Tommy: Statistically, at least one of us should be divorced by now.
Harry: Ooh, I want that one!
Tommy: And 10% of us should be gay.
Harry: That's not why we got divorced.

Dick: All right. Form 1040. First name: Dick. Last name: Solomon. And Mary said this would be complicated.
Sally: Dick, this is so boring. Why are we doing it?
Dick: Because, Sally, this is what humans do. It's like their national pastime. And you don't want us to stand out.
Harry: Hey. You know what would be funny? Where it says sex, write "frequently."
Sally: That's a good one, Harry!
Tommy: That is funny.
Dick: They don't ask for your sex here.
Harry: Well, if there's anyplace you can indicate that you like to have frequent sex, I think it's worth doing.

Sally: Man, you guys remember when we first saw this thing? We laughed so hard. What a primitive form of transportation.
Tommy: It's so loud.
Dick: So uncomfortable.
Harry: And slow.
Tommy: I mean, moving parts? Come on!
Dick: But then the first time we took a drive, wow. The wind in our hair.
Sally: The rain in our hair.
Tommy: The snow in our hair.
Harry: And then we learned about the top.

Dick: This makes no sense. You're getting paid to do nothing. Meanwhile, I'm expected to pay tips to people for doing things that I'm already paying them to do.
Harry: It's only fair, Dick. It's a reward for good service.
Dick: You know about tipping?
Harry: Well, sure. That's how I make most of my money down at the bar.
Dick: But I never tip you.
Harry: And that's why your drink always has that funny taste.

Harry: So, uh, what is this thing you're going to, anyway?
Dick: It's a charity auction.
Tommy: And what's charity, again?
Dick: Well, all I know is they're giving out free drinks and paddles with numbers on them.
Harry: Well, I guess that's what charity's all about, getting liquored up and spanking your neighbor.

Harry: [on film] Yeah. There was a time in my life when I considered being the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. But in a situation like that, you really have to ask yourself, "Have I been offered this job?"

Dick: How do you keep from cracking under such inhumane conditions? Teach me, Harry. Teach me to be more like you.
Harry: Well, it's powerful stuff. Once you accept it, there's no going back. You ready to proceed?
Dick: All right.
Harry: All right. Now let me bring you inside my mind. Now picture yourself on a serene mountaintop, clear blue sky, sun shining, a cool breeze blowing through the wildflowers.
Dick: I see it.
Harry: Now... take away the flowers... breeze... sky... mountaintop. Now what do you see?
Dick: Nothing.
Harry: Exactly. And that's what's in my head... all the time.
Dick: Oh, my god, Harry. It's beautiful.
Harry: Sometimes on a warm night, I put the breeze back in. No, no, no. That's for later.

Harry: Well, this isn't scary. We gotta be subtle.
Sally: Subtle?
Harry: Yeah! Did you ever see Jaws? Okay. The scary part was not the shark. It was the hint of the shark. The fin. Oh! Slicin' through the water.
Sally: Well, what, so you got something planned?
Harry: Yes, I do.
[Harry turns around and reveals a fin attached to his back]
Sally: Harry, that's adorable, but you know, as a warrior, I think I know how to scare.
Harry: Well, as someone who's always scared, I think you're wrong.

Harry: Now we're gonna try it my way.
Sally: Birdseed? That's not scary. Plus, you'll attract every bird in the neighborhood.
Harry: Exactly. We'll feed 'em a lot at first. But then bit by bit, we'll pull back. First we'll get 'em hooked, and then we'll get 'em pissed.
Sally: Yeah, and then slowly we'll start to replace the seed with human flesh. That is not bad. All right. How soon do you think they'll come?
Harry: Well, maybe tonight. Maybe six months. Maybe never. But they'll come. As God is my witness, they'll come.

Harry: All right, let's get busy. I didn't waste all those hours watching TV for nothing. You mind if I move a few of these around?
Pitman: You're gonna change the schedule?
Harry: Oh, no, no. Not change. Save. All right. Hey, you know what I'd like to see? A whole night of Will & Grace. Wouldn't you?
Pitman: Brilliant!
Harry: Hey, better yet, why don't we make one night Will, one night Grace?