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‘Selfish Dick’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

3rd Rock from the Sun: Selfish Dick

119. Selfish Dick

Aired May 14, 1996

Dick schemes to get Mary back after she moves into her own office. Meanwhile, Sally is taken to the hospital after fainting at the sight of blood.

Quote from Dick

Tommy: What is it?
Dick: It's something to warm up my side of the office. Dr. Albright has her collection of tribal death masks, and now I have these. Look at this one. It says, "plan ahead," but the person who made it forgot to. [all laugh]
Harry: Take that, Mr. Advice Giver. Pow!
Tommy: "You don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps." [all laugh]
Dick: It sure does! I can't wait to show these to Dr. Albright and Nina. You know, over time, I've come to think of them less as my coworkers and more like a family. I'm the all-knowing father, Mary's the wife, and Nina is our adopted love child. Well, I better be going. The forecast for today is laughter. [all laugh]

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Quote from Judith

Judith: Dr. Solomon, I'm Judith. I'm going to be sharing this office with you.
Dick: Judith.
Judith: This is my assistant. My brother, Roger.
Dick: Roger.
Roger: Please don't shake my hand. I've just washed it.
Judith: Two rules. When I do not wish to be disturbed, I will place my nameplate face down on my desk. And in the morning, whoever arrives first will flip on the ionizer.
Dick: You know, the woman who was previously in this office had no trouble with the level of ionization.
Judith: Believe me, you will like me. Most people do.

Quote from Judith

Judith: Roger says you must never leave these on his desk again.
Dick: Hmm. Whatever.
Judith: "One of these days I am going to get organizized." [laughs] That's marvelous!
Dick: It's moronic! Now be quiet.

Quote from Dick

Nina: "One of these days I am going to get organizized." Funny.
Dick: Oh, I knew you'd love it. Whoever wrote this is a raving genius.

Quote from Harry

Sally: I'm really going to miss this place.
Harry: Yeah, but you got some lovely prizes.
Sally: I know. A sipper cup, a pair of circulation socks and a kidney-shaped salad bowl.
Harry: Sweet!
Sally: I could just hang out here all day.
Harry: I know, it's like Disneyland with a slightly higher fatality rate.

Quote from Tommy

Tommy: [wearing a doctor's coat] Hey, look what I got.
Sally: Wow!
Tommy: It was just hanging over there behind a door.
Harry: Whoa! Well, are there any left?
Tommy: Yeah, and the best part is, you can go anywhere you want to, people treat you like a God, and you get 10% off everything at the gift shop.

Quote from Harry

Harry: Looks like a burst appendix. Don't let the saline count fool you. I know this man is a diabetic.
Doctor: No, he isn't.
Harry: You're suspended.

Quote from Harry

Harry: Looks like a burst appendix. Don't let the saline count fool you. I know this man is a diabetic.
Doctor: This is a uterus.
Harry: You're suspended.

Quote from Dick

[Dick sobs as he reads Love Story]
Sally: What is your problem?
Dick: I'm sorry. I just can't believe what passed for literature in the '70s.

Quote from Mary

Dick: Oh, I see. You're leaving me. I guess it was a mistake to get so close.
Mary: Oh. Well, we'll still see each other.
Dick: Oh, please, don't patronize me. Just go.
Mary: Dick, I've never had my own office. I've waited twelve years for this. And I need the extra space for my artifacts.
Dick: Oh, to hell with your tchotchkes! I want you to stay here!
Mary: Well, sometimes you can't get what you want.
Dick: You're getting what you want.
Mary: Sometimes you can.

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