212. Eric's Stash
Aired January 11, 2000
Eric can't buy the gift he wanted to get Donna on their anniversary after he discovers his secret stash of money is missing. Meanwhile, Jackie enters a beauty pageant.
Quote from Fez
Eric: So, if you'll all please avert your eyes, I have to, uh, get my secret stash of cash.
Hyde: What, you mean your Candy Land stash?
Eric: My Can... I don't keep my money in the... Candy Land box.
Fez: You moved your money from the Candy Land box?
Eric: Oh, shut up and turn around! Oh, my God, you guys. Someone stole all my money.
Fez: From Candy Land? How could such a sad thing happen in such a happy place?
Quote from Jackie
Jackie: Oh, my God. You guys. Guess who's gonna be in the Miss Dairy Princess Pageant?
Fez: Oh, I know. A cow?
Jackie: No. Me!
Donna: A beauty pageant?
Jackie: Yeah! I mean, look, Donna, it's not enough that we know I'm prettier than everyone else. I want the world to know!
Donna: And what better way to do it than go on stage and parade around like a piece of meat?
Jackie: I know! I know!
Quote from Kelso
Hyde: Man, a beauty coach? What's goin' on with you?
Kelso: When Jackie wins this pageant, I am gonna be the guy with the hottest chick of all of the hot chicks.
Hyde: Yeah, Kelso, that's genius.
Kelso: Yeah, just picture it.
Bob Eubanks: And this year's Miss Dairy Princess is... Kelso's girlfriend!
Kelso: Yes! [giggles] Oh, thank you! Thank you. Thank you, Bob Eubanks.
Bob Eubanks: Mr. Kelso, now that you've been crowned, what's going to be your first order of business?
Kelso: Well, as Mr. Dairy Princess, I would like to give milk products to all of those in need. And then someday, I would like to rule an entire hot chick dairy kingdom! Settle down, girls. There's plenty of me to go around here.
Quote from Laurie
Eric: All right, where's my money?
Laurie: What money?
Eric: The money you stole from my... Special place.
Laurie: You mean, the pathetic bundle of ones you keep in your little Candy Land game?
Eric: So you admit you knew where it was.
Laurie: Okay, Eric, first of all, you were a mistake. Ask Mom and Dad. And second, if I did steal it, I'd tell you to your face and then I'd steal it more.
Eric: Yeah, that does sound like you.
Quote from Laurie
Eric: Damn! Who took my money?
Laurie: Isn't it obvious who took it? I mean, think about it, no morals, lack of character, bad reputation.
Eric: So you did take it.
Laurie: No, you idiot. Hyde. He's staying down in the basement, he's poor, he steals stuff.
Eric: No. No, Hyde wouldn't do that to me.
Laurie: I'm sure you're right, Eric. He's a real good friend. So, Kelso tells me Hyde tried to steal Donna last year. Is that true?
Eric: No. I mean... Well, he tried, but he didn't succeed.
Laurie: Hmm, that's not much better, is it, Eric?
Eric: Was I really a mistake?
Laurie: They sued the condom company.
Quote from Red
Red: Well, boys, there she is, our brand-new water heater. Ain't she a beauty?
Eric: Yep. This is the best water heater ever. God bless us every one.
Red: You know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?
Eric: 'Cause he had a smart mouth?
Red: That's right.
Quote from Hyde
Man: [on TV] The winner, and still champion, Muhammad Ali.
Hyde: All right, Fez, you lose. Give me five bucks.
Donna: [enters]Hey. What's goin' on?
Fez: I just lost five bucks on the Muhammad Ali fight.
Donna: Fez, that's a rerun. That fight happened a week ago.
[Donna takes the money from Hyde and returns it to Fez]
Quote from Donna
Donna: So, Jackie, does the winner get a scholarship or something?
Kelso: Who cares? College is for ugly girls who can't get modeling contracts.
Donna: No, college is for women who don't want to marry the first idiot they meet and squeeze out his bastard moron children.
Quote from Kitty
Eric: Hey, Mom. When you were cleaning up downstairs, you didn't happen to come across 60 bucks, did you?
Kitty: Oh, Eric, did you lose your Candy Land cash?
Eric: Does everyone know where I keep my money?
Kitty: Oh, I'm sorry, honey. It was a good hiding place. Oh! Maybe you put it in Chutes and Ladders.
Eric: No. I checked. I mean, I don't know who could have taken it. At first I thought it was Laurie, but...
Kitty: Oh, honey, no. Laurie wouldn't steal from you. She steals from me.
Quote from Eric
Eric: Look, Hyde, I just got back from hanging out with Donna and you know what? Hyde, I don't even care what happened to my money. 'Cause money doesn't make the world go around. You know what does?
Hyde: Screw you. You called me a thief.
Eric: It's love. That's right. Love makes the world go around.