Michael: Okay. Here goes nothing. Janet, if you would.
Janet: And presto! [beeps]
Michael: Oops. Forgot to log in first. Gotta answer my security question. What was the name of your childhood pet? Korzoth, the ten-headed dog-spider.
Janet: And presto!

Janet: In case you were wondering, I am by definition the best version of myself, because my operating system is always updating.
Eleanor: I'm not sure that's true, Janet. You still haven't talked to Jason about your romantic baggage, and the three of you are in some sort of weird love triangle.
Janet: You don't know what you're talking about. Also, love isn't a triangle. It's a five dimensional blob, so...
Eleanor: Okay. If you're so perfect, step on the scale.
Janet: Fine. [scale toots and pops] Ooh, I think I broke it.
Tahani: No! My beautiful balloon scale!
Eleanor: It's not yours.

Shawn: Goodbye, Michael. We will leave you with one of Bad Janet's classic farts. The smell will linger for 10 million years.
Bad Janet: All right, here comes the boom! Oh wait, actually, before I absolutely let it rip, I just have one more thing I have to do.
Shawn: What?
[Janet grabs Shawn by the neck and throws him against the wall]
Janet: It's me, Good Janet.
Michael: Janet. I thought you were a marble.
Janet: That was a trick. I realized if we wanted our friends to have any chance of survival, I had to learn how to do a lot of bad things really quickly. So, I did. Now I'm ready to go back to being nice again.
Shawn: What happened? [Janet kicks him up against the wall]
Janet: Okay, now I'll be nice again.

Janet: [appears] Hi, Jason. I love you.
Jason: Oh, word?
Janet: Word. I've been avoiding telling you. My excuse was that I needed time to evaluate my complex feelings, but that was just a rationalization. This might be the last time I ever get to talk to you, so there it is... I love you. And I hereby stop avoiding this topic and rationalizing by saying the situation is complicated.
Chidi: Or that my brain is grinding like a fork in a garbage disposal.
Janet: All right. Whatever. You're not really a part of this, Chidi.
Jason: Hey, guess what. I think I love you too, girl.
Janet: I'm not a girl. I'm also not just a Janet anymore. I don't know what I am.

Michael: This is not just about Chidi. I've left too much to chance. Until our group is back together again, this whole thing is hanging by a thread. I'm going back down.
Janet: You're pressing your luck. If you keep disobeying Mommy, something bad is going to happen.
Michael: What?
Janet: Oh, I don't have a mom, so I've been experimenting with thinking of The Judge as my mom. It's weird, forget it.
Michael: Okay.
Janet: How are you even going to get Jason and Tahani to Australia?
Michael: I have no idea, but I have to try.
Janet: Well, good luck, Dad. Nope, also weird. Just go.

Trevor: Ah, this is the best! I'm gonna get the first round and we are all gonna toast to Eleanor The reason we're all here! Yay, Eleanor!
Janet: Oh, well if you guys are celebrating, I recommend the jalapeno poppers. Hi, there, I'm Janet. I'll be taking care of you tonight.

Michael: So, somehow, with none of our powers we have to keep the group intact and monitor their ethical progress. So, how do we do that?
Janet: Not sure. There's no way to track people's actual point totals only the Accountants have that information, but... I did install cameras and microphones, so at least we can keep our eye on them. Let's get peepin'! Oh, no. Not a great start. Eleanor farted and then she blamed it on her chair. That's gonna cost her at least a few points.
Eleanor: [in the class room] There's a bolt missing or something...

Michael: Tahani getting together with Jason even casually, could tear this group apart. We have to nip this in the bud.
Janet: Well, it makes me slightly uneasy to Interfere in the personal life of the man that I am secretly in love with and a woman I admire but if you think we should, I-I'm not gonna argue.
Michael: Time to break out the ol' snowplow again, Janet. Let's find Tahani a loving, supportive companion.
Janet: Great idea.
Michael: Oh, you know, this is not as crucial to the mission but I'd also love to arrange for them to get better computers, help them work faster.
Janet: If I'm going to the mall anyway, I might as well pick Jason up some jean shorts the kind with the frayed edges, where you can see the pockets coming out the bottom? So that he can... study better.
Michael: Sure.

Monty: Who are you? Do you work here?
Janet: Your name is Montgomery Wycoff. Your ex-wife Samantha still loves you but she's afraid to call. You must show her your poetry. Go to her. Go to her!

Michael: No, no, no, no! The whole group is splintering! OK, new emergency plan. I'll deal with Eleanor, I... I... I know it's risky but I don't think she'll recognize me.
Janet: And I'll deal with Sweet Cheeks. I mean, Jason's butt! I mean, Jason.