Laurie: Eric, I am so sorry. But you have to understand. Mom and Dad are in love. They have urges and needs just like us.
Eric: No urges. No needs.
Laurie: I learned in psychology class that what you went through is traumatic. But don't worry. Many people have had this same experience.
Eric: Really? And they turned out all right?
Laurie: Well, some of them turned out to be serial killers. But I'm sure that's just a coincidence. But whatever.
Eric: You know what the sad thing is? I actually think you're trying to be nice.
Laurie: Yeah. It's just not my strong suit. Sorry.
Eric: So, I'll be all right?
Laurie: No.

Kitty: Oh, honey. Were your father and I having intercourse?
Eric: Mom.
Kitty: Well, no wonder you've been acting so weird. Red, say something. Make him feel better.
Red: Um... It's more fun than it looks.
Kitty: Red.
Red: What? What do you want me to say?
Eric: Look, you know what? Um... You guys do it. And I'm okay with that. So thanks.
Red: Sure thing. I just hope you learned your lesson.
Eric: Oh, yes, sir. I did. Wait a second. What lesson?
Red: Always knock.
Eric: Oh.
Kitty: Oh, oh. Even in the middle of the afternoon.
Eric: Oh, my God.

Kitty: Eric. Your father and I have noticed that you've been acting very strange lately.
Red: Like a hippie.
Kitty: Is there something you want to tell us?
Red: Are you on dope? Are you?
Kitty: Because- Because we can help you get clean. There's counseling, hospitalization-
Red: My foot kicking your ass.

Fez: Boy, these after school specials are thrilling. I mean, who knew it takes only one beer to turn a cheerleader into a whore?
Jackie: You know, Fez, this show contains an important message. That very thing happened to a good friend of mine.
Fez: Really? Uh, may I ask who?

Donna: All right, look. I'm gonna tell you something I've never told anybody else all right? When I was 12, I saw my parents doing it.
Eric: How did you get over it?
Donna: Well, at first I was, like, completely freaked out. But then, eventually, the pain receded and I was able to live again.
Eric: I don't see this receding. I mean, I walked in on Red and Kitty and they were... They were right in the middle.
Donna: Oh, God, that's nothing. I caught my parents outside, in broad daylight, on my hammock. Where I used to read, like, my Nancy Drew mysteries.
Eric: Oh, man. That is so much worse than mine.
Donna: Oh, God. I can remember, like, little bits of naked skin peeking through the holes of the hammock.
Eric: Wow. It's weird, but knowing what you went through just makes me feel so much better. Because you're, like, totally over it, right?
Donna: And later... they came inside and they had, like, this checkerboard pattern all over their arms and legs.
And my dad laughed and said they fell asleep on the hammock. But I knew it was a lie. I knew what he did to my mom.
Eric: Your mom. Okay, I'm ready to fool around.
Donna: Please take me home.

Eric: Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower.
Fez: This is the proudest moment of my life.
Hyde: It doesn't look like a pot leaf.
Kelso: What?
Hyde: It looks like a hand giving the finger.
Kelso: It doesn't have to look perfect, Hyde. It's art.
Hyde: Get up and make it better.
Kelso: Fine.
Hyde: Just, yeah, make it wider right up there. Yeah, out further, though. Yeah. Right up there- [Kelso falls off the water tower]
Jackie: Oh, my God! Michael!
Hyde: Hey, Kelso!
Kelso: [o.s.] Yeah?
Hyde: How's it look from down there?
Kelso: It looks like it's giving me the finger.

Kitty: Well, okay, now so far Eric is nine out of ten. He's got bloodshot eyes, mood swings irregular appetite, odd sleeping patterns. Red, our Johnny is high.
Red: Kitty, that's nonsense. He's not on drugs, he's... just weird.
[As Eric enters, he stumbles and drops his book]
Kitty: Morning. [Eric looks down] Hungry?
Eric: Uh... I overslept. I'm late for school. It's, um... Bye.
Red: That kid's on dope.
Kitty: I'll say. It's Sunday.

Eric: Mom, Dad, I'm not on drugs.
Kitty: Oh, what a relief. You have no idea-
Red: Kitty. Kitty, he's lying. That's what the hopheads do.
Eric: Dad, I swear, I'm not on drugs.
Red: Well, then, what the hell's wrong with you?
Eric: Well, I accidentally- I was upstairs and I- Okay, you know what, I'm on drugs.
Laurie: Oh, for God's sake, he saw you guys doing it! There. I helped.

Jackie: Oh, my God. From up here, Point Place looks just like Paris.
Donna: You think that looks like Paris? God, no wonder you think Kelso could be a model.
Kelso: Whoa, I could so be a model.

Kelso: [on the phone] No. Dad. No, there is no way this could've been avoided. Yes. No. Yeah, the cow kicked me after I tipped it over. I'm not lying! Okay, all right, I love you, too. [hangs up] He bought it.