Eleanor: Well, this sucks.
Chidi: So, to sum up... There is a heaven and hell. We've been to hell and now, no matter how good we are for the rest of our lives we're going back to hell.
Michael: Again, it's not the classic Christian "hell", but that's the gist, yes. As soon as you learned about the afterlife your motivation to be good was corrupted, so you can't earn points anymore. So sorry for eternally dooming you.
Janet: And that's our bad, guys.

Michael: A complete account of every single thing we've done and learned.
Janet: I added all the data we've gathered here on Earth, in chart and graph form. And I added a pretty tasty little recipe for cinnamon rolls made out of pizza dough. [chuckles]
Michael: Ha. Maybe someone, someday, can learn from our mistakes and enact real change in the process of judging people. But for now, Janet, old friend, we are going to enjoy our time on Earth before we're retired.
Janet: Hm.
Michael: So, let's get started. I know it's touristy but I'd really like to visit a LensCrafters.
Janet: Ooh, and I'd like to get bangs.

Janet: Michael, face facts. Doug is not the blueprint of how to live a good life. He's become a happiness pump.
Michael: What?
Janet: Remember from Chidi's lessons?
Michael: I remember the term happiness pump. That's just mostly because Eleanor and Jason made a bunch of dirty jokes about it.
Janet: It's a criticism of utilitarianism. A happiness pump is someone who is obsessed with maximizing the overall good at his or her expense. Doug will do literally anything to make other people happy even if it makes him miserable.

Jason: Michael, Michael, Michael. [panting] I forgot what you asked me to get.
Michael: That's okay, bud. Thanks anyway. Look, we won't be long and you guys should be safe here. Actually, scratch that. We're all screwed because a bunch more demons just showed up.
Eleanor: There's too many of them. What do we do?
Janet: I have an idea. I think I can take you into my void.
Chidi: Cool. That sounds fun. Let's go into a void.
Michael: Okay, let's go.
Janet: But, just to be clear... I don't know if you'll survive in my void, but either way, all of you will definitely die on Earth when I do this, so look around and say goodbye.
Jason: Goodbye, Earth.
Chidi: Wait, did you just say we're gonna di...

Gwendolyn: Well, jeez Louise, I'm sure glad you're okay. My name's Gwendolyn. Welcome to the Good Place.
Michael: I'm Michael, and this is my Neutral Janet.
Janet: Hello. Also, not hello. It's nothing to meet you. End of statement.

Gwendolyn: I gotta say, it's been really nice having a little company.
Janet: It's nice to be here. And it's not nice to not be there.

Michael: Well, what other option do we have?
Derek: Would anybody like a Medium snack? I myself will be enjoying another classy martini. Don't mind if I do.
Janet: [gasps] I can make the people. Just like I made Derek.
Michael: Are you sure?
Janet: Yes. If the Judge restores my powers in the Medium Place, I can do it. They'll be way more advanced than the original Derek. No offense.
Derek: None taken.
Judge: Okay, the other residents will be comprised of Janet babies. You will have one year of Earth time to try to improve the humans. I will be monitoring everything to ensure there's no cheating and to track the humans' progress. Deal?

Eleanor: Janet is a walking database of all the knowledge in the universe, and since you, John, seem to like asking a relentless number of questions, go ahead. Ask her anything.
John: Okay, um, what's the craziest secret celebrity hook up?
Janet: Drake and Ruth Bader Ginsburg, on and off for years.
John: Okay, wow. Wait, so you really do know everything? Kinda seems like she should be running the neighborhood.
Eleanor: Yes, John, in retrospect, that does seem like a much better idea.

Eleanor: Well, we're off to a fantastic start.
Janet: I wish I could stay and help, but this system is so complex that if I lose concentration for even one billionth of a second, the entire neighborhood could collapse in on itself like a dying star. Also, Brent wants a BLT.

Eleanor: So crazy that we're at the end of this thing and we have no idea how we did. Janet, any chance you could get a look inside that obelisk? Check that magic scoreboard?
Janet: There is a chance, yes. About 1 in 970 trillion. Let's give her a whirl.
[Janet briefly disappears and returns with her hair ruffled and smoking]
Janet: It did not work. I'll be right back.