Geoffrey: Good evening, Master William.
[Geoffrey puts a bag of groceries on the burnt counter, which then fall to the ground. He walks over to the refrigerator and places a bag of groceries through the hole in the door. He walks over to Will, picks up a burnt-out stool and sits down on the frame.]
Geoffrey: Of all the rooms to burn in your uncle's house. The kitchen. Are you mad, boy?

Carlton: Good morning, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Playing dress-up again, Master Carlton?
Carlton: For your information, I'm installing the new intercom system.
Geoffrey: You? [laughs]
Carlton: Yuck it up, Brit boy, but remember, he who laughs last... [gets electrocuted]
Geoffrey: Laughs best.

Philip: Okay, ladies, I'm leaving. They don't hear you, sir.
Geoffrey: They've begun their women's weekend. Right now, they're in phase one. Chick flicks and mint Milanos.
Philip: I said, I'm leaving.
[Vivian, Hilary and Ashley go up an kiss Philip without taking their eyes off the TV]
Geoffrey: Well, it's not like you're going off to war, sir.

Ashley: Okay, Geoffrey, fine. A question for you. "If you could use a voodoo doll to hurt anyone you chose, would you?"
Geoffrey: Miss Ashley, if it hasn't worked by now...
Hilary: Aah!
Geoffrey: Perhaps it's kicking in.

Hilary: Daddy, you're gonna be a grandpa. Daddy, say something.
Philip: Geoffrey, get the Scotch.
Geoffrey: It's gone, sir.
Philip: What?
Geoffrey: You've said my attitude has improved lately.
Philip: How could this happen?
Geoffrey: It's the pressure, sir.

Carlton: Geoffrey, what do you think? Honestly.
Geoffrey: I think it's the most ridiculous costume I've ever seen.
[Ashley comes downstairs in her hot dog uniform]
Geoffrey: I stand corrected.
Will: Hey, Ashley. All ready for your first day at work?
Ashley: What was I thinking telling Daddy I'd pay for half my car? I feel like a dork. And I have to wear this same stupid uniform day after day after day.
Geoffrey: Gee, wouldn't that suck?

Carlton: Now, Ashley's out in the decoy vehicle and this will be command central. And this baby right here will monitor all our activities. Your assignment is to be on this 24 hours a day. Now, have you read the manual and committed the frequency to memory?
Geoffrey: Check.
Carlton: Now, what do you do if we get caught?
Geoffrey: Laugh.

Hilary: Geoffrey, what do you know about wine?
Geoffrey: I know no one does it better than you, Miss Hilary.
Hilary: I'm going out with a wine connoisseur tonight and I really want to impress him.
Geoffrey: Wear something low-cut.
Hilary: Well, duh.

[Geoffrey's fantasy: he is laying on the couch being fanned by a young, scantily-clad woman]
Geoffrey: Would you care for something to drink?
Woman: Yes, please.
Philip: You rang, Master Geoffrey?
Geoffrey: What took you so long? Two more, please, Philip. Fluff those cushions.
Philip: Yes.
Geoffrey: Dust the bookshelf. Clean the bathroom upstairs. Shine the mirror. Straighten the pictures. Tidy the plants. Get me a rose.

Hilary: Oh, Geoffrey, who am I kidding? I can't do any of this. I've even heard rumblings that I'm not any fun.
Geoffrey: Nonsense, Miss Hilary. Now, Master Carlton, he's no fun. But you're a splendid young lady with a lot to offer. If you just pick something you like and are good at those girls will have a wonderful time with you.
Hilary: Geoffrey, do you really mean that?
Geoffrey: No. It just seemed the right thing to say.