Tommy: All right, I found another box in the basement.
Dick: What's "X-mas"?
Tommy: I don't know, but it's got to be something psychedelic. Check this out. [holds up Christmas lights]
Dick: This is heavy.
Sally: Far out.
Harry: My mind is blown.
Dick: Who is this?
Tommy: [holds toy Santa] I think it's Jerry Garcia.

Tommy: Personally, I think Dick's going a little overboard with the whole thing. You have to realize making love to Mr. Randell is your decision.
Sally: You're right. I'll do it. I mean, what do I have to lose except my virginity? Good-bye, Mr. Hymen.
Tommy: You're firing our accountant? Oh.

Sally: But, um I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, banking and the killing of all spiders!
Harry: Ha, spiders! Spiders are more afraid of us than we are of them.
Sally: Harry, there's a spider on your neck.
Harry: Get it off! Get it off! Ah, that's very funny.
Sally: See, Harry, you could never handle my job!
Harry: I could do it with my eyes closed.
Tommy: You do everything with your eyes closed.

Tommy: You know what the Aztecs' problem was? They were at the wrong apex of the technological world arc.
Mary: I've never heard of that.
Tommy: Oh, it's my own theory. You see, technology begins in China in 5,000 B.C., with, um, literature and architecture and pasta and alcoholic beverages and fireworks.
Mary: Oh. Would you like an Oreo?
Tommy: Oh, thank you.
Mary: Oh, please continue. This is fascinating.
Tommy: So over the centuries the techno-arc moves through the Middle East, Egypt, Greece, Rome, Florence, Europe, the Americas, until it gets back to the Pacific Rim, but it always travels west.
Mary: So you're saying, the earth's rotation affects civilization.
Tommy: Exactly! And every dominant society is in sync with the arc.
Mary: And the Aztecs are-
Tommy: They're off the arc by 2,000 years, and that is why their advancements are never recognized.

Tommy: All right. That's it. I can't take it anymore. I want back.
Dick: Well, I thought you liked Eagle Vista.
Tommy: No. You know what? They keep the TV too loud, it's too hot, everybody's on drugs. It's just like a rave but without the babes.
Sally: But you seemed to be having so much fun.
Tommy: Oh, I was atrophying. It made me feel like an old man.
Dick: But that's what you are.
Tommy: Yeah, but that's not how I feel. At least I didn't until I retired. This is what retirement does to you. It makes you old.

Tommy: Where did you find those?
Dick: In your sock drawer.
Sally: How could you? After all we've done for you.
Tommy: Okay. It's not what you think.
Dick: It's exactly what I think. It's oregano and fresh rosemary.
Sally: I can't believe it. You can cook!
Harry: You punk!
Tommy: No! No, I can't cook. I swear!
Dick: Then how do you explain this?
Tommy: This, uh... it's marijuana.
Dick: This whole time we've been eating her slop, and you're a damn gourmet!
Tommy: No! No, it's pot. I swear. I- I smoke it with my friends. I- I love to toke up on the fat daddies... dude.

Dick: Okay. Now let's go over our return. You, young man. How could this family have lived for three years with no visible income?
Tommy: We collected cans.
Dick: How many cans?
Tommy: 123,450 cans.
Dick: And you didn't report that income?
Tommy: The income was $6,217, which falls well below federal limits for filing.
Dick: Your numbers don't add up!
Tommy: We turned in 33% of those cans in Michigan where it's 5 cents a can, sir!
Dick: Oh, yeah? In Michigan, eh?
Harry: Where I was in a coma! Sir!

Mrs. Runquist: Eames! You've been my butler for twenty years, you never remember to keep my wine glass full.
Tommy: You see how she bosses that guy around?
Sally: Yeah, and he's the best dressed guy here.
Tommy: What a wuss.
Sally: Mmm. Pathetic. Hey, Eames! More water, now!
Tommy: [British accent] And uh, could you clear this dirty plate, Eames?
Eames: Very well, sir.
Tommy: [scoffs] [mocks British accent] Very well, sir.

Dick: Tommy. Tommy, did you see this?
Tommy: We lost everything, Dick.
Dick: But why? How did it happen, Tommy? What made the stock go down?
Tommy: Well, that's the funny thing. It was just a little rumor, see?
Dick: A rumor?
Tommy: They reported it on CNN. Said the company had a little problem with overspending. Overspending.
Dick: But a rumor can't do that much harm, can it?
Tommy: Oh, a rumor? No. It can just turn a sweet girl into a whore and a rich man into a pauper!

Sally: I got to tell you I finally understand what you see in Alissa. She's fun, she's got great taste and a super-cute body.
Tommy: You- You saw her body?
Sally: Oh, yeah. We were naked in the dressing room.
Tommy: Naked?! I- I spent a year of my life trying unsuccessfully to see her naked, and then it just falls into your lap?
Sally: Relax!
Tommy: I will not!