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‘Kelso's Serenade’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

That '70s Show: Kelso's Serenade

221. Kelso's Serenade

Aired March 27, 2000

As Kelso tries to win Jackie back with a song, she is spending time with Hyde. Donna is offended when Eric blows her off to hang out with his friends. Meanwhile, Kitty wants her family to visit their elderly relative, Aunt Pearl (Connie Sawyer), in the nursing home.

Quote from Donna

Donna: Hey.
Eric: Hey, baby. What say you grab Papa a root beer, huh?
Fez: Oh, my God. I cannot look.
Donna: Listen, you worm, I am not your slave or a waitress or your damn maid! And don't get all Archie Bunker-y on me, or I will kick your ass to the moon!

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Quote from Fez

Fez: Yes, please, Kelso, stop. I cannot take this anymore. This is how you serenade a woman. [sings] Besame Besame mucho Como si fuera esta noche La ultima vez
Jackie: What are you doing?
Kelso: Yeah. What are you doing?
Fez: Um, this is my school song from back home. I don't love you.

Quote from Red

Red: Here's the thing. You're assuming that you're good enough for Donna. And you're not. [Fez shakes his head]
Eric: Yes, I am.
Red: No, you're not. Just like I'm not good enough for your mother.
Eric: Okay, well... Yeah, that's true.
Red: Hey, watch it. I'm trying to help you out here.
Eric: I'm sorry. Yes, sir.
Red: Look, do you really think I wanted to spend the whole damn day sitting in a room with a woman who hates the Bucks and smells like cabbage? Well, I didn't. But that's the price you pay, son. Now, you go call Donna before she realizes how much better off she is without you. Go on now. Go!

Quote from Laurie

Eric: I don't have to go, do I? I've already been to see her three times this year.
Laurie: Oh, yeah. And I'm a virgin.

Quote from Jackie

Donna: And then Eric says, "You can come... If you want."
Jackie: "If you want?" Ouch.
Donna: Right? I don't know, I think he's sort of taking me for granted. Ah, I don't know. Maybe I'm just overreacting.
Jackie: No, Donna. You're underreacting. All men take all women for granted... all the time.
Donna: Jackie.
Jackie: Save yourself the heartache, Donna. Break up with Eric now before it's too late. [gasps] Then we can be single girls together. Ooh! We could take a cruise!

Quote from Kelso

Kelso: [plays guitar and sings] I didn't mean to cheat But she forced me She Downright Coerced Me [talks] Hey, that's kinda good.
Eric: Man, I just asked her for a root beer.
Fez: You tried to control her, Eric. And the woman always controls the man.
Kelso: That's true.
Eric: Donna does not control me!
Fez: Oh, Eric, you have so much to learn, my friend.
Kelso: Yeah. I wish Jackie was still controlling me. I love being on a short leash. [plays guitar and sings] Put the short leash Back on me
Eric: Kelso, let me see that for a second. [smashes guitar]
Kelso: Yeah. You know, that's kinda funny. That was your guitar. Burn! [laughs]

Quote from Eric

Eric: Donna, have you noticed that every time we do the... [clears throat] what we just did... it is always fun?
Donna: Eric, you're so cute.
Eric: Ow! Ow! Donna, I think by "cute," you mean... ruggedly handsome.
Donna: You read my mind, Eric.
Eric: Oh, yeah. That's the other thing. After we do... the thing, I don't really feel like an "Eric."
Donna: Really?
Eric: Uh, yeah. I think I feel more like a Stan. Or... a Chuck. Or a... a Maverick.

Quote from Kitty

Red: Swedish pancakes? What's the catch?
Kitty: Oh, no catch. Eat 'em while they're hot. There's plenty.
Hyde: Well, this is a real treat, Mrs. Forman.
Red: Psst. Careful, Steven. There's always a string attached to Swedish pancakes. Trust me.
Eric: Mom, you only make Swedish pancakes when something horrible's about to happen.
Laurie: Does someone have cancer?
Kitty: No, no, no. No one has horrible cancer. [laughs] Now, let's just sit down as a family and enjoy our special pancakes. [Red eats] Gotcha! [laughs] We're all going to the nursing home to visit Aunt Pearl.

Quote from Kelso

[circle:]
Kelso: God, I miss Jackie. I can't sleep. I can't think. I can still eat, but... I mean, my life has no meaning. I'm dead inside.
Fez: Oh, so that's what smells.
Hyde: Yeah, Mr. Broken heart. When was the last time you took a bath, man? Whew, you're getting gamy.
Eric: [eating popsicle] Man, I am so glad Donna's not Jackie. But I'll tell you what. I'm even more glad I'm not you. [laughs] No offense.
Kelso: I gotta win Jackie back. I got it! I'll write her a song!
Fez: Maybe the best way to get Jackie back is to let her date other people, foreign exchange people.
Hyde: No, man. I think a song is a really great idea. How about this one? [sings] You don't love me anymore You caught me cheatin' With a whore [talks] See? 'Cause Laurie's the whore. You get it?
Eric: [laughs] Yeah. My sister is such a whore.
Kelso: [sniffles] Yeah, I'm gonna write Jackie a song. I gotta win her back because I can't stop the tears, man!
[Fez and Hyde are silent as the camera pans around to them]
Eric: Kelso? We've been over this. There's no crying in the circle.

Quote from Red

Donna: Oh, my God, Jackie. What am I gonna do?
Jackie: I don't know, Donna. I just don't know. [Red opens the front door] Oh, hi, Mr. Forman.
Red: Go talk on your own damn porch.

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