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‘Two Girls for Every Boyd’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: Two Girls for Every Boyd

809. Two Girls for Every Boyd

Aired November 23, 1989

When Woody gets the lead in a play, he has trouble achieving chemistry with his co-star Emily (Lisa Kudrow). Meanwhile, the guys at the bar have a beard-growing contest.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Yeah, I got to hand it to you guys: You are good. Not in the ballpark of Nick Tortelli, though.
Norm: Yeah?
Carla: Now, that was a hairy man. Yeah, you know, the first time I saw him naked, I couldn't even tell he was naked. But then who would've expected it at a Bob's Big Boy?

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Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Sam? Sam, get this. Who do you think I look like with my beard this way?
Sam: Oh. Well, that's easy. You look like that little guy on the cans of deviled ham.
Frasier: No, no. Sigmund Freud, the father of modern psychoanalysis and one of the greatest minds of the 20th century.
Sam: He gave all that up to sell deviled ham?
Frasier: The man had to live. You know, lately, when I'm in my office taking notes about some patient who's pouring his guts out, I imagine I'm Dr. Freud and I'm back in Vienna, hobnobbing with the great minds of the era, exchanging quips with Jung, developing the original theories of psychoanalysis. Before I know it, the hour's up. I've discovered I haven't even listened to a single thing the patient's been saying. It makes a nice change.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Evening, everybody.
All: Norm!
Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
Norm: Got any flea powder? No. Just kidding. Actually, give me a beer. I think I'll drown the little suckers.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: I can't believe it!
Woody: Oh, wait, Kelly. It's not what it looks like.
Kelly: Don't make excuses, Woody. Now I see what's going on. You're busy every night and you won't tell me why. I walk in here and find the two of you kissing in the back room of a bar. It all adds up... You're in a play and you didn't even tell me!
Woody: Wait! Maybe I was just cheating on you!

Quote from Norm

Cliff: What do you say there, Norm? You want to put your peach fuzz on the starting line?
Norm: Like I've got nothing better to do than sit around a bar all day and watch my hair grow. Yeah, I'm in. Yeah.

Quote from Norm

Sam: Woody, Woody, you got to tell Kelly you're rehearsing a play.
Norm: I'm afraid Sammy's right. You can't go sneaking out at nights on somebody you love. Woody, you have to believe that truth and...
Carla: Norm, it's Vera.
Norm: I'm not here! ...honesty are the cornerstones of any relationship.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Carla? Beer, please. Friends, circle the day in red. Today, Lilith and I are off on our first outing sans baby.
Norm: All right. Congratulations, Frasier.
Frasier: And well deserved, too. I feel like a free man. You have no idea how an infant can dominate your life. Fortunately, Lilith and I have seen to it that we can get away and enjoy ourselves independently.
Carla: Where you going?
Frasier: Well, first, we're off to the crib store to buy a new liner, and then it's a Lamaze reunion.
Cliff: Wait, wait, wait. So who's taking care of the little papoose?
Frasier: Oh, we've lucked into the most fabulous au pair. You know, one of those foreign-exchange students who, in return for room and board, take care of the child? Ours happens to be large, blond, and from Sweden.
Norm: Ooh! Now, Lilith doesn't object to having a spicy little Swedish meatball around the house?
Frasier: She's been so busy being a mommy, I don't think she's even noticed.
[Lilith enters with a tall, muscular, blonde Swedish man carrying Frederick]
Lilith: Come on, Frasier. We don't want to cut into Torsten's exercise time.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Sammy, say, you shouldn't be so surprised. You know, women really can't resist a thick crop of jaw hair. It goes back to, uh... It goes back to Androcles.
Norm: Wait a second. Wasn't Androcles the guy who pulled the thorn out of the lion's paw?
Cliff: That's what he told his wife when she found the scratches on his back, huh? I'm telling you, guys... Babes and beards.
Carla: Yeah? If beards are such a babe magnet, why don't you have one?
Cliff: Well, as a matter of fact, Carla, in my family's history, I'm the first Clavin to go without a beard.
Carla: You're the first Clavin to go without a tail.
Cliff: You know, Carla... you know, one day without giving the old Norelco a face ride, this chin would outshine Sammy's.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Can you believe this pathetic display?
Lilith: It pleases me that you're secure enough in your masculinity to forego these never-ending rites of passage.
Frasier: No, no, I mean that this convention of babies' bottoms think they can grow better beards than me. All right, you bald-faced debutantes, I'm in.

Quote from Woody

Sam: Hey, guys. I thought you were out on a date.
Woody: We are, Sam. I'm topping off the evening by bringing Kelly here to Cheers.
Sam: Why do that? You spend all your time here.
Woody: Well, I know, but tonight I'm here as a customer, and that means I get to order you around. Two ginger ales, big guy, and don't try to slip us any of that house stuff. Look at him run.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Hey, everybody, that was the director of my community theater! I finally got a lead in one of our plays! [cheering] First, I get a bike when I'm 10, and now this? Boy, l...
Rebecca: Woody, what part are you going to play?
Woody: Oh, I'm playing George Gibbs from Our Town, kind of a naive, small-town guy who's a little shy and sort of backward. Can you believe they chose me?
Woody: Oh, this is really exciting. The girl who's playing Emily is a terrific actress. I mean, actually, she's got kind of an advantage because her real name is Emily.
Rebecca: Ah.
Woody: She don't even have to learn to answer to a different name.
Cliff: Oh. I guess you'll be doing all the real work, then, huh?

Quote from Woody

Rebecca: All I can say is it's about time. You have lugged coffee around and sold tickets in that theater long enough.
Woody: Just paying my dues, Miss Howe. Boy, this is a big night for me. Who wants to help me paint the town? [the guys follow]
Cliff: All right!
Norm: Yeah!
Cliff: Hey, where we going, Wood?
Woody: To the theater. I'm in charge of the scenery and I got to paint the town. [the guys turn back to the bar]

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Good man, Wood. After all, being a proud member of the theater world is nothing to be ashamed of.
Carla: How would you know?
Frasier: Back in my university days, I once trod the boards, most memorably as man number two in our production of Can-Can.
Woody: I didn't know that, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Oh, yes. It was the only time I seriously considered giving up psychology for the arts, but I couldn't disappoint my Father. No, sir, not him. I remember opening night. I stared breathlessly out from behind the curtain to see if he'd taken the seat I'd left for him. But he was too busy with his experiments to show up. Always involved with those damned experiments.
Norm: Your dad was a scientist, huh?
Frasier: No. He was a white rat. Of course he was a scientist, you nit! You see, my father wanted me to go into psychology... He insisted on it. At the time, I hated him for it. Then he died before I had a chance to realize that he was right, and I never got to tell him. It's funny, isn't it?
Woody: [laughs] That's a good one, all right, Dr. Crane!
Frasier: Woody... I meant "funny" in a sad, ironic way.
Woody: Ha! I know! Those kill me!

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: All right, losers. Let's count the hair on our chinny-chin-chins.
Carla: Come off it, Clavin. If you expect us to believe you grew that phony beard overnight, you're as stupid as you look.
Cliff: No chance of that, Carla. No, this righteous facial moss is pure Clavin.
Carla: Yeah, baloney! [pulls Cliff's beard]
Cliff: Ah!
Carla: This thing is really on there.
Cliff: Hey, all right. Knock it off! Come on, guys, I told you. I told you Clavin hair grows in spurts. It runs in the family. As a matter of fact, Grandpa Clavin... He used to let us hang from his beard. No, wait a second. Grandpa Clavin died when I was 6. Who was that guy?

Quote from Cliff

Carla: Hear ye, hear ye. Here are the results you've all been waiting for. And the winner is...
Rebecca: [scoffs] Cliff Clavin.
Norm: Oh, man.
Cliff: Hey, surprise. Well, we know it's not fixed.
Carla: But you should be.
Rebecca: Well, don't look at me, you guys. He passed all the tests.
Cliff: Yep, I'm going to go call my barber... Yeah, yeah, yeah... Tell him I won the contest in spite of that inch he trimmed off my beard.
Frasier: Well, I suppose it's time we shave.
Norm: Yep.
Frasier: To tell you the truth, I'm going to kind of miss the old beard.
Norm: Yeah. I rather enjoyed looking like a macho, grizzly, gnarly kind of guy that my wife wouldn't come near with a 10-foot pole.
Cliff: [on the phone] Yeah, I'd like to talk to somebody about one of your industrial adhesive products.

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