Philip: Excuse me. Is this what you've been telling my boy?
Will: What?
Philip: That life is one big orgy.
Will: [high-pitched] I never said-
Philip: College is hard work, son. Followed by a family, which is even more hard work. And a teenage daughter who doesn't wanna be seen with you in public. And a wife, a wife who won't let you anywhere near her. And a butler, a butler who may be the father of your child. And a gardener, a gardener-
Carlton: Dad! Dad!

Philip: Vivian. Look, I've come to my senses. The bike is gone.
Vivian: It is?
Philip: Yes, sweetheart. Motorcycles and black leather will never make me feel as young as the love of a good woman. With you by my side, I will never grow old. I love you.
Geoffrey: Oh, sir, the body shop called. They said your motorcycle is completely totaled.
Philip: Thank you, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Oh, and the insurance company said you're covered for the damages to the ice-cream truck but have to pay for that box of Eskimo Pies you ate.
Philip: I said, thank you, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: My pleasure, sir. Will there be anything else? My favorite soap is about to start.
Philip: What would that be, One Life To Ruin?
Geoffrey: [laughs] Sir.

Philip: All right, all right. That's enough. Look, why don't I tell you guys a story?
Will: Now look what you done.
Carlton: I like Dad's stories. And some day, I'm gonna tell my kids these same pointless anecdotes. Go ahead, Dad.
Philip: All right. Well, when I was growing up, my best friend lived in the next apartment. His name was Ralph. And one day, after 18 years of friendship, we had a fight. Well, I went to college and he joined the Navy. Five years ago I went to our high school reunion. I was determined to bury the hatchet. But Ralph didn't show up. I found out that he died the month before. Well, I never had a chance to make peace with him. What's even worse, I can't even remember what we fought about. You kids should think about that.
Will: Hold up a second there, Aesop. What's this apartment stuff? I thought you grew up on a farm.
Philip: Well, in the South, "farm" and "apartment" are interchangeable.
Carlton: Uh Uh, uh, five years ago? Since when do they have reunions for your 22nd year?
Will: Yeah, man. And how all of a sudden...?
Philip: Okay, okay, I made it up. All right? Pfft.

Will: Hey, hey, hey. Come on, man, let me have it. What's the problem?
Philip: Will, do you know what I'd do if I even thought for one second that you were anywhere near my problem?
Will: No, what?
Philip: I'd build a fence to keep you away. One with barbed wire and maybe a sniper up on the roof to pick you off just in case you got over the fence. And given the slightest chance that he'd miss, there'd be two rottweilers guarding my problem.
Will: You don't want my help, do you? I'll go.

Ashley: Daddy, isn't it great about Hilary? When do you think I'll get to move out?
Philip: Oh. Sweetheart, you know expressions like "when hell freezes over"? "When the cows come home"? "When donkeys fly"? Pick one.

Philip: What the hell is going on?
Will: Look, um, Uncle Phil, this is not really your concern. You know, it's about me, it's not about you. So don't even worry about it, all right?
Philip: How can you say that? We are leaving town in a day and you don't have a place to live. Why did you lie?
Will: I mean, we sitting around the table and everybody talking about all these great lives and these new things they're doing. I didn't want you to say: "Hey, there's my nephew. Yeah, he's still living in my pool house." I mean, I didn't want you to think that all these years that I've been out here just ain't worth nothing. You know, that you just been wasting your time with me. Look, Uncle Phil, I just don't want you to think that I'm that same stupid kid I was when I first moved out here.
Philip: How could you possibly believe that that's what I'd be thinking? Look at you. You're moving out on your own. You're gonna finish college in a year. You're becoming a man. A man I'm damn proud of.
Will: I just didn't want your last memory of me to be no better than the first one.
Philip: You have no idea what my first memory of you is. I remember a kid loaded with all the potential in the world. And now I see a person on the verge of realizing that potential. Come on, let's go get you an apartment.
Will: Hey, Uncle Phil, um what you mean by verge?
Philip: Don't push your luck.

Philip: You two have pulled some pranks in your day but this one, this one takes the cake. [chuckles]
Will: He's about to blow, man. Make a break for the front door. I'll cover you.
Philip: So.
Will & Carlton: So.
Philip: Tell me, if you were me, what would you do?
Will: Um... I don't know, forget the whole thing and get us a couple Jet Skis.
Philip: [laughs] I like that. Look, you big-eared freeloader, you take the little, square-headed cousin here and you find Geoffrey and you bring him back or they'll never find your bodies. And, I'm a judge. I can make it happen.
Will: You know, really, I don't mind the yelling. But does he have to spit?

Philip: Sit down.
Lou: I ain't got time for no lecture.
Philip: I said, sit down, Lou. You know, Will was doing just fine till you showed up. But now that you're back, you have responsibilities to him.
Lou: Look, we're still gonna take the trip.
Philip: Oh, bull! Bull. Will is not a coat that you hang in the closet then pick it up when you're ready to wear it. His life goes on. He's not supposed to be here for you. You're supposed to be here for him.
Lou: You get off my back! You think I want this? It just happened. Now, when Will was a baby, I was scared...
Philip: Oh, cut the crap, all right? Cut it. Because I've been there. But I didn't run out on my family. I was there every day for them. Because that's what a man does.
Lou: Fine, Philip. You win. You the man. You a better man than me. You happy? Now you gonna tell Will or not?
Philip: I'm not gonna do your dirty work for you.
Lou: Fine. I'll call him from the road.
Philip: Yeah, why don't you do that?
Lou: Yeah, I'll do that.

Philip: That is enough. I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life. And to think the two people responsible for it are my own family. My own flesh and blood.
Will: Um... Technically, Uncle Phil, I'm not really your flesh and blood. See, my Mom and Aunt Viv, they... I see where you going with this though.
Philip: Do you?
Will: Oh, yeah, I can see. Pssh-pssh!
Philip: Then tell me, what is it? Haven't I done enough for you? Taking you into my home, huh? Treated you with respect. Maybe I did something to hurt you, is that it?
Will: No. Come on, Uncle Phil. No. No, that's not it.
Philip: Then why?
Will: I don't- I don't know.
Philip: And you my own daughter. My first-born. [sighs] I don't know if there's a knife that could cut as deeply.

Hilary: Trust me, if Daddy saw the show this afternoon, everything will be fine. And if he didn't, we'll show it to him. Now, do you know how to work one of these things?
Philip: What are you two doing?
Will: [screams] Hey, man. Did you see anything, I don't know, good on TV today?
Philip: No.
Hilary: So you didn't see the show?
Philip: Oh, I saw the show. And now thanks to you, not only am I an incompetent judge, but an unfit parent. Tell me, what do you have planned for tomorrow, huh? Perhaps snapshots of me in the bathtub, huh? Or a video of me chasing stray dogs in my car.
Hilary: Daddy, you don't do that, do you?