Mary: What's going on? Dick is acting strangely.
Tommy: Listen, Dr. Albright. Dick, he's got a lot of baggage. It's an internal struggle.
[Dick and Evil Dick continue fighting in the living room]
Mary: Oh, that poor thing. I didn't know.
Tommy: No, you couldn't know, 'cause he's been afraid. See, he's been lonely for such a long time. And as the years went by, he fell into despair and lost all hope, for what woman could ever learn to love a beast?

Dick: So what do we do now?
Mary: Well, it's been a long night, but why don't you just put your arm around me, and we'll look up at the stars?
Dick: The stars, yes. They look like lovers locked in a celestial embrace.
Mary: Why don't you just look at those trees?
Dick: The trees, they look like lovers, their limbs exploring and fondling each other.
Mary: How about we look at that couple in the window?
Dick: Wow! They're going at it like trees.

Evil Dick: Stay and witness my moment of glory as I impregnate the entire population of Ohio with my demon progeny.
Tommy: Wait, wait, wait. Even the men?
Evil Dick: Okay, not the men.
Sally: Not little girls?
Evil Dick: No, no, not them.
Tommy: Wait. What about elderly women?
Evil Dick: I don't think so.
Harry: What about women who are already pregnant?
Evil Dick: Oh, shut up, all of you!

Sally: Sir, you're right. I can't let you rot in this box. I've got to get you out of here. Come on, guys. Blood is thicker than water.
Tommy: It is?
Sally: I think.
Harry: Well, it's not as thick as peanut butter.
Sally: You know, it's a pretty thick substance.
Tommy: Chunky peanut butter? [overlapping chatter]
Dick: Get me out of here!

Tommy: You know, I'm sick of the new Dick. This Dick, he's one of us. I mean, so maybe he's not perfect, maybe his leadership skills verge on the pathetic, and maybe his incompetence has made our mission the laughingstock of-
Dick: I think you've made your point.
Tommy: No, I haven't made my point. The point is that he's always been there for the three of us, and it's time the three of us take a stand for him.

Sally: Oh, sure, sure. That's easy for you to say. You don't have the responsibility I do. If we let him out of that box and the Big Giant Head gets wind of it, who do you think's going to take the fall, huh? The information officer? The transmitter? I don't think so. It's going to be me, the woman. Typical.

Dick: Sally! Think of all we've been through together. When Brad dumped you, who ordered you to drink yourself silly until you had completely drowned your feelings for him?
Sally: You did.
Dick: And when I ran over your foot with the car, who drove you to the hospital the very next day?
Sally: You did.
Dick: And when you were hungry that day in the park, who stole that little girl's ice cream cone for you?
Sally: Tommy did that.
Dick: It was my idea.
Tommy: It was.
Harry: True.

Evil Dick: The lighting is romantic. The champagne chilled. And now for some erotic literature. "Make sure the 2x4 studs are cleated to the floor plates before applying the wallboard." Perfect.

Dick: Freedom! Oh! There's so much I've missed. Fresh air, the smell of bacon frying, watching talk shows with Harry. I didn't miss Jerry Springer's biker chick makeover, did I?
Harry: It was Tuesday.
Dick: Oh, damn!

Dick: Sally, why are you wearing that skirt? It makes you look frumpy.
Sally: [gasps] I knew it! That Dick upstairs said this look worked for me. You know, I hate him.
Tommy: Yeah, he crashed the rambler.
Harry: He changed my name to Tommy.
Dick: Where does that leave you?
Tommy: Uh, he calls me Tommy, too.
Dick: Is that Tommy and the number, 2--?
Tommy: Oh, I don't know. The guy's a major head case.
Dick: I've heard enough. No one dictates humiliating and irrational edicts to my family. That's my job.