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‘The Ghost and Mrs. Lebec’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: The Ghost and Mrs. Lebec

823. The Ghost and Mrs. Lebec

Aired April 12, 1990

After Carla considers jumping back into the dating world, she starts to see the ghost of Eddie LeBec haunting her.

Quote from Carla

Frasier: Carla, it's all right.
Carla: He's over there! He's over there!
Frasier: Carla, listen to me. Carla, Carla, listen to me. Listen to me. Open your eyes and look around. Now, you see? Nobody's there.
Carla: [screams] Oh, the dead!
Frasier: No, no, Carla, Carla, that's Lilith! Granted, she could use a little sun.

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Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Carla, this psychic business is just a crutch to avoid reality. It's very easy for people to get hooked on this hocus-pocus. And, well, before you know it, this woman'll be holding your hand once a week, charging you $100 an hour, and filling your mind with all sorts of confusing jargon.
Carla: And how is that different from you?
Frasier: Well, um... I can prescribe drugs.

Quote from Lilith

Lilith: Well, kudos to Carla. It's healthy after a time to curtail one's grieving and recommence an interest in the opposite sex. I know if my Frasier were taken from me in an unforeseen tragedy, I would certainly date again after an acceptable period of bereavement.
Frasier: That gives me a warm fuzzy.
Lilith: There'd be no sense in being overly emotional, darling. You'd be dead and rotting in a box.
Frasier: Woody, may I have another beer, and would you check on the robot over there, see if it's thirsty?
Woody: Hey, Dr. Crane, that's your wife. Don't talk about her like that. What can I get you Dr. Sternin-Crane? Another quart of valvoline?
Lilith: Oh, look, you people, stop it. [robotically] I am not a robot.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Now, when you purchased the Lady Baldy, you knew full well that it pulls hairs out by the root, correct?
Rebecca: Yes, I did.
Woody: Then wouldn't you have to be a complete idiot not to expect some irritation or discomfort? [Rebecca is silent] Come on, what's your answer? We're on television. Thousands of people are watching.
Rebecca: Okay, okay. Well, I guess...
Woody: Oh, you guess? Great, great. You guess.
Hey, this is a news show. We're here for the facts.
Rebecca: All right, so, the facts are...
Woody: Eh! Too late. They've gone to commercial. You're what was.
Norm: Woody, that was a mean, vicious streak. I've never seen that side of you. Where does that come from?
Woody: Well, our theater's doing a production of 12 Angry Men.
Norm: Yeah?
Woody: We've only got six, so we have to be, like, twice as furious.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: [on TV] And, obviously, Dennis, I am not alone in my belief that the company that manufactures the Lady Baldy is irresponsible, unconscionable, and simply out for a quick buck.
Woody: He's being way too easy on her. I'd have had her in tears by now.
Dennis: [on TV] Well, Ms. Howe, as you know, our crack staff has traced through numerous false fronts to unearth the culprit.
Rebecca: [on TV] Fine. I say we have them hunted naked through the streets by dogs.
Dennis: And we have succeeded in learning that the makers of the Lady Baldy is Lesco ventures.
Rebecca: [on TV] Ladies and gentlemen, write that down. Boycott all lesco ventures products.
Dennis: [on TV] Which is merely a subsidiary of a major conglomerate owned by millionaire financier Robin Colcord.
Woody: Nailed her, yes!
Dennis: [on TV] Ms. Howe, you'll be pleased to know we've submitted a formal complaint in your name to Colcord Industries.
Rebecca: [on TV] Oh. [looks back at a picture of Robin] I didn't want to complain. Why would I complain? This is a wonderful product. Look. Now, you see that? [straining] You see how smooth and silky... There.
Dennis: [on TV] Um, Ms. Howe...
Rebecca: [on TV] And another thing, Dennis, if you don't quit harassing the good people who work for lady baldy, well, then, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take action against you. Dennis, do you have a styptic pencil?

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Madame Lazora, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, a scientist and a rational human being. I feel it's my duty to warn you that I am going to be watching you, madame, with a jaundiced eye, ready to expose you at the sign of the first floating head.
Madame Lazora: Ooh, I'm shaking.

Quote from Frasier

Madame Lazora: Wait, wait, wait. I sense something. l... I feel a presence. [shaking and glasses rattling]
Carla: Oh, my God! It's Ed! Eddie's returned. [glasses jingling]
Frasier: Made you look, made you look!
Lilith: Frasier, don't be such an insensitive clod.
Frasier: Oh, come on! This is ridiculous! You know, there is a reason why she can't contact him. You've all overlooked one important thing. The man is dead, people! Was I the only one at the funeral? I mean, this is a sham. This woman is a fake, a charlatan, a mountebank.

Quote from Carla

Carla: How dare you criticize my spiritualist! Do you think it's easy to communicate with the dead? Has it ever occurred to you that maybe it isn't her fault? Maybe Eddie doesn't want to be raised. Maybe he doesn't have anything to say to me. Maybe he hasn't been spooking me at all. How do you know that the problem isn't all in my head? Did you ever think of that, Mr. Big Time Shrink? Maybe I'm just conjuring up all these images of Eddie because I'm afraid to go out on my first date in three years.
Madame Lazora: Eddie... Eddie is here. Eddie says you are right, Carla.
Carla: Oh, it's a miracle. You're a genius.
Frasier: Oh, for the love of God.
Carla: You saw it. You just choose not to believe.

Quote from Cliff

Madame Lazora: Eddie has passed over. The spirits have left us. May they rest in peace. The seance is over.
Norm: Well, thank you. That's really something, huh, Cliffie?
Cliff: Boy, yeah, I'll say. Boy, I've seen fire, and I've seen rain.
Norm: Cliff, everyone's seen fire and rain.
Cliff: Oh. Well, then, I guess I got nothing to say.

Quote from Norm

Norm: I tell you, tonight really made a believer out of me.
Cliff: Really?
Norm: Yep. From now on, it's beer through a straw.

Quote from Norm

Lilith: What a terrible experience, Carla. Um, what do you suppose triggered this bizarre apparition?
Carla: Well, it's obvious, isn't it? Eddie's spirit does not want me to be on that date. He's come back from beyond the grave to tell me not to go out with Darryl Mead.
Frasier: Oh, Carla, you can't be serious. Ghouls do not rise from their resting place just to ruin your dating life.
Norm: Oh, Vera did.

Quote from Rebecca

Woody: So, what were you complaining about, Ms. Howe?
Rebecca: Thank you for asking, Woody. Last month, I purchased a Lady Baldy.
Norm: A what?
Rebecca: It's this electronic device for women and it's used to pull leg hairs out by the roots. I am telling you, this monster chewed my legs to bits. You know, and Consumer Patrol's had a lot of reports from other women about the exact same thing, but they chose me to appear on television.
Lilith: You must have written a very eloquent letter.
Rebecca: Yes, I think I did. Also, I took a piece of stationery and smacked it against my bloody, mangled legs and sent them that, too.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: All right, Lilith, let's just have out with it once and for all. Should I pass on, just who is it you'd be smacking your lips at over my open casket?
Lilith: For God's sake, Frasier, all right. If you were to die, I would weep for days on end, wear black till the end of my life, and never, ever, ever let another man touch me as long as I live. This I would do in loving remembrance of you. Ok?
Frasier: Now, was that so hard?

Quote from Sam

Norm: What's the matter with Sammy?
Woody: He's not feeling well. He ain't gonna be in today.
Norm: Ohh, a girl.
Woody: He probably won't be in tomorrow, either.
Norm: Two girls.
Woody: He might not be in the whole week.
Norm: The Laker Girls.
Woody: No, it's serious. He thinks he might have chicken pox.
Norm: Chicken pox. That's... Pretty painful for an adult and highly contagious, too.
[elsewhere, Sam is wearing a mask as he sits on his bed with six women:]
Sam: Okay, ladies, now, remember, no matter how much I beg you, don't scratch me. [The women start to put on masks]

Quote from Carla

Norm: So go over there and ask him out, huh? What do you say?
Carla: No.
Cliff: Come on, Carla.
Carla: I'm not the kind of girl who can just walk up to some guy and say hi.
Frasier: Why, Carla, what a refreshing thing to hear from someone like you.
Carla: Well, why bother saying hi when it's tattooed on your thigh?
Frasier: Where were you when I was in college?

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