Tommy: You know what the Aztecs' problem was? They were at the wrong apex of the technological world arc.
Mary: I've never heard of that.
Tommy: Oh, it's my own theory. You see, technology begins in China in 5,000 B.C., with, um, literature and architecture and pasta and alcoholic beverages and fireworks.
Mary: Oh. Would you like an Oreo?
Tommy: Oh, thank you.
Mary: Oh, please continue. This is fascinating.
Tommy: So over the centuries the techno-arc moves through the Middle East, Egypt, Greece, Rome, Florence, Europe, the Americas, until it gets back to the Pacific Rim, but it always travels west.
Mary: So you're saying, the earth's rotation affects civilization.
Tommy: Exactly! And every dominant society is in sync with the arc.
Mary: And the Aztecs are-
Tommy: They're off the arc by 2,000 years, and that is why their advancements are never recognized.

Sally: Hey, guys! Good news!
Dick: What is it, Lieutenant?
Sally: I got a job. A real job. Look.
Dick: "Sally Solomon, Stern and Bower, Inc."
Sally: It's my I.D. I have a parking pass, medical, dental, pension, profit sharing. I'm thinking of retiring in Mexico.
Tommy: Well, your dollar goes further there.

Dick: Well, what about dinner?
Sally: It's so much harder than I thought. I actually have to learn how to respect my coworkers if I'm going to keep this job.
Tommy: "No offense but you're offending me." What's this?
Sally: Oh, it's a pamphlet about understanding and tolerance and all that crap. Anyway, I read it, and as hard as this is to believe, sometimes I think I make people feel uncomfortable.
Tommy: Oh, get out.

Dick: Harry, what are you doing?
Harry: Thinking. Learning. Observing the world outside the TV. And you know what I've observed? You. And you know what? You're not very good at your job.
Dick: I beg your pardon!
Harry: Let's review. What have you accomplished since we got here? Well, you got a rathole apartment, a used car, and you got lucky a few times.
Dick: 17!
Harry: 17. Well, the Big Giant Head's got to have a merit badge for that.
Sally: Got you there, Dick.
Harry: And you! You call yourself a security officer. Look at you! Since we got here, we've been robbed, mugged, threatened, and now some mental midget is making you feel all uncomfortable in the workplace. And all you can do about it is yak, yak, yak! [to Dick] You want your woman back, you go get her! Your boss is a moron, put your foot in his butt! We're an interstellar squad of superior beings, for God's sakes! Now quit your bitchin' and get out of the kitchen!

Harry: [inner monologue] [sings to the Jeopardy! theme] Thinking, thinking Thinking hard I know what the answer is, I got it No, that can't be, I'm so wrong I guessed Mao, but it's B.D. Wong

Mrs. Dubcek: [inner monologue] [sings to the Jeopardy! theme] Thinking, thinking Thinking hard What's the use? I've burned too many brain cells Maybe I'll just fantasize Look at Alex and close my eyes

Dick: Why do you insist on hanging out with teenagers?
Tommy: It's not my fault. I don't have any choice. This was the body you assigned me. It's pathetic. I'm older than any of you, but if I want to see an R-rated movie, I have to go with Mrs. Dubcek. Just once, just once I'd like to meet a woman closer to my age. You know, someone like... Angie Dickinson.

Dick: Who is Mary seeing?
Mary: Why don't you ask Tommy. He's at Mary's right now.
Dick: What, Tommy's at Mary's? That duplicitous old fart!
Sally: Ahem.
Dick: Which is our nickname for him.

Harry: Come on. Big money. Big money!
Dick: Harry, where were you? You were supposed to pick me up from work.
Harry: Yes, I was. Free spin! Free spin!
Dick: I had to walk. I'm soaking wet! Look at me!
Harry: Dick, would you like to buy a vowel?

Harry: Wait! The TV is off.
Dick: Yeah, I turned it off.
Harry: Well, but now it's off.
Dick: We have a mission. We didn't come to this planet to watch television.
Harry: Yeah, but it's given us a reason to stay.
Dick: I'm ordering you to go without television for a week! Now, that's final!
Harry: A week, no TV? What'll I do?
Dick: Why don't you try using your brain for a change?
Harry: Well, what good could come from it?