Tobias: Here he comes. Here comes John Wayne. "I'm not gonna cry about my pa. I'm gonna build an airport, put my name on it." Why, Michael? So you can fly away from your feelings? You can keep 'em bottled up, but they will come out, Michael. Sometimes in the most unexpected- Hey, where the [bleep] are my hard-boiled eggs?

Lindsay: What happened to you?
Tobias: What? Oh, oh. My ears. The doctor said I can't go to sleep for five hours or I might die or something. [to George Michael] Oh, I got blown, so I can't sleep.

Michael: Why don't you take this? I don't have anyone to go with anyway.
Tobias: Can you imagine how jealous that would make her? "Where's Tobias?" "Oh, he's just sharing a romantic horseback ride with Michael Bluth and they're dipping each other in"- Oh, you didn't get any body chocolate.
Michael: I- I didn't mean with me. I- I hate to see you struggle like this. In fact, why don't you let me ask her for you?
Tobias: Well, Michael, you really are quite the Cupid, aren't you? I tell you, you can zing your arrow into my buttocks anytime.
Michael: Okay. You know what you do? Buy yourself a tape recorder. Record yourself for a whole day. I think you're gonna be surprised at some of your phrasing.
Tobias: [gasps] Butterscotch! Want a lick?

Tobias: Oh, a pregnancy test. [chuckles] There's something we never had, huh, Lindsay? Oh, no. We had to create our little Frankenstein monster out of science and money and just a dash of- Maeby, what- H-How long have you been standing there?
Maeby: I just walked in.
Tobias: Just walked in. [chuckles] Seems like only yesterday you were bursting forth from your mother's fertile womb.

Michael: Lindsay, the place looks fantastic. What? Did you pay somebody to do this?
Tobias: [high-pitched voice; British accent] Oh, I've no need for payment. The love of the family is more than enough.
Lindsay: I'm sorry. This is Mrs. Featherbottom.
Tobias: From Blackstone. I'm charmed, I'm sure. Ooh! [prosthetic nose falls off] Back to work.
Lindsay: I think he misses his daughter.

Tobias: Although, if I may, let me take off my assistant skirt and put on my Barbra Streisand in The Prince of Tides ass-masking therapist pantsuit.
Michael: What?
Tobias: The reason that you can't accept my help is the same reason you can't hear that gentleman's idea, because you have to be in total control of everything. And it's going to make you sick if you can't let go.

Narrator: Michael came home to find his brother-in-law Tobias, who'd been kicked out of the house earlier that week.
Tobias: Michael. How are you?
Michael: Good. Didn't I already see you today?
Tobias: Not that I know of.
Narrator: Michael had seen him earlier that day as Tobias had been posing as an English nanny named Mrs.
Featherbottom.
[flashback:]
Tobias: [high-pitched voice; British accent] Okay, who'd like a banger in the mouth? Oh, right. I forgot. Here in the States you call it a sausage in the mouth.
Michael: We just call it a sausage.
Narrator: The family, of course, knew it was Tobias but the house had never been cleaner.

Lindsay: Stop it! Stop it! This objectification of women has to stop!
Gob: It's just Mom and whores.
Lindsay: No, how would you like it? Actually, that's not a bad idea. I should turn the tables on men and see how they like being objectified. Men with low self-esteem get their clothes off.
Tobias: That is a great- [emerges from the fireplace] That is a great social statement. I shall get the video camera. This is ripe for parody. This is ripe!
Buster: He just wants to see boys' Linuses. [chuckles]

Narrator: Tobias, meanwhile, was looking for a way to make his wife jealous by convincing her that he was not only a Blue Man, but still with Kitty, when he came across a makeup woman, who, coincidentally, looked a great deal like Kitty.
Tobias: If this tableau I recreate, perhaps I can re-snare my mate.
Narrator: Gee, why wouldn't she want him back?

Tobias: I'm afraid I'm with Michael on this. The guy runs a prison, he can have any piece of ass he wants.