302. Fun with Dick and Janet: Part 2
Aired September 24, 1997
Mary finds out that Dick spent the night with another woman, Janet (Roseanne Barr). Meanwhile, Officer Don investigates the crop circle where the Solomons landed.
Quote from Tommy
Tommy: Hey, Don, uh, I gotta tell you something.
Don: Can it wait, Tommy? I got a date with the FBI.
Tommy: Well, then, no. No, it can't. You see, uh, this is pretty funny. [chuckles] I actually think you're gonna laugh. It turns out that it was me who destroyed Old Man Sweeney's field all along.
Don: What? What the hell are you talking about?
Tommy: Well, it's no big deal. I was just trying to have a little fun, and so it went too far, you know?
Don: Oh? Is that so? Well, how do you explain the crop circle and the burn marks?
Tommy: Well, I... I was running laps with a flaming 2x4 dragging behind me. You see, I'm a teenager. I don't know any better. See ya.
Don: Not so fast, junior! There's one thing you can't explain. What's this?
Tommy: That? Well- Well, this is a- it's- it's a- it's a sling-a-rang. It's a toy. You know, you you throw it... [clunk] And- And it just lands there on the floor, you know? I'm sure you've seen the commercials for it on TV. You know, the little jingle. [sings] Sling-a-rang Sling-a-rang Pick it up And fling that thang.
Quote from Don
Sally: What did they do to you?
Tommy: It was pretty scary. As a juvenile, I could've spent 200 hours cleaning up other people's trash on the highway.
Don: But I wanted to teach him a lesson, so I charged him as an adult.
Sally: What does that mean?
Tommy: I got a $40 fine.
Sally: Where'd you get $40?
Don: I paid it. Damn the system!
Sally: Thanks, Don. I owe you big.
Quote from Mary
Dick: So I guess there's no way you would ever marry me.
Mary: Dick, right now there's no way I'd even carpool with you.
Dick: Well... what if your car breaks down?
Mary: I'd rent.
Dick: What if there are no cars available?
Mary: I'd walk.
Dick: What? In the worst snowstorm in 50 years?
Mary: I'd take a bus.
Dick: You would never take a bus!
Mary: You're right. Then I'd carpool with you.
Dick: [closes door] Yes!
Quote from Sally
Harry: Mmm! What is this?
Sally: An omelet.
Harry: Well, I thought an omelet was runny eggs filled with big chunks of unmelted cheese food.
Sally: Yeah, well, live and learn.
Quote from Dick
Sally: What are you gonna miss most about Janet, Dick?
Dick: Oh, I'm gonna miss the amazingly nutty complications she added to my life. Nothing, you idiot!
Sally: You know, Dick, we're all real sorry about Mary. Kind of.
Dick: Oh, I'm not worried. When we first came here, Mary hated me, and I won her over. I can do it again.
Sally: You really think so?
Dick: Of course. She won't be able to stay away for long, not with an album full of naked pictures of me.
Sally: She has naked pictures of you?!
Dick: Not yet. Harry, get the camera.
Quote from Dick
Dick: Stella! Stella! Janet!
Janet: You didn't eat your mini pizza.
Dick: Argh! You call that a pizza? I wouldn't feed that to a dog! A dog wouldn't feed it to a dog! Not even a dog he hated!
Janet: Ok, then.
Dick: Damn right you're sorry! Sorry as hell. You're- Now bring me another beer. Because I drink! And I drink a lot. I'm a booze hound, I am. And what's worse, when I drink, I get a head of steam. I get all punchy, and I like to lash out.
Janet: Oh, you're not so bad.
Dick: Ah, god! Why can't you dress nice? Look at you! You look like someone who... who... isn't dressed all that nice.
Janet: Well, I could change for you.
Dick: And look at that apron. [crying] I like that apron. [sobbing] It's pretty. With all the hearts and... And the words and... and the hearts [wailing]
Janet: Oh, that's okay, baby. You can wear the apron.
Dick: Oh, god, I'm sorry! [sobbing] You're a nice person, and it's not your fault that the Big Giant Fathead made you come here and live with people you don't even know! [sobbing]
Janet: I've always depended on the kindness of strangers. [Dick sobs] Mama make it all better!
Dick: I'm all messed up inside, mama.
Quote from Harry
Tommy: "Speaking off the record, Officer Don Orville told the Bugle, 'I believe aliens are among us and it's up to me to nab 'em.'"
Sally: Wow. Don, front page.
Don: And it's all because my eyes were opened to a world I never knew existed. Thanks, Harry.
Sally: [sighs] You can't listen to him. It doesn't exist.
Don: Oh, yes it does. Look what I found in the wheat field. [all gasp]
Harry: It's the fusion chamber!
Don: The what?
Harry: The fusion chamber... [Sally slaps Harry]... lain. The Fusion Chamberlain Show. With your host, Fusion Chamberlain! Whoo, whoo.
Don: I've never seen it.
Quote from Sally
Tommy: FBI? What are we gonna do?
Sally: Don't panic. I have the solution. You're gonna go down to the police station and take the fall. Tell them it was a prank.
Tommy: Why me?
Sally: Well, you're a minor. They'll go easy on you. Besides, we all have to make some sacrifices around here.
Tommy: Okay. What sacrifice are you making?
Sally: The shame of having a juvenile delinquent for a nephew, okay?
Harry: I'm not angry, Tommy. I'm just disappointed.
Quote from Dick
Dick: She's lying.
Dick: Mary, you can't listen to a thing she says because it's... it's... it's Opposite Wednesday!
Mary: Opposite Wednesday?
Dick: Yes! Everything she tells you, you're supposed to think the opposite. All the secretaries are doing it.
Mary: Is this true?
Dick: See? [laughs] Love is war, peace is hate. If she says she's happy, she's actually sad. If she says I was with another woman last night, it's because I actually wasn't!
Quote from Nina
Mary: You were with another woman?
Dick: She's just saying that.
Nina: Save your breath. I already told her.
Dick: Oh, Mary, it's true. I was with a woman last night.
Nina: Hah! I didn't really tell her.
Nina: It's Opposite Wednesday.
Dick: Gr- Oh, Nina! You're an evil genius!