Tobias: Although, if I may, let me take off my assistant skirt and put on my Barbra Streisand in The Prince of Tides ass-masking therapist pantsuit.
Michael: What?
Tobias: The reason that you can't accept my help is the same reason you can't hear that gentleman's idea, because you have to be in total control of everything. And it's going to make you sick if you can't let go.

Tobias: Wouldn't do what?
Lindsay: Be Michael's assistant.
Tobias: [chuckles] Well, that's what I came down here to ask about. I think you'll find me more than qualified.
Michael: It's really not that simple. Uh, you'd have to submit a resume.
Tobias: Booyah!
Michael: Wow. Gobias Industries.
Tobias: Gobias.
Michael: Right.
Tobias: As in "Go buy us a cup of-"
Michael: I remember, yeah.

Dr. Stein: But I'm certainly good enough to take out that appendix of yours.
Lucille: Appendix? I don't buy it. Could be a hernia.
Tobias: Or it could be your colon. I'd want to get in there and find some answers.

Narrator: Tobias had been sent to the office by George Sr.
Tobias: My name is Dr. Tobias Funke and I'll be filling in for Michael, who is not sick. [chuckles] In fact, just today I saw a sliver of his buttocks and they're as fresh and firm as a Georgia peach, so not to worry. [chuckles] But before you all rise up and say, "Well, let's make this man our leader," well, I think that won't be necessary after you see this.

Michael: That was a very important phone call.
Lindsay: I don't have much time, Michael. Tobias is about to walk in here any minute asking for a job, and I need you to hire him.
Michael: [answers phone] Hi. I'm sor- [Lindsay hangs up again] Look, it isn't my idea, it's his. But I need a break from Mrs. Featherbottom.
Narrator: Since moving out, Tobias had been pretending to be a British housekeeper as a way to be close to his family. However, his desire to now be discovered as himself was becoming bothersome.
Michael: Can't you just tell him you know that he's Mrs. Featherbottom?
Lindsay: Oh, no, no, no. She's the only one who can hand wash my delicates.
Michael: Yeah, the real Tobias wouldn't do that.

Ted: Michael, Starla told us about the cutback. You know, a lot of our overhead is tied up in the fact we are on the top floor of a very expensive building. If we move just one floor lower-
Michael: Ted, everything's fine. I got it all under control, and nobody needs to move.
Tobias: I'm sorry. Ted, is it?
Ted: Yes.
Tobias: Ted. Did Ted make an appointment?
Ted: No, I just work down the hall and-
Tobias: No. Well, then, Ted can get the hell out of this office!
Ted: I'm talking-
Tobias: You get the hell out! [calmly] And that's how you keep out unwanted visitors.

Narrator: In fact, Gob was at Ancient Chinese Secret at that moment, but not for a migraine.
Gob: Yeah, I need a tea to give my dingle less tingle. Me quick, want slow. Wait, that's Indian. Tea for dong. [a woman speaks her native language in the back room] Sweet blade.
Asian Man: It's the Sword of Destiny. It's full of ancient magic.
Gob: Oh, yeah? You into magic? Still, where'd the lighter fluid come from? So, is it for sale? I could use it in my act.
Asian Man: Maybe. Sword of Destiny hundreds of years old. Come with ancient story of warning and-
Gob: Yeah, I make up my own patter. Just ring it up with the dong tea.

Narrator: And Gob caught up with Michael.
Gob: Michael. Been lookin' for you.
Michael: Looks like you're looking for dragons, in the future.
Gob: I wouldn't mock the Sword of Destiny, Michael.
Michael: Careful with that, Gob.
[Gob misses the sheath as he sticks the sword back down his side]
Michael: Bleeding?
Gob: Nope. Yeah, that's blood. It'll get better before the show. That's what I need you for, Michael. I can't perform my illusion at the Gothic Castle because I've been banned from the Magicians' Alliance. I need you to register as the magician, and I'm the lowly assistant. Then we get on the stage, and you ram the Sword of Destiny into my belly. What do you think?
Michael: Really picked up steam there at the end, but I can't. I've gotta teach George Michael how to drive. And then I gotta get right back here, because-
Gob: Michael, if I make this comeback I'll buy you 100 George Michaels you can teach to drive!
Michael: You're losing blood, aren't you?
Gob: Probably. My socks are wet.
Michael: Sorry.
Gob: You'll be sorry! Wait, that doesn't work after his line.

Michael: George Michael, ready to drive? I don't have much time.
George Michael: Get me behind that wheel.
Michael: Oh, no, you will not be behind the wheel. You'll observe me while I demonstrate some things, okay? I'll be quizzing you too, hotshot. I'm gonna go grab the video camera. And then, school's in.
Maeby: I'd skip.
Gob: Well, no, I need to learn. You can't get around anywhere without a driver's license.
Narrator: Actually, Maeby had received a company car from the movie studio where she was secretly posing as an executive.

Michael: What's the deal with the turban?
George Sr.: Huh? Pretty smart, huh? And- And it's warm too.
Michael: Guess that makes sense.
George Sr.: Oh, hey, I heard about that reduced order. Those bastards. This videotape is for our employees. You take this and play it. This will reassure them that someone is in charge.
Michael: Well, someone is in charge, Dad. I'm in charge. I've never even taken a sick day.
George Sr.: No, a real authority. My presence needs to be, uh, reinstated.
Narrator: His first effort at doing so had already failed.
[flashback:]
George Sr.: When do you start being my mole at my company?
Tobias: Actually, Michael turned me down for the job.
George Sr.: What?
Tobias: Yeah, something to do with their housing order being cut back.
George Sr.: Oh, my God, that's a horrible sign- [stands up and hits head on beam] Ow! Damn it!