Narrator: Scandalmakers was a show that reenacted headline-grabbing stories. The latest was about the Bluth family, the rights of which had been signed away by Tobias in exchange for the part of George Sr.
TV Narrator: When allegations surfaced he'd illegally built homes in Iraq George Bluth Sr., assisted by his secretary, Kitty escaped the country.
Narrator: Due to poor acting, the burden of the story was placed on the narrator.
TV Narrator: Only to be found hiding under one of the homes that he built.
Narrator: He was actually found in a hole near the house, but this inattention to detail was typical of the laziness the show's narrator was known for.
George Sr. actor: I can't survive under the house. Perhaps an attic shall I seek.
Narrator: Real shoddy narrating. Just pure crap.

Cal Cullen: Michael, I'm sorry. I cannot do business with you. I mean, I couldn't afford to end up on Scandalmakers.
Lucille: Oh, you could afford to do anything you want. You're just a big chicken. A-coodle-doodle-do. A-coodle-doodle-do. A-coodle-doodle-do.

Narrator: Restless, Buster went to the kitchen to find something to help him sleep when he came across Lucille's emergency stash of wine-
Buster: Motherlode.
Narrator: ...which he mistook for a giant juice box. It was the first taste of alcohol Buster had since he was nursing.

Lindsay: Stop it! Stop it! This objectification of women has to stop!
Gob: It's just Mom and whores.
Lindsay: No, how would you like it? Actually, that's not a bad idea. I should turn the tables on men and see how they like being objectified. Men with low self-esteem get their clothes off.
Tobias: That is a great- [emerges from the fireplace] That is a great social statement. I shall get the video camera. This is ripe for parody. This is ripe!
Buster: He just wants to see boys' Linuses. [chuckles]

Narrator: And so Michael went back to see his mom.
Michael: I- I know that you're upset with me because I brought you here under false pretenses, but I really was worried about you.
Lucille: Oh, please. I've been drinking since before you were born. So if alcohol is the reason I'm here, I've got news for you, bub. It's the only reason you're here too.
Michael: Hey, you're mean sober too.

Lucille: Hey! You start the meeting without me?
Michael: Mother, uh, this is Cal Cullen. You remember my mother, Lucille. We're right in the middle of talking about this exciting giveaway spa package to entice buyers.
Lucille: You know, he's never taken me anywhere. Oh, no. We have to live high and dry.
Cal Cullen: Well, you're certainly not dry. Michael, I'm not a prude, but it's 1:00 in the afternoon. Is your mother drunk?
Lucille: [snorts] I'd have to get up pretty early to get drunk by 1:00.
Narrator: As it turns out, she had gotten up early and had taken pain medication because of a hangover-related headache. However, she mistook the "drowsy eye" alcohol warning for a "winking eye" alcohol suggestion. Fortunately, she had the good sense not to drive herself to the meeting.
Lucille: No. I'll call for a car.
Narrator: Unfortunately, this was after a failed attempt to do so.
Lucille: [walks into a concrete column] Who the hell put-

Lindsay: No, I'm not doing another intervention with her. Last time, I felt terrible for a week.
Narrator: One year earlier, the family had tried an intervention.
Michael: You're pouring a drink? What are you doing?
Gob: What if she's mad?
Lindsay: Good point.
Tobias: Perhaps I'll have a little sip of something.
Michael: Guys, what could she do to us? Do we have anything single malt?
Narrator: And although the intervention didn't work-
Michael: We think you have a "prollen."
Gob: You're a "mesh".
Narrator: It turned into one of the Bluth family's better parties.

Michael: Well, maybe an intervention is the wrong approach. What about rehab? She was just a mess at the meeting. Where were you, by the way? I could've used your help with Mom.
Gob: I believe I told you I was gonna be out for the holidays. It's spring break. Not that I can enjoy it. My reputation's been ruined by that jerk Phillip Litt, who put my one magic show flub on his DVD.
Narrator: Gob had performed a magic act at an earlier spring break to get exposure on the best-selling video series Girls with Low Self-Esteem.
Gob: Or two flubs or whatever.
Narrator: There were seven flubs and after the show, he signed a release.
[flashback:]
Gob: Now, you're not gonna use the time that I screwed up, right?
Phillip Litt: That wasn't part of the act? Oh, come on, man. I'd never do anything to embarrass you. Please. [bird cooes]
Gob: [reaches into his pocket] Oh. Uh, you don't know a good bird hospital, do you?
Phillip Litt: [to the cameraman] You're getting all this, right?

Tobias: Well, at least the Orange County Register didn't say of your performance "If this is who George Sr.
Is, let's hope he remains missing." Meanwhile, they loved Dave Attell's risky choice of wearing cutoffs while portraying me.
Narrator: In fact, Mr. Attell was portraying Tobias's actual never-nude affliction, but this perplexed the Scandalmakers audience due to the unfocused nature of the narrator's explanation.

Narrator: Unbeknownst to Lindsay, Maeby was a fairly prominent member of the media, as she had secretly conned her way into a job as a film executive.
Mort Meyers: This Young Man on the Beach script sucks. She'd go to the guy just 'cause he said she's awesome? You call that dialogue?
Maeby: Hey, I didn't write it.
Mort Meyers: No, but you're gonna fix it. It's a spring break movie. Find out what they sound like.
Maeby: Oh, yeah, right. Do you really think I look college-aged?
Mort Meyers: I'm not drunk. But I'm willing to be. Hint.
Maeby: Oh, Mort, you're gonna be so easy to blackmail. Hint.