Dick: Why did you have to grow up?
Tommy: I don't know. It's just the body I picked.
Dick: Well, I don't like it.
Tommy: Parenting's hard.
Dick: You give love. You give encouragement. You give support. And then, if you do a good job, they just go away.
Tommy: Well, then I guess you did a pretty good job then, right?
Dick: What do you mean?
Tommy: Parental love, at its best, it's the only love there is that inevitably leads to separation.
Dick: How do you always know these things?
Tommy: I'm the Information Officer. I sent you a memo on this, years ago.
Dick: I guess I did do a pretty good job.
Tommy: Yeah.

August: You sure you don't mind seeing this movie?
Tommy: [sarcastically] Oh, no. Anne Bancroft, Olympia Dukakis, and Holly Hunter? What teenage boy wouldn't want to see this movie?

Tommy: You know, it is amazing the advances the Swedes have made in the science of furniture, especially considering they have only one known tool. [holds up Allen key]

Tommy: Hey, Don, uh, I gotta tell you something.
Don: Can it wait, Tommy? I got a date with the FBI.
Tommy: Well, then, no. No, it can't. You see, uh, this is pretty funny. [chuckles] I actually think you're gonna laugh. It turns out that it was me who destroyed Old Man Sweeney's field all along.
Don: What? What the hell are you talking about?
Tommy: Well, it's no big deal. I was just trying to have a little fun, and so it went too far, you know?
Don: Oh? Is that so? Well, how do you explain the crop circle and the burn marks?
Tommy: Well, I... I was running laps with a flaming 2x4 dragging behind me. You see, I'm a teenager. I don't know any better. See ya.
Don: Not so fast, junior! There's one thing you can't explain. What's this?
Tommy: That? Well- Well, this is a- it's- it's a- it's a sling-a-rang. It's a toy. You know, you you throw it... [clunk] And- And it just lands there on the floor, you know? I'm sure you've seen the commercials for it on TV. You know, the little jingle. [sings] Sling-a-rang Sling-a-rang Pick it up And fling that thang.

Tommy: Well, I was watching these women play volleyball, and they were all jumping up and down, up and down in these little shorts. And some can't jump as high as the others, but I mean, it's okay. It's more than okay. It's really okay. I mean-
Dick: What is wrong with you?
Tommy: I don't know.
Dick: Well, we can't leave without that information. So access the mainframe, enter the net, download, and then go straight home as soon as you're finished.
Tommy: Why are you talking to me like I'm a child?
Dick: You are a child.
Tommy: I'm older than you.
Dick: Well, now I'm bigger, and on this planet size matters.

Tommy: Wow, I've finally found what I was looking for. David Copperfield. It doesn't look boring. He saws himself in half and makes the statue of liberty disappear.

Dick: Of course Harry needs a father. I should have seen it. Well, I can fill those shoes. I'm pretending to be your father. Of course, I may have to neglect you for awhile.
Tommy: I know. I don't mind. You're a terrible father, anyway.
Dick: Well, you're a lousy son.
Tommy: I'm old and set in my ways.

Tommy: Yeah, all this romance talk makes me want to call my girlfriend. [picks up Harry's arm] Hey, Harry, can you give me a dial tone? [laughs]
Harry: Well, aren't we witty. Let me ask you this. Has the Big Giant Head ever called us?
Dick: Not yet.
Tommy: Well, how will we know when he does?
Dick: Well, when the Big Giant Head calls, Harry will suddenly go blank and stare off into space.
Tommy: Like I said, how will we know when he does?

Tommy: [wearing a doctor's coat] Hey, look what I got.
Sally: Wow!
Tommy: It was just hanging over there behind a door.
Harry: Whoa! Well, are there any left?
Tommy: Yeah, and the best part is, you can go anywhere you want to, people treat you like a God, and you get 10% off everything at the gift shop.

Sally: Harry, you're back! Oh, we were so worried about you!
Harry: Whoa! Are you my wife?
Sally: Yeah, right. [slaps Harry]
Tommy: Harry, we have been looking all over for you.
Sally: Geez, Harry, you're a mess.
Tommy: Where have you been?
Harry: Well, I'm not sure. My mind's a complete blank.
Tommy: So then you're fine.