Dick: Do you notice how this James Brown is always getting somewhere? He's getting up, getting down, getting back.
Sally: You know, we should contact him. I mean, as part of our mission to study life on this planet.
Dick: Yes, but according to this, he's more of a machine. A sex machine.

Sally: You know, cars must have some huge power we haven't discovered yet. Look at this. The lines, the waiting, the testing.
Harry: Yeah. Can you imagine what you must have to go through to get a gun?

Dick: On the subject of universal truth, Albert Einstein once said... [speaks German] Any thoughts on that? Anyone? Yes, Caryn.
Caryn: Dr. Solomon, I think you were speaking German.
Dick: Yes, German. Einstein spoke German. [sighs] Okay, I'll simplify. "Scientific proof is nothing more than conditional truth." We all understand what truth is, don't we? Now, I have three of Einstein's equations on the board. Two of them are false, and one is true. Who can spot the true one? Anyone? How many of you think it's number one? [all hands go up] I'll give you a hunt, it's not number one. Here's another hint, it's not number two. How many of you think it's number three? [all hands go up] Well, you're wrong. I lied. I made them all up! You see, lying accomplishes nothing. You can't trust someone who lies. Oh, you work with them. You think you know them. They ask you to substitute. You make a fool of yourself. They get mad. And your sister can't even get a driver's license.
Pitman: Dr. Solomon, is this going to be on the final?
Dick: The point I'm making is, you have to tell the absolute truth, or else you just end up confusing people.
Caryn: But, Dr. Solomon, sometimes you just can't tell the truth.
Dick: But why not?

Dick: Tommy, are you all right? Where have you been?
Tommy: The mall, Dick. I was at the mall. It may be the most emotionally satisfying place I've ever been.
Dick: Were you able to observe other life-forms?
Tommy: Definitely. Everybody there was as oily and disgusting as me. It was a food court of mutants, a catalog of horrors, a freak show, and I was their lizard king.
Dick: Oh. What do you do when you're there?
Tommy: Hang.
Dick: What do you see?
Tommy: Stuff. I belong now. Oh, yeah, stay out of my room! [laughs]

Sally: I just want to say that I not only accomplished my goal, but I've discovered a softer place within myself, and it is all because of you and your extraordinary ability to command.
Dick: Thank you, Lieutenant.
Sally: You have so many facets to admire, time prohibits my naming them all. Shall I speak of your courage, how you've led a ragtag crew of misfits across the galaxies, fueled by your brave spirit? Or shall I confess that your boyish good looks are stunted only by your personal bigness? Oh, where to begin simply exhausts my feminine mind.
Dick: What are you doing?
Sally: Lying. You like it?
Dick: It's incredible. I love it!

Dick: Being human is far more complex than I thought. There is no absolute personal truth here, and these bodies don't come with an owner's manual. So every day these people have to make up life, and truth becomes highly individual.
Sally: Oh, my god, Dick, what if this lying thing falls into the hands of the politicians?
Harry: Ooh, that's a horrifying thought.

Nina: Here's the mail.
Dick: Oh, it's a letter for Dr. Albright. She'll hold this in her delicate hand, insert a finger and rip through the mucilage. Ah, she's just wonderful.
Nina: I knew you had a thing for her.
Dick: Yes, but I understand I'm not allowed to show it to her without her permission.

DMV Worker: Next!
Sally: What is it they don't get? That woman says "next." The first person goes to the window. The second person moves to the orange line, becoming first. The third person becomes second, and the rest of us pull up the slack! [gasps] There are just too many gaps in this line. We should each only be a single person-thickness apart.
Harry: Good point. I think everyone should hear it.
Sally: You think so? Okay, people, listen up and nobody gets hurt! [everyone screams and ducks]

Harry: Oh, look! It's the campus police.
Police Officer: Is there some kind of problem?
Dick: Ooh, actually, yes. [all point to the night sky] There's a star missing right there.
Sally: And we think we know who did it.
Police Officer: This is your family?
Dick: Why, yes. That's exactly what we were going for. Sally's the woman. I'm the tall, dashing man. Tommy is the adolescent. And Harry is, uh, the funny-looking one.

Police Officer: I'm gonna have to see your driver's license, please.
Tommy: Why? We're not driving. We're parked.
Police Officer: Yeah, but you're parked on university property.
Dick: I am university property. Here's my photo I.D. It's just my head, but I assure you the rest of me is anatomically correct.