Sally: Look at this place. Our first hotel room.
Tommy: Wow! Why do I suddenly have the urge to trash it?
Harry: Hey, you guys, look at this tiny bottle I found in the bathroom. Evidence of a superior race of tiny people.
Tommy: How can you tell they're superior?
Harry: Because it's a shampoo and conditioner in one.
Sally: [gasps] A tiny fridge filled with tiny bottles of alcohol and tiny bags of macadamia nuts!
Tommy: Wow! These people might be tiny, but they know how to party.
Harry: How do they get up on the bed, especially when they're all drunk and fat on nuts?

George Takei: Live long and prosper. Hailing frequencies open, everybody. I'm George Takei. Seeing all of you here makes me feel like a kid again, almost as if, as Mr. Sulu once said, my chronometer's running backwards.
Harry: Ha! You people are living a lie. Look at yourselves, embracing negative alien stereotypes. Did you ever stop to think that maybe aliens are friendly, kind, attractive people?
George Takei: Uh, security?
Harry: Hath not an alien eyes or buttocks? If you prick an alien, does it not say "Ow, ow, ow"? We should not embrace science fiction. Screw sci-fi. Instead, we should embrace science fact-- sci-fa.
Tommy: Um, Harry, let's go now.
Harry: Long live sci-fa.

Dick: [to the mirror] How can you look at yourself? Deceiving the person you love for the sake of a mission. Look at you. You're gorgeous!

Mary: Stand back, Earth man, and prepare to be demolecularized in ways you've never imagined.
Dick: Mary?
Mary: I'm not Mary. I am Uma from the planet Thurman. Remove your earth pants. Any resistance will be futile, human.
Dick: Human. But I'm not human. I've been deceiving you. I'm an alien from a planet in the barred spiral galaxy on the Cepheus Draco border. I was sent here by our leader, the Big Giant Head, to explore this planet. Dick Solomon is just a facade, hiding a quivering purple tube. I am the High Commander, and this is my salute.
Mary: Oh, really? I have seen your planet. It is a savage place and must be conquered.
Dick: Oh, Mary.
[Dick and Mary groan as they hug and crush Mary's cone bra]

Dick: [on the phone] Hello. Rutherford Bugle? I'd like to speak to your film critic, please. Oh. Well, then, will you tell him that I just saw Dawn of the Aliens, and it was not "wham-bam"? It was not a "slam dunk". I was never on the edge of my seat. And the special effects did not make my eyes pop out. [hangs up] [points to coffee] There's no cream in here!
Nina: Well, you don't have to bite my head off.
Dick: Nina, we don't do that.
Mary: [enters] Hello, Dick.
Dick: Oh, Mary. [hugs Mary] You notice how I'm being gentle and not squeezing your body until your spleen shoots out of your mouth?
Mary: Yes, I noticed that. Thank you.

Mary: My parents just made it worse. They had this notion that I was going to be an Olympic figure skater. They forced me into a leotard. I looked like a sausage in purple velour casing. And when I skated, they called me the Zamboni. Then one day I... I cracked.
Dick: The ice?
Mary: Mentally! I cracked mentally.
Dick: Mentally, mentally.
Mary: My parents sent me to a special place. Camp Knock-a-lot-of-weight-off.

[Mary smiles as she sees two people dressed as Coneheads]
Mary: It is fascinating, though, isn't it?
Dick: What?
Mary: How these people fulfill their lives through fantasy. It's like those guys that spend all of their time reading those fake letters in Penthouse.
Dick: They're fake?
Mary: Can you imagine what these people would do if they met an actual alien? They would completely freak out.
Dick: I don't know. In a way, aren't we all aliens? I mean, we emerge from weightless environments, seeing everything for the first time with curious new eyes, every emotion brand-new, always discovering, always learning.
Mary: Yeah, you keep overthinking life. I'm going to get a couple of space churros.

Harry: Attention, ticket holders! Listen up. At the end of the movie, when the president turns out to be an alien, and he barbecues all the congressmen, don't believe it because aliens hate barbecue.

Dick: Did you hear that guy? He hasn't seen the movie, and he already wants to kill us.
Sally: We are in trouble here.
Dick: We've got to lay low until this mania passes over.
Tommy: Maybe build a bunker.
Harry: No! We can't hide. I say we come out of the bunker and into the street. I say we hold an Alien Pride Parade. We'll all get together, and we'll prove that we're all... [Sally slaps the back of Harry's head] humans.

Mary: Speaking of spleens, did you see Dawn of the Aliens?
Nina: Wasn't that movie great?
Dick: It was two hours and four minutes of horrible, horrible lies.
Mary: I liked it.
Nina: Me, too. I was on the edge of my seat.
Dick: They portray aliens as hideous, evil mutants. Why can't they be sweet and well-mannered?
Nina: Well, I don't pay seven bucks to see an alien play with a puppy. At that price he better eat it.