Dick: Hello, Mary.
Mary: Oh, Dick, you don't have to call me Dean.
Dick: Well, I didn't. I said, "Hello, Mary."
Mary: Oh, good. Because nothing's changed. I'm still Mary. It's just that I got a major promotion to a position of genuine authority, so if you'd wanted to call me Dean, I'd understand, but you don't have to.
Dick: I didn't.
Mary: Good.

Mary: What's going on? Dick is acting strangely.
Tommy: Listen, Dr. Albright. Dick, he's got a lot of baggage. It's an internal struggle.
[Dick and Evil Dick continue fighting in the living room]
Mary: Oh, that poor thing. I didn't know.
Tommy: No, you couldn't know, 'cause he's been afraid. See, he's been lonely for such a long time. And as the years went by, he fell into despair and lost all hope, for what woman could ever learn to love a beast?

Harry: New York City. My kind of town. It's the city by the bay. Gateway to the west. The Aloha State. Motown.

Sally: So that's how it's gonna be, huh? Well, as long as we're being honest with each other, I don't like how you leave the toilet seat down.
Nina: That's the way women use it.
Sally: [scoffs] Yeah, sure, Nina. That's the way women use it.

Dick: 44 across. "Men are from Mars, women are from..." Let's see, five letters starting with V. Ah! "Vegas."

Dick: You know, I feel sorry for you. I mean, this afternoon, I'm going shopping for drapes with Dr. Albright, and you'll be alone. And tomorrow I'm taking Dr. Albright to the recycling center, and you'll be alone.
Sally: The way I look at it, Dick, I'm embarking on an adventure. I mean, the dating world is like a huge food court for me, and I can take my little red tray anywhere I like.
Dick: I don't follow.
Sally: Well, you see, Dick, it's like, with you, you know you're going to have grilled cheese every day, day after day after day after day. But me, tonight I might go Italian. Tomorrow, Greek. Next week, who knows? Mexican, Chinese...
Harry: Hot dog on a stick.

Dick: Nina, Nina, read me in.
Nina: Curtain rises. A big pompous blowhard flounces onto the stage.