Donna: [to Eric] Well, you're getting a party. And best of all, it's a surprise.
Kelso: I just realized, Donna's older than you.
Donna: Only by a month.
Fez: Good for you, Eric.
Eric: Good for me, what?
Fez: In my country, it is good luck to fall in love with an older woman.
Eric: Fez. Fez.
Fez: No, they come with livestock.

Red: Laurie, you're not driving the Vista Cruiser. It's old and undependable. It could break down and you'd be at the mercy of any maniac who came along. It's okay for Eric, but you're taking the Toyota. Oh, and, um, here's $20.
Laurie: Will that cover gas?
Kitty: Oh, well, it should. Honey, give her another $10, just in case.
Eric: You know, I could probably use some gas money.
Red: [chuckles] Yeah, and if a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass when he hops.

Eric: Look, I know money is tight, so I don't want a big birthday.
Red: I'll decide when money is tight. Now, what kind of gift do you want? Don't worry about the cost. As long as it's reasonable.
Eric: Okay. I would like a cassette player for the car. A cassette. Not an eight-track. No eight-track, okay?
Kitty: You know, I don't know why they don't just put record players in cars. [giggles]
Eric: The point is, I don't want an eight-track tape player.
Red: Then you won't get one.
Kitty: Oh, but, honey, he wants one.
Eric: No, I want a tape player, just not an eight-track.

Red: So, how's your friend... Janice?
Laurie: Pregnant.
Kitty: Oh, she was such a nice girl. How does that happen?
Eric: Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus where it attaches to the wall.
Red: Eric, for God's sakes, that's no language for a woman to hear.
Laurie: It's okay, Red. I know what a fallopian tube is. I think Mom does, too.
Kitty: Well, I just don't like my little boy bandying those words about. You're still my baby.
Eric: Thanks, Mom.

Eric: Coming. I'm coming. [opens door] Donna? Donna, it's 3:00 a.m. Are you crazy?
Donna: Crazy? Crazy in love with you. What is it about you that drives me wild with passion and desire?
Eric: Well, I am... 17 now.
Donna: Shut up, and sit down. I have to give you your birthday present. It can't wait any longer. Close your eyes.
Eric: This is my birthday present?
Donna: No, that's my nightgown. I'm your present. Open your eyes, birthday boy.
[reality, Eric wakes up in bed with Kitty standing over him holding a plate of eggs:]
Kitty: Surprise! Birthday breakfast. And this is it, young man. A few gifts tonight, the end. [chuckles] And it is too late to change your mind about a party now. So don't think you're getting one or you will be sorely disappointed. [winks at Laurie]
Red: Happy birthday. You know, the lawn's not gonna cut itself.
Eric: Thanks, Mom, Dad.
Laurie: Hey, little brother. Nice tent.

Red: Kitty, what could happen?
Kitty: What could happen? Well, plenty could happen. Oh, plenty.
[fantasy: Eric's friends are dressed as hookers and pimps:]
Kitty: [as Donna] Now that the adults are gone, we can be as bad as we want.
Kitty: [as Jackie] Who wants to give Eric a venereal disease?
Kitty: [as Kelso] Hey, look. Coasters.
Kitty: [as Hyde] Forget coasters!
Kitty: [as Eric] Please, fellas my mom put out coasters for a reason.
Kitty: [as Hyde] I think I'm gonna put my drink directly on the furniture. That way, it will leave a ring.
Kitty: [as Eric] No! Why didn't I beg my mother to stay?
Kitty: [as Fez] Quiet, you silly American. I am making a long distance call on your parents' phone.
Kitty: [as Eric] But that's immoral.
Kitty: [as Fez] Ha! In my country of... Wherever it is I am from, I can never tell... Morals get in the way of a good dirty time. But first, I need to eat some chips. What? Out of chips? Now I am mad. I must shoot something.
Kitty: [as Eric] Not the littlest hobo! [screams] Why?

Hyde: Does it bother anybody else that these women live in Hooterville?
Eric: Technically, Petticoat Junction is down the track from Hooterville.
Hyde: Okay, does it bother anybody else that they live down the track from Hooterville?
Donna: It bothers me that they bathe in the town water tank.
Kelso: With the dog.
Jackie: It isn't the drinking water. It is the water for the train.
Donna: It's still three naked women with a dog.
Fez: I want to be the Hooterville dog.

Kitty: Yoo-hoo! Coming down. Now don't mind me. I'm just putting some clothes in. Eric, honey I thought you could wear this on your birthday. It's nice. You look so handsome in it.
Eric: Why would I want to dress nice on my birthday?
Kelso: It's your birthday?
Kitty: Oh, you never know what's going to happen on your birthday.
Eric: Mom? Mom, do not throw a party for me.
Kitty: Oh, well, listen to Mr. Popularity. Like I have time to plan you a party. [laughs] Oh, um... by the way, your sister Laurie's coming home from college for the weekend. No special reason. She just is.

Eric: Did I just see about seven bags of potato chips in there?
Kitty: They were on sale.
Eric: Please, don't throw me a party.
Kitty: I'm not throwing a party.
Red: Don't give him one.
Kitty: I'm not.
Red: He's too old for a surprise party.
Kitty: I'm agreeing with you.
Red: Then stop yelling.
Kitty: I'm not yelling.

Red: You'll get a Delco. A genuine GM part for your genuine GM car.
Eric: It doesn't have to be a Delco. It's just for music.
Red: Oh, now, see, now there's your first mistake. Parts have to be compatible, Eric. You're not burning cheap gas in that car, are you?
Eric: No, sir.