Sam: Did you hear that? Diane said she woke up with this feeling that I'm gonna propose to her. The stupidest thing I've ever heard. [loud clank]
Carla: Don't ever make fun of a woman when she says she has a feeling about something. Sammy, you're tampering with the psychic world here, and you're gonna be sorry.
Sam: Oh, come on.
Carla: No, no, no, I'm serious. It has to do with a woman's cycle. See, somehow it's plugged into the supernatural.
Sam: Oh, you're being ridiculous.
Carla: No, no, Sammy, please. Come here. Please.
Sam: What?
Carla: Just promise me you'll be careful.
Sam: Okay, I'll be careful.

Carla: Hi, everybody.
Rebecca: Carla, what are you doing here?
Carla: Living my lifelong dream, fulfilling all my fantasies. I'm a cocktail waitress. What do you think I'm doing here?!

John: Perhaps the diuretic is making me sentimental, but, uh... What do you suppose would happen if we were foolhardy enough to attempt to take our relationship to the next plateau?Hypothetically, of course.
Carla: Yeah, well, I have thought about that a little bit. I'm not proud of it, but I've thought of it.
John: After all, we have eight celibate weeks in which to get to know each other better.
Carla: Okay, I'm game.
John: Uh, so, uh, Miss Tortelli.
Carla: Carla.
John: Oh, Carla! Carla... that's a pretty name.
Carla: Thank you.
John: So, uh, you, uh, you have any children?
Carla: ... No. So, uh, what's it like running a restaurant?
John: Well, you know, a lot of work, but, uh, very rewarding.
Carla: Oh, that's good. I mean that it's rewarding. Because there are a lot of jobs that aren't rewarding, and it's good that you found a job that is rewarding.

Norm: Well, I gotta get rid of a little bit right now. I'll be in the little boys' room.
Carla: Ah, ah, ah. Hop on one leg, big boy. Sammy, the pipes are clogged up again. Nothing's working back there.
Sam: I'm sorry, Norm. You're gonna have to go up to Melville's again.
Norm: Jacket in the same spot?
Sam: Yeah.
Cliff: Ah, what a drag there, Norm, having to dress up to go to the john.
Carla: Come on. You know, you men have it easy. We have to wear taffeta and have the correct change.

Sam: Don't work too hard there, Diane.
Diane: I don't mind. Our wedding day draws ever nearer, and all this conditioning is simply preparation for that special moment. When you and I exchange rings, my hands must be pristine, because everyone's eyes will be on my fingers.
Carla: And everyone's fingers'll be down their throats.
Diane: Oh, Carla. Sweet, pathetic Carla. Can't you see that I am in far too good a mood to let your petty asides bother me? I'm afraid you'll just have to find some other way of bugging me.
Carla: If you insist.
[Carla pushes Diane's still wet nails into the pile of cotton balls]

Diane: Carla Tortelli, Tom Kenderson.
Tom: Carla, nice to meet you.
Carla: [falls into his arms] I love you, Tom Kenderson. Look, here's my number and a couple of quotes from past lovers.
Tom: Uh, thank you, Carla.
Sam: Carla, come here, sweetheart.
Carla: Sam, he breathed on me, Sam. I'm a whole woman.
Sam: Coach, get her a seltzer.

Carla: [v.o.] Is Diane about to fall for Sam's brother? Will Sam's heart be broken? Will Norm find happiness in his new job? Will Coach return to coaching in Venezuela? Will Carl Yastremski please call Cheers and ask for the Spitfire?

Carla: I am not going to forget this. Of all the rotten things guys have done to me, this is the rottenest. My instincts were right.
Hank: Carla, I should have told you. I just didn't want to spoil it.
Carla: Spoil it? O,h I would have felt great, waking up tomorrow with a stiff next to me.
Sam: Well, at least you wouldn't have had to feed him breakfast.
Diane: Hank, why would you take such a risk?
Hank: How could I not? Carla, I've been so careful for so long. Then I met you and I just didn't care. The more I got to know you, the more I wanted to take the risk.
Carla: Wow. You're nuts.

Norm: I can't believe it. You guys really used to rock out on The Boston Boppers, huh?
Nick Tortelli: Sure. We were the stars. They couldn't stop us. Hey, you remember the host, Floyd Panjeric?
Carla: Yeah, what a dork. Remember that time we pantsed him during the station break? [laughs]

Sam: Carla, it's for you.
Carla: Who is it?
Sam: I don't know. It's one of your daughters.
Carla: Which one?
Sam: I couldn't tell. It sounded like, "Humanity."
Carla: Oh, it's Anne Marie. She's wearing a retainer on her teeth, and she's feeling a little insecure. [takes the phone] Anne Marie? No, I didn't know it was you from your ugly voice. Hon, no. Anne Marie, people are not gonna make fun of you every time you open your mouth. Honey, your family are not people. Yeah, right, goodbye.