Sally: So that's how it's gonna be, huh? Well, as long as we're being honest with each other, I don't like how you leave the toilet seat down.
Nina: That's the way women use it.
Sally: [scoffs] Yeah, sure, Nina. That's the way women use it.

George Albright: Dick, I want to thank you for bringing everything out in the open. I feel like a tremendous weight's been lifted from this family. I want to tell you two something. There's nothing more exhilarating than honesty.
Dick: Oh! Oh, so honesty's your game, is it? Yeah, I'll give you honesty. Your precious little Mary Margaret ragamuffin magpie has been lying to you! She didn't even want to come here because she didn't want to tell you that... our engagement is off! We're through! But that's okay, because I don't want to marry her anyway. I don't want to marry anyone. Not after meeting you. If this marriage was a horse, you'd shoot it! [Mary sobs]
George Albright: Dick, we forgive you.
Dick: Forgive me?
Martha Albright: Would you like some cocoa?
Dick: I don't want any cocoa. I don't want anything. I just want to climb into a spaceship and fly to a far-off galaxy, millions of light-years away from this twisted and sadistic human freak show! [exits]
George & Martha: He's the one.

Sally: Nina, this place is so great. I mean, it's so nice and clean.
Nina: Well, it's easy to keep things neat when you live alone.
Sally: The smell, it smells like... [inhales deeply] Like a mall or or the bakery or... My house smells like feet or cheese or rotten food-
Nina: I- I- I get it. Sally, I get it.

Nina: God, I'm gonna miss this place.
Sally: Yeah. Why are you moving, big-ass rats?
Nina: No. They raised the rent.
Sally: Oh. That's too bad. It's so big and bright. My room only has one window, and it looks out on the slaughterhouse, and sometimes a brown mist floats in and makes my hair all greasy.

Nina: Ooh, this is going to be so much fun.
Sally: I know. So what do you want to do tonight?
Nina: Uh, I don't know. Um, make stir-fry and rent a chick flick?
Sally: Yeah, like Full Metal Jacket.
Nina: Or Boys on the Side.
Sally: Right, right. Boys on the Side. Or Full Metal Jacket!

Mary: Telling my parents my engagement is off is not my idea of fun.
Dick: What, you haven't told them yet?
Mary: Are you kidding? For years, they predicted I'd become an old spinster who sits alone every night drinking wine and talking to her cat.
Nina: [enters] Dr. Albright. Dr. Albright, they were out of that zinfandel you like, but I did pick up your dog food.
Mary: I have one dog!

Nina: Tomorrow? You can't go away. You promised you'd help me move out of my apartment.
Dick: Oh, I'm so sorry, Nina.
Nina: Oh, thanks a lot. Now I see who's important around here.
Dick: Uh, yes, that would be me.
Nina: Okay. Fine. But the next time you can't separate the cheese slices in your Lunchables, don't come running to me.
Dick: What have I done?!

Dick: Oh, no, no. I've got a much more important assignment for you.
Tommy: Cleaning up our parks and streams?
Dick: No. Nina's moving, and I volunteered you to help her.
Harry: What?
Sally: You mean we have to lug heavy boxes all weekend?
Dick: Yes.
Tommy: Well, do we get to go through her stuff?
Dick: How could you not?

Dick: They're very nice.
Mary: No, they're not. They're sour, miserable people who don't like anybody.
Dick: Oh, I should have brought flowers. Do they like flowers? I can get flowers.
Mary: Oh, stop worrying. This time tomorrow, we'll be on our way home, and you'll never see them again.
Dick: I wouldn't bet on it.
Mary: What's that supposed to mean?
George Albright: I don't know about you, Dick, but when I eat ham, I gotta have a beer.
Dick: Oh, and when I drink beer, I gotta have ham. Ham and beer. That's us, George. [chuckles]

Martha Albright: Well, Mary your daddy and I are just tickled pink that Dick is the one.
Mary: The one what?
Martha Albright: Oh, Mary Margaret, you know very well the one what. Mr. Right. The man you're going to marry.
Mary: Oh. Yeah. That's the plan.
Martha Albright: I'm just ecstatic. I don't know why you're not a little more excited.
Mary: Oh, I am, mother. Sometimes I get so giddy I can hardly contain myself. [Martha goes into the kitchen] But you know, you can only scream so long before you black out!