Sally: All right, gentlemen, prepare yourself for a fancy feast.
Dick: Fancy feast? Can we afford that?
Sally: Yes, we can. Because while I was shopping today, I found this aisle in the back that had these unbelievable savings. Tuna, liver, and even seafood blend for you finicky types.
Tommy: Wait a minute. You're feeding us cat?
Sally: It's not cat, Tommy, it's salmon. There's just a picture of a cat on the label. The best part is, next to the food they had these adorable little gifts. Look.
Dick: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I've never been happier in my life!
Sally: I was playing with it today, and it got stuck behind the refrigerator, and I went nuts trying to get it!

Dick: Hmm. I made the front page of the Daily Badgerian again.
Sally: What's it say? "Physics professor calls Einstein 'idiot', proclaims self much smarter."

Harry: No sofa? That's weird. Mmm. High Commander's log book. Well, this sounds interesting. January 9th. "We have successfully assumed human form and have tricked the earthlings into thinking that we are of their species." Oh, my God! They're aliens!

Dick: Well, I guess this has been kind of tough on all of us.
Tommy: Dick, why don't you just apologize and get your job back?
Dick: Apologize? Should the Venus De Milo apologize to the thug who broke its arms off? No! Should the sphinx apologize to the desert winds for eroding its nose? No! Should Jim Carrey apologize to America for The Cable Guy? Perhaps. No, I'm not gonna apologize. I can play their waiting game.
Sally: Yeah, well, if you want to play the eating game, you've got to do something.
Dick: Oh, I plan to. I'm gonna get myself a new job, a job worthy of me!
Sally: Oh, really? And where would that be?
Dick: In America, land of opportunity!

Sally: Harry, you're back! Oh, we were so worried about you!
Harry: Whoa! Are you my wife?
Sally: Yeah, right. [slaps Harry]
Tommy: Harry, we have been looking all over for you.
Sally: Geez, Harry, you're a mess.
Tommy: Where have you been?
Harry: Well, I'm not sure. My mind's a complete blank.
Tommy: So then you're fine.

Dick: Welcome to Rusty's. How may I serve you?
Man: How do you make your burgers?
Dick: Excellent question. First a clamp comes down onto the cow's head, forcing it onto a conveyor belt, where a prod is inserted into the cow's rectum, electrocuting it.
Man: Give me two.
Dick: Thank you. And remember, at Rusty's, E. coli is not on the menu.

Dick: I don't understand. The university should have offered it to me first. I'm the star of the faculty. I'm the one whose brain everyone wants to dissect for science.
Nina: Right, for science.
Dick: I deserve it!
Mary: I have tenure!
Dick: Oh, tenure! I suppose if someone sticks around a third-rate university long enough, they'd have to recognize her lack of drive somehow.
Mary: Dick, you're overreacting.
Dick: I'm not overreacting. Overreacting would be going straight to the president of the university and telling him exactly how I feel.
Mary: Where are you going?
Dick: Straight to the president of the university and telling him exactly how I feel!

[Dick places the computer monitor in his box]
Nina: Uh, that's university property.
Dick: Well, they should have thought of that before giving away my parking space.
Mary: Well, what are you gonna do now?
Dick: Oh, don't worry about me. I give Dewey about 10 minutes before he comes crawling back to me. Nina, can you help me with the water cooler?

Sally: Dick. Dick! You have been sitting there for 10 days. For the last time, the university's not gonna call.
Dick: Oh, they'll call. They'll call. And when they do, this phone is gonna really, really ring.
Sally: I just wonder whether it's worth getting all meshuga over a parking space.
Tommy: Dick, I hate to interrupt the creep-fest, but would you stop thinking of yourself for a minute and think of the mission?
Harry: Oh, my God, they're on a mission.
Dick: I am the mission! We came to this pitiful planet to experience the human condition, and from all that I can ascertain, the human condition requires nothing more than complete and utter solipsistic self-absorption! And you can include that in your next transmission to the you-know-who.
Harry: Uh, who?
Dick: The Big Giant Head! Haven't you been listening?
Harry: Oh, The Big Giant Head. [laughs]

Dougy: Solomon, you're supposed to ask him if he wants a fried apple pie with that.
Dick: But Dougy, I can't. I mean, just look at him. The Rusty burger alone is enough to give him a coronary. The fried pie will be the death blow!
Don: Look, I didn't go to hamburger college to take crap from you.
Dick: Hamburger college. They're not by chance looking for a physics professor, are they?
Don: It's a hamburger school!
Dick: Once again, I find myself at the mercy of someone I wouldn't let pick my nose. I'm the most qualified. I'm the smartest. I should be running Rusty's!
Don: That's it. You're off register. Report immediately to the drive-thru window.
Dick: Demoted? Dougy, no!