‘Battle of the Sexists’
Season 1, Episode 4 - Aired September 20, 1998
Eric and Donna's friendship is seemingly threatened after she beats him at basketball. Meanwhile, Kitty feels Red is underfoot as he spends all his time at home "fixing" things.
Quote from Red
Red: Is this table wobbling?
Kitty: I don't think so.
Red: No, no, no, no. It's definitely wobbling.
Kitty: Well, honey, anything will wobble if you shake it hard enough.
Red: Give me a hand, Eric. We'll flip this thing over.
Kitty: Honey, honey, we're eating. We're eating.
Eric: Yeah, let's just put a sugar packet under it.
Red: Sugar packet? That's what's wrong with this country, Eric. Nobody wants to roll up their sleeves and work. They're all looking for their sugar packet solution. Well, not me. I'm getting the saw. [exits]
Eric: Mom, has Dad gone crazy?
Kitty: I'm afraid so, dear.
Quote from Fez
Eric: Wait, wait, wait. What about Kelso? I mean, Jackie has him totally whipped.
Fez: Whipped like the family pig.
Kelso: I am not pig-whipped. Where do you even get that stuff?
Hyde: Are you kidding? [as Jackie] Michael, call me at 8:00.
Eric: [as Jackie] Michael, do your Chico impression.
Fez: [as Jackie] Michael, rub oil on my thighs while I spank you.
[The camera pans around to Kelso, Hyde and then Eric, who are all stunned into silence]
Fez: Please, someone else talk now.
Quote from Midge
Midge: Honey, I think your annoying friend is right.
Midge: Certain things change.
Donna: Eric and I have been playing games our whole lives. And sometimes he wins, and sometimes I win.
Midge: No, I mean the rules change. Women have to pretend to be weak and fragile so that men can feel superior.
Donna: That's insane. If women don't learn to stand up for themselves, men will always control the world.
Midge: Oh, honey. Men don't control the world.
Quote from Midge
Bob: Okay, I'll see you later.
Midge: Honey, could you open this jar for me?
Bob: Sure thing, pudding. [chuckles] [opens jar]
Midge: I'm so lucky to have my big, strong grizzly bear around. [Bob growls] [exits]
Donna: First of all: yuck. Second: things don't even work like that anymore. That's what the Equal Rights Amendment is for.
Midge: That's good, dear. You stick to your principles. And 40 years from now, you can tell all your cats how you won a basketball game.
Quote from Fez
Jackie: [on the phone] So Barbra Streisand became this huge star, right? But Kris Kristofferson could not take it anymore so he drinks and crashes his car. Isn't that romantic?
Fez: [hands phone to Kelso] Say, "Yes, it is."
Kelso: [on the phone] Yes, it is.
Jackie: Oh, I just love romantic movies, don't you?
Fez: "Yes, I do."
Kelso: Yes, I do.
Jackie: You know what would be a good romantic scene in a movie? That night we had by the reservoir when we went skinny-dipping. Remember?
Fez: "No, describe it to me."
Kelso: No, describe it to me.
Jackie: Michael, you're so bad. Okay, the water was really cold so when I dove in, you know...
Fez: No, I don't know.
Jackie: [screams] Michael!
Quote from Kitty
Kitty: Hi. Eric, did your father come down here?
Eric: Yeah, he's fixing the dryer.
Kitty: Oh, dear. [giggles] You know, ever since the plant cut back his hours, he spends all his time fixing things. Things that don't need fixing. Things I need. Things I use. Things I love. [laughs] I gotta go hide the crock pot.
Quote from Kelso
Hyde: Sounds like your dad's losing it.
Kelso: Jeez, if he's like this now, he's gonna be a total headcase if they shut down the plant. He's going to be this pathetic guy... [Red walks in] ...with breasts the size of watermelons! Is what Moses said to the Egyptians.
Red: Kelso, go home.
Quote from Jackie
Jackie: I'm waiting.
Eric: Forget it.
Hyde: Just say it and she'll go home.
Eric: Fine. You're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee.
Jackie: Thank you.
Quote from Jackie
Jackie: Now, Michael, call me tonight at 8:00.
Kelso: But that's when Chico And The Man is on.
Jackie: I know. But I like it when you describe it to me. Do your Chico impersonation.
Kelso: I don't think these guys really want to hear my-
Eric: Sure we would.
Hyde: Go ahead, Michael. By all means.
Kelso: All right. [as Chico] Looking good!
Jackie: [screams] I love this!
Quote from Eric
Kelso: Pam Macy. Now she's got some knockers, baby.
Hyde: True, but they're not bigger than Barbara's.
Kelso: Yeah, they are.
Eric: You're dreaming. It's like comparing... [Red walks in] Exodus and Deuteronomy both of which have taught us very valuable lessons. Hi, Dad.
Red: Damn dryer's broken. Ah, nuts. I need my vice grips. [exits]
Kelso: Have you seen Pam in a tube top? It's like you're looking at the Grand Tetons. In a tube top.
Hyde: Look, the issue isn't, are Pam's big, right? The issue is, are they bigger than Barbara's? Because Barbara's are bigger than... [Kitty walks in] the walls of Jericho which, as we all know, came tumbling down, right? Hello, Mrs. Forman.