss Boston Barmaid contest?
Cliff: Oh, yeah.
Carla: That's the annual contest where they try to find the most talented and efficient waitress in Boston, which - surprise, surprise - always turns out to be the babe with the biggest honeydews.

Quote from Sam

Sam: The whole contest has gone to hell. I mean, believe me, l... I really presented my case to the contest committee. See, I made a graph here. Look at this. Now, these the bust measurements of all the winners since 1976, and almost to a woman, they're over a 38.
Woody: What's this one that dips way down here?
Sam: Uh, that's the year Diane won. It's no good. It's just no good at all. I think I'm gonna write my councilman. Oh, what am I talking about?! My councilman's a babe, too! God, the whole world's crowding in on me!

Quote from Carla

Woody: Carla, you gonna try out for this contest?
Carla: I don't think so.
Woody: Well, you heard Sam. It's not about looks this year.
Carla: Thank you, Woody.
Paul: You should do it, Carla.
Carla: Look, I know I'm a good waitress. I don't need some obnoxious dork in a cheap suit telling me I'm the best.
Frasier: But you are the best.
Carla: I just said I didn't need that.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Besides, even if I did win, what would I get? A lousy ten bucks and a handshake?
Norm: Well, it says here you get a brand new Mazda Miata.
Carla: Get out of town. Just for doing my job?
Norm: Mm-hmm.
Carla: Oh, I'm gonna get myself this Miata.
Norm: All right.
Carla: Yeah.
Norm: Uh! Uh-oh. Snag. What about warmth, personal courtesy?
Carla: What about me shoving this brochure up your nose?
Norm: You're a shoo-in.

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