Kitty: You know... I wish I had a toupee. You know, because, you know, the way my hair is sometimes.
Red: Look, Bob, being bald isn't something that a man has to hide from. A toupee is just silly.
Midge: I keep telling him if he'd grow as much hair on his head as he does on his back, he'd have a full head of hair.

Red: So, who else needs a drink real bad?
Bob: Tough day at the salt mines, Red?
Midge: Oh. When did you get a job at the salt mines?
Kitty: Here, honey. Play with these.

Bob: You know, our anniversary's coming up. Eighteen years. I can still remember the first time I saw Midgie. She was the tallest girl in chemistry class.
Midge: And Bob was the shortest boy. But what he lacked in height, he made up for in shortness.

Donna: Mom, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you're here.
Midge: Well, there are times when a mother has to be there for her baby. Like now and I guess when she's born.

Donna: Mom, why are you doing this?
Midge: Honey, there are lots of things I do to make your father happy that I don't really like.
Donna: Mom! Eugh!
Midge: Oh, no, not that. I love that. I meant like fishing.

Midge: Honey, I think your annoying friend is right.
Donna: What?
Midge: Certain things change.
Donna: Eric and I have been playing games our whole lives. And sometimes he wins, and sometimes I win.
Midge: No, I mean the rules change. Women have to pretend to be weak and fragile so that men can feel superior.
Donna: That's insane. If women don't learn to stand up for themselves, men will always control the world.
Midge: Oh, honey. Men don't control the world.

Bob: Okay, I'll see you later.
Midge: Honey, could you open this jar for me?
Bob: Sure thing, pudding. [chuckles] [opens jar]
Midge: I'm so lucky to have my big, strong grizzly bear around. [Bob growls] [exits]
Donna: First of all: yuck. Second: things don't even work like that anymore. That's what the Equal Rights Amendment is for.
Midge: That's good, dear. You stick to your principles. And 40 years from now, you can tell all your cats how you won a basketball game.

Kitty: You know, I'm sorry, Midge. But I really have to get to work.
Midge: Gosh, darn it, I want a job.
Kitty: You know, Midge, having a job is not all it's cracked up to be. Working at the hospital is very hard work.
Midge: But I don't want one of those jobs. I want a fun job.
Kitty: Okay, now, even with a fun job, you still- You have to deal with your boss.
Midge: You're right. I'll get a job as a boss.
Kitty: Well, now, that is a sharp plan, Midge. You just- You let me know how that goes.

Bob: Midge, you don't know the first thing about having a business.
Midge: But there's no risk, Bob.
Bob: Why not?
Midge: Because it's your money! [Red laughs]

Donna: So, here we are... together... again.
Midge: Yeah. I'm just loving the time we spend together, Donna. In my new book, Our Mothers, Ourselves, it says we're supposed to be friends. We should talk to each other and listen. Your stupid father never listens.
Donna: Is there anything in your book about not insulting my father?
Midge: Oh, I don't know, I only read the first chapter. Okay, no more talking about your father. So, how do you like the clogs I bought you?
Donna: Oh, they're awesome.
Midge: Oh, good, 'cause your father's an ass!