Laurie: Eric, I am so sorry. But you have to understand. Mom and Dad are in love. They have urges and needs just like us.
Eric: No urges. No needs.
Laurie: I learned in psychology class that what you went through is traumatic. But don't worry. Many people have had this same experience.
Eric: Really? And they turned out all right?
Laurie: Well, some of them turned out to be serial killers. But I'm sure that's just a coincidence. But whatever.
Eric: You know what the sad thing is? I actually think you're trying to be nice.
Laurie: Yeah. It's just not my strong suit. Sorry.
Eric: So, I'll be all right?
Laurie: No.

Eric: All right, where's my money?
Laurie: What money?
Eric: The money you stole from my... Special place.
Laurie: You mean, the pathetic bundle of ones you keep in your little Candy Land game?
Eric: So you admit you knew where it was.
Laurie: Okay, Eric, first of all, you were a mistake. Ask Mom and Dad. And second, if I did steal it, I'd tell you to your face and then I'd steal it more.
Eric: Yeah, that does sound like you.

Eric: Damn! Who took my money?
Laurie: Isn't it obvious who took it? I mean, think about it, no morals, lack of character, bad reputation.
Eric: So you did take it.
Laurie: No, you idiot. Hyde. He's staying down in the basement, he's poor, he steals stuff.
Eric: No. No, Hyde wouldn't do that to me.
Laurie: I'm sure you're right, Eric. He's a real good friend. So, Kelso tells me Hyde tried to steal Donna last year. Is that true?
Eric: No. I mean... Well, he tried, but he didn't succeed.
Laurie: Hmm, that's not much better, is it, Eric?
Eric: Was I really a mistake?
Laurie: They sued the condom company.

Laurie: Oh, you did not get this from a lot. You stole it.
Eric: I haggled.
Laurie: With who? Smokey the Bear? You stole it.
Eric: Well, I mean, you're one to talk. You're flunking out of college.
Laurie: How'd you know?
Eric: I didn't.
Laurie: Shut up!
Eric: Shut up.
Laurie: You shut up!
Eric: You shut up!
Laurie: [backs away] Okay. Okay.

Donna: Hey, Laurie. Is Eric around?
Laurie: No, he's at The Hub. Hey, watch the door.
Donna: What are you doing?
Laurie: My grades. I gotta make some Fs into Bs before Red sees them.
Donna: You're fine. Red and Kitty are watching Bonanza. I gotta go.
Laurie: Hey, smart move going on the pill. That was the best thing I ever did. Just wait 'til you get to college.
Donna: Bye.

Eric: I don't have to go, do I? I've already been to see her three times this year.
Laurie: Oh, yeah. And I'm a virgin.

Eric: Hey, you know what might make our little church ploy work better? If you'd button your shirt. Uh, and, uh, hey, what's that in your hair? Oh, a cigarette butt. That's nice.
Laurie: Ugh. That's the last time I make out on asphalt.

Laurie: [to the baby] This is Aqua Net. The same stuff Farrah uses. And she's got a big TV show, and she's married to Lee Majors. So, Aqua Net, very important.

Eric: Shouldn't you put some clothes on?
Laurie: Why?
Eric: Aren't you a little cold?
Laurie: No, in fact, I'm hot.
Eric: Oh, then why don't you go upstairs?
Laurie: I am waiting for my jeans to come out of the dryer. And I want you to stay off my case. It'll only take me a minute.
Eric: I don't think Kelso's gonna last that long.
Laurie: Too bad. It's not like I'm completely naked under this. I'm wearing underwear. See? [guys groan] If we were at the beach, you wouldn't even notice me.
Hyde: If we were at the beach, Kelso would be in the water right now.

Eric: So, Dad, instead of being at your party this year, I was thinking of throwing a party in the basement. I mean, I think I'm old enough. [Kitty laughs]
Red: Fine.
Kitty: Fine?
Red: Well, every year he just mopes around here like it's the end of the world, anyway.
Eric: All right! Thanks, Dad.
Kitty: So now who's going to sing the high parts on The Little Drummer Boy?
Laurie: Well, traditionally it's the man who can't grow facial hair.