Tommy: Hey, Don, uh, I gotta tell you something.
Don: Can it wait, Tommy? I got a date with the FBI.
Tommy: Well, then, no. No, it can't. You see, uh, this is pretty funny. [chuckles] I actually think you're gonna laugh. It turns out that it was me who destroyed Old Man Sweeney's field all along.
Don: What? What the hell are you talking about?
Tommy: Well, it's no big deal. I was just trying to have a little fun, and so it went too far, you know?
Don: Oh? Is that so? Well, how do you explain the crop circle and the burn marks?
Tommy: Well, I... I was running laps with a flaming 2x4 dragging behind me. You see, I'm a teenager. I don't know any better. See ya.
Don: Not so fast, junior! There's one thing you can't explain. What's this?
Tommy: That? Well- Well, this is a- it's- it's a- it's a sling-a-rang. It's a toy. You know, you you throw it... [clunk] And- And it just lands there on the floor, you know? I'm sure you've seen the commercials for it on TV. You know, the little jingle. [sings] Sling-a-rang Sling-a-rang Pick it up And fling that thang.

Sally: What did they do to you?
Tommy: It was pretty scary. As a juvenile, I could've spent 200 hours cleaning up other people's trash on the highway.
Don: But I wanted to teach him a lesson, so I charged him as an adult.
Sally: What does that mean?
Tommy: I got a $40 fine.
Sally: Where'd you get $40?
Don: I paid it. Damn the system!
Sally: Thanks, Don. I owe you big.

Dick: So I guess there's no way you would ever marry me.
Mary: Dick, right now there's no way I'd even carpool with you.
Dick: Well... what if your car breaks down?
Mary: I'd rent.
Dick: What if there are no cars available?
Mary: I'd walk.
Dick: What? In the worst snowstorm in 50 years?
Mary: I'd take a bus.
Dick: You would never take a bus!
Mary: You're right. Then I'd carpool with you.
Dick: [closes door] Yes!

Harry: Mmm! What is this?
Sally: An omelet.
Harry: Well, I thought an omelet was runny eggs filled with big chunks of unmelted cheese food.
Sally: Yeah, well, live and learn.

Sally: What are you gonna miss most about Janet, Dick?
Dick: Oh, I'm gonna miss the amazingly nutty complications she added to my life. Nothing, you idiot!
Sally: You know, Dick, we're all real sorry about Mary. Kind of.
Dick: Oh, I'm not worried. When we first came here, Mary hated me, and I won her over. I can do it again.
Sally: You really think so?
Dick: Of course. She won't be able to stay away for long, not with an album full of naked pictures of me.
Sally: She has naked pictures of you?!
Dick: Not yet. Harry, get the camera.

Dick: Stella! Stella! Janet!
Janet: You didn't eat your mini pizza.
Dick: Argh! You call that a pizza? I wouldn't feed that to a dog! A dog wouldn't feed it to a dog! Not even a dog he hated!
Janet: Ok, then.
Dick: Damn right you're sorry! Sorry as hell. You're- Now bring me another beer. Because I drink! And I drink a lot. I'm a booze hound, I am. And what's worse, when I drink, I get a head of steam. I get all punchy, and I like to lash out.
Janet: Oh, you're not so bad.
Dick: Ah, god! Why can't you dress nice? Look at you! You look like someone who... who... isn't dressed all that nice.
Janet: Well, I could change for you.
Dick: And look at that apron. [crying] I like that apron. [sobbing] It's pretty. With all the hearts and... And the words and... and the hearts [wailing]
Janet: Oh, that's okay, baby. You can wear the apron.
Dick: Oh, god, I'm sorry! [sobbing] You're a nice person, and it's not your fault that the Big Giant Fathead made you come here and live with people you don't even know! [sobbing]
Janet: I've always depended on the kindness of strangers. [Dick sobs] Mama make it all better!
Dick: I'm all messed up inside, mama.

Tommy: "Speaking off the record, Officer Don Orville told the Bugle, 'I believe aliens are among us and it's up to me to nab 'em.'"
Sally: Wow. Don, front page.
Don: And it's all because my eyes were opened to a world I never knew existed. Thanks, Harry.
Sally: [sighs] You can't listen to him. It doesn't exist.
Don: Oh, yes it does. Look what I found in the wheat field. [all gasp]
Harry: It's the fusion chamber!
Don: The what?
Harry: The fusion chamber... [Sally slaps Harry]... lain. The Fusion Chamberlain Show. With your host, Fusion Chamberlain! Whoo, whoo.
Don: I've never seen it.

Tommy: FBI? What are we gonna do?
Sally: Don't panic. I have the solution. You're gonna go down to the police station and take the fall. Tell them it was a prank.
Tommy: Why me?
Sally: Well, you're a minor. They'll go easy on you. Besides, we all have to make some sacrifices around here.
Tommy: Okay. What sacrifice are you making?
Sally: The shame of having a juvenile delinquent for a nephew, okay?
Harry: I'm not angry, Tommy. I'm just disappointed.

Dick: She's lying.
Mary: What?
Dick: Mary, you can't listen to a thing she says because it's... it's... it's Opposite Wednesday!
Mary: Opposite Wednesday?
Dick: Yes! Everything she tells you, you're supposed to think the opposite. All the secretaries are doing it.
Mary: Is this true?
Nina: No.
Dick: See? [laughs] Love is war, peace is hate. If she says she's happy, she's actually sad. If she says I was with another woman last night, it's because I actually wasn't!

Mary: You were with another woman?
Dick: She's just saying that.
Nina: Save your breath. I already told her.
Dick: Oh, Mary, it's true. I was with a woman last night.
Nina: Hah! I didn't really tell her.
Dick: What?!
Nina: It's Opposite Wednesday.
Dick: Gr- Oh, Nina! You're an evil genius!