Sally: You know, cars must have some huge power we haven't discovered yet. Look at this. The lines, the waiting, the testing.
Harry: Yeah. Can you imagine what you must have to go through to get a gun?

Dick: Pseudofamily.
Tommy: Where have you been?
Dick: I have been in Frank Muller's garage. We bragged, we laughed, we tinkered. He let me touch his stuff. It feels good to be around Frank. It fills an empty space I've been feeling right here. I think it's because we're friends.
Harry: [sings] So no one told you it was gonna be this way. [all clap]

Tommy: This rules. I'm still a minority. You know, chicks dig minorities.
Dick: Oh! Who knew that Solomon was a Jewish name when we took it off the side of that truck?
Harry: Go figure. We could have been the Wal-marts.
Dick: We're Jewish. [sobs] I don't know what to say.
Harry: Mazel tov! I'm sorry, it just popped out.

Dick: Your company is obviously run by amateurs. This is totally unsatisfactory.
Harry: Well, allow me to show you a few schematics that I drew up. Okay. Now, the giant swinging blade would fall from here. Steel spikes plunge into the burglar's eyes here. And the conveyor belt drops the carcass into the tank of great white sharks here, here and here. It'll work.
Dick: Now, that's a plan.

Dick: Okay, where's my shoes?
Harry: Well, I think I saw one of them... [voice quavers] right over there.
Dick: Oh, my god, it's Harry. His cranial microreceiver, it's activated.
Harry: Transmission incoming from the Big Giant Head. Thank you for calling the Big Giant Head. He cares about you. Your status report was received. Please wait for comments.
Dick: Oh, no, no, no.
Sally: Please, please, no comments.
Harry: There are no comments. Resume normal functions in three, two, one. [sneezes]

Harry: You know, if you play "Wichita Lineman" backwards, you get our national anthem.

Sally: Dennis!
Dennis Rodman: Tom, Sally, Harry. What are you guys doing here?
Tommy: We just had to pick up some duct tape here.
Dennis Rodman: No, I mean on earth.
Sally: Oh. Well, we're doing that thing where we're supposed to be a human family.
Dennis Rodman: I dodged that assignment.
Tommy: Yeah, we've seen you on TV, man. 18 rebounds a game. Don't people suspect anything?
Sally: Look at you. The hair, the tattoos. Like you could be human.
Harry: Yeah.
Dennis Rodman: They think I'm weird or something.
Harry: I hear that.

Sally: Look at this place. Our first hotel room.
Tommy: Wow! Why do I suddenly have the urge to trash it?
Harry: Hey, you guys, look at this tiny bottle I found in the bathroom. Evidence of a superior race of tiny people.
Tommy: How can you tell they're superior?
Harry: Because it's a shampoo and conditioner in one.
Sally: [gasps] A tiny fridge filled with tiny bottles of alcohol and tiny bags of macadamia nuts!
Tommy: Wow! These people might be tiny, but they know how to party.
Harry: How do they get up on the bed, especially when they're all drunk and fat on nuts?

George Takei: Live long and prosper. Hailing frequencies open, everybody. I'm George Takei. Seeing all of you here makes me feel like a kid again, almost as if, as Mr. Sulu once said, my chronometer's running backwards.
Harry: Ha! You people are living a lie. Look at yourselves, embracing negative alien stereotypes. Did you ever stop to think that maybe aliens are friendly, kind, attractive people?
George Takei: Uh, security?
Harry: Hath not an alien eyes or buttocks? If you prick an alien, does it not say "Ow, ow, ow"? We should not embrace science fiction. Screw sci-fi. Instead, we should embrace science fact-- sci-fa.
Tommy: Um, Harry, let's go now.
Harry: Long live sci-fa.

Harry: Hi, my name is Harry Solomon. My turn-ons are sunshine, beach houses, and baking bread with my blouse off.
Alan: I wasn't rolling.
Harry: Oh, I'm sorry.
Alan: All right, Harry, this is all about just being yourself. I want you to just relax, act natural, and have fun, okay? All right, here we go.
Harry: Okay. I was brought up on the backstreets Learned to love before I could eat Educated, ow-Ww! At Woodstock I'm a soul man!