Evil Dick: And that's not all. Lieutenant?
Sally: Sir!
Evil Dick: From now on, you will wear skirts.
Sally: Skirts?
Evil Dick: Something long that looks pretty when you twirl. And stay away from pleats. You know, nothing too fussy.
Sally: Okay.
Evil Dick: Furthermore, when coupons arrive in the mail, I get first dibs. I may open a box of cereal to get the prize, but I do not then have to eat... the cereal. The bathroom has been stocked with two kinds of toilet paper. I, and I alone... get the quilted kind. You will go to a barber. I will go to a stylist.
Tommy: But wait, wait, wait. We have so much more hair than you do.
Evil Dick: You will never mention that again! Have I made myself clear, Tommy?
All: Yes.

Sally: Dennis!
Dennis Rodman: Tom, Sally, Harry. What are you guys doing here?
Tommy: We just had to pick up some duct tape here.
Dennis Rodman: No, I mean on earth.
Sally: Oh. Well, we're doing that thing where we're supposed to be a human family.
Dennis Rodman: I dodged that assignment.
Tommy: Yeah, we've seen you on TV, man. 18 rebounds a game. Don't people suspect anything?
Sally: Look at you. The hair, the tattoos. Like you could be human.
Harry: Yeah.
Dennis Rodman: They think I'm weird or something.
Harry: I hear that.

Sally: Listen, Dennis, I gotta ask you. Madonna, where is she from?
Dennis Rodman: Detroit.
Harry: Detroit, Earth?
Tommy: Get out.
Sally: No.
Dennis Rodman: Yeah, she's here. She's here.
Tommy: Oh, oh. What about Michael Jordan?
Dennis Rodman: Robot.
Tommy: Yeah, I told you so. See?
Sally: All right, all right.
Dennis Rodman: Well, guys, I gotta be going.
Sally: Proceed boldly and with stealth.
Dennis Rodman: Jam on.

Evil Dick: Tommy! Tommy! Tommy!
Sally: Yes?
Evil Dick: What is the meaning of this? I distinctly asked for reflective duct tape.
Tommy: Oh, about that, see, that was all they had.
Evil Dick: [sighs] Typical. Did you get the custard cups?
Sally: We didn't so much get them as failed to get them, sir.
Evil Dick: Did you try Jenny's Restaurant Supply on fifth street?
Sally: They're not open to the general public.
Evil Dick: Oh. That's right. Can't let just anyone make custard. No, of course not, not on this planet. No, no, that would be too simple. No, we have retail, and we have wholesale. We have pink packets and blue packets, Republicans and Democrats, and the party that crazy midget started. So many choices. How they all love their free will. Everybody has a different point of view. There should be only one point of view... my point of view. Well, I have a message for these humans. The buffet is about to close forever.

Evil Dick: It is becoming all too clear how my predecessor chose to run things. You will find things to be quite different under my command, Tommy.
Harry: Uh, no, I'm Harry.
Evil Dick: No, I've decided that from now on you will be known as Tommy.
Tommy: What about me?
Evil Dick: You will be known as Tommy, too.
Tommy: But wait. Tommy and then the number 2, or Tommy as well?
Evil Dick: You will all be known as Tommy!

Evil Dick: Excuse me. There must be some mistake. This classroom is mine. Find your own.
Caryn: Dr. Solomon, we were all just waiting for our grades.
Evil Dick: Oh, grades. I didn't realize teaching involved evaluation. Very well. [to Pitman] You need your hair straightened. [Bug] You're too short for your face. [Caryn] You have a museum-quality torso. [Leon] You are harmless. You will be spared and used to carry heavy things. You-
Pitman: Dr. Solomon, we meant our letter grades.
Evil Dick: I've decided to give you all Ds.
Bug: We got Ds. [all cheer]

Tommy: When someone asks you what time it is, you do not say "It's time to die."
Evil Dick: And, uh, where do I go for work?
Tommy: The university.
Evil Dick: Ah. So I run the university.
Tommy: Eh, not so much run. You teach a physics class.
Evil Dick: I'm a teacher?! Were all the janitors' jobs taken?! Six months on this planet, and that's all my predecessor achieved. How pitiful.

Evil Dick: Now pay attention. I have an assignment for you. Lieutenant, take this down. I will require the following items: 500 rolls of silver reflective duct tape, 144 ceramic custard cups, one subatomic spectrometer, and one turkey baster. You see, I am building the greatest incubator these puny humans have ever known. And when it is completed, I will spawn my own private army of... of fuzzy Easter chicks. Well, what are you looking at? You have your assignment. Hop to it!
Sally: Can you give us a ride?
Evil Dick: No. The car is mine, and mine alone. You're humans. Use your feet.

Mrs. Dubcek: See, it's the difference between good fabric and cheap fabric. Then again, my third husband liked 'em cheap.
Dick: Yes, yes, that's fascinating.
Mrs. Dubcek: Say, Dr. Solomon, could you come over and give me a hand with my lint trap?
Dick: No, I- I'd love to really, but I'm afraid it's impossible. You see, I have a bad back.
Mrs. Dubcek: I think I know why you're down here. The same reason my second husband used to come down here. Bottle of scotch hidden in the insulation. Of course, I always knew. The pink fuzz in his beer gave him away.

Dick: Mrs. Dubcek.
Mrs. Dubcek: Mm-hmm. Yes?
Dick: I need you to do me a favor. Could you go upstairs and tell Sally that I'm down here? But if you see me standing there - and this is very important - don't say anything to me. Just take Sally aside and whisper it to her. Whatever you do, make sure I don't hear you.
Mrs. Dubcek: Come again?
Dick: Never mind.